At its worst, usually during the early adolescent years (around ages 9 - 13), the experience of being target of unrelenting daily social cruelty (like teasing, exclusion, bullying, rumoring, or ganging up) can do a student a lot of harm. A passing conversation the other day brought this harsh reality to mind.
"So what's your latest book about?" the familiar woman at the counter asked.
"Social cruelty in school," I answered. "When young people, particularly in middle school, decide to treat each other mean. You know, to establish social place, assert social dominance, or defend against attack. It's a more aggressive age."
"I know all about that," she said. "Or at least my daughter does. It started in middle school all right, but no one I talked to, teachers or principal, would do anything about it. So, because we live in a small community, all that meanness just followed her to high school. Finally, come the end of sophomore year, she decided she had enough and dropped out. She got a job and then her G.E.D. (general equivalency diploma.) Now at eighteen she's recovered enough confidence to want some college education. But it's a pretty steep climb from here because she paid a pretty heavy price."
Social cruelty to their son or daughter of any significant duration (not limited to isolated incidents) should be a matter of serious concern to parents because the young person's attitude toward self, others, and school can be adversely affected.
So what can parents do when their child reports receiving some of this mistreatment at school? First, consider what not to do. Don't disbelieve it because "that kind of thing really doesn't go on," don't discount it as over sensitivity to or exaggeration of normal "kids will be kids" behavior, and don't assume that the child somehow brought it on him or herself.
Further, don't take this mistreatment of your child personally as though it was directed at you, feeling victimized on your child's behalf. Do that and you shift the focus of hurt from your child to yourself. And don't rush into school "to fix" the situation. Intervention should be the last resort after helping the child determine if he or she can mobilize sufficient personal resources to quell the situation them self.
What can parents do? Here are five steps to consider.
LISTEN. It is not easy for a young adolescent to tell parents about being meanly treated by peers. In the process, she sacrifices some pride in social independence, admits to some degree of unpopularity, violates normal privacy about her world of peers by going "public" about it, and worries that the mistreatment reflects badly on her. By listening parents provide understanding and acceptance. Now the young person is not alone.
EMPATHIZE. To be on the receiving end of social cruelty can cause a host of unhappy feelings. There can be hurt feelings from being attacked. There can be anger at mean treatment. There can be helplessness from not knowing what to do. There can be fear for safety. There can be embarrassment from having mistreatment on public view. There can be self-loathing from believing the cruelty is somehow deserved. There can be shame from feeling something is "wrong" with them self. By empathizing parents express concern and let the young person know they care about how he or she is suffering. Now the young person feels emotionally supported.
SPECIFY. Sense of injury caused by social cruelty can cause the young person to emotionally exaggerate the painful situation and lose sight of what is objectively going on. "It's all the time!" "It was everyone!" "They all hate me!" "I have no friends!" By specifying what is happening, parents can help restore a realistic perspective. They can help sort out what is actually happening, who specifically was involved, when precisely it occurred, where the incident took place, and exactly how often this mistreatment has been going on. By specifying, parents anchor the incident or incidents to reality and so prevent emotional overreaction from distorting perspective for the worse. Now the young person has an accurate picture of the problem to deal with. A specific few people were acting mean in an identifiable way.
STRATEGIZE. Better for a young person feeling like he or she is the target of social cruelty than a victim. To feel target can cause the boy or girl to consider how to cease being picked on or put upon by actively discouraging the social "shots" from being taken. To feel victim can create a sense of helplessness because as victim he or she lacks power of choice to challenge or change the mistreatment being given.
Since targets have more power of choice to respond to social cruelty than victims, parents need to help the young person stay in target mode. Then they need to coach their son or daughter in new and different ways to deal with tormentors that might discourage the mistreatment from going on. Now the young person goes to school each day empowered with fresh choices for dealing with the problem, should it arise again.
ASSESS. Parents need to assess complicity and power. Is the young person doing anything that is inviting or provoking mistreatment that he or she could helpfully stop? As for power, not all acts of social cruelty can be discouraged through the efforts of the target child. Sometimes the young person's social safety is sufficiently compromised, psychological well being is sufficiently injured, or the young person simply lacks the resources to stop mistreatment, and parents must consult with the adolescent about intervening on her behalf at school. They may need to meet with the administration, counselors, or teachers to stop what is going on. Now the young person has adult advocates on her side.
Social cruelty, particularly during the middle school years, will never go away. However, if parents will get adequately informed about this harsh reality of early adolescence, and if they will stay sufficiently involved in the life of their more socially independent son or daughter, they can say something like this.
"We know there can be a lot more social competition, push and shove, and real meanness in middle school, and we hope you will tell us if any of it comes your way. At least we can give you a sympathetic listen, maybe offer some strategies for dealing with it, and even, if it ever gets really bad, with your permission step in to help stop the harm."
As for teachers, they can insist on safe rules of conduct in their classroom. For example, here are six rules that one middle school teacher established at the beginning of each new semester.
1) To prevent exclusion: "If you see someone always sitting alone, invite them to join you or sit by them."
2) To prevent teasing. "Only call people by the name they want to be called."
3) To prevent rumoring: "Don't spread gossip about anyone you know would hurt them face to face,"
4) To prevent bullying: "Don't force your way with anyone by playing on their disadvantage, helplessness, or fear."
5) To prevent ganging up: "Don't band together to do anyone any kind of harm."
6) In general: "Follow the Golden Rule -- treat everyone as you would like them to treat you."
Students really liked being in this teacher's class.
For more information, see my book on social cruelty, "Why Good Kids Act Cruel," at www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: Adolescence and mistake-based education.
