The more strongly a boy or girl is attached to the comforts of childhood, the prerogatives of being taken care of as a child, and the pleasurable company of parents, the harder the separation into adolescence becomes. This is often the case with the only child.

The relationship with parents is so closely bonded, so nurturing, and so pleasurable it is no wonder many only children and parents hold on to this mutually satisfying childhood attachment as long as they can.

Because the only child has so much to lose by having it so good in childhood, at home, and with parents (who also have it so good), it is hard to make the break into adolescence. Thus some only children I have seen don't start the separation from childhood until middle school or even early high school.

In these cases, adolescence is delayed. Then, at this later age, the telltale signs of early adolescence are expressed. Although these behaviors may have occurred earlier, now they happen with more frequency and intensity.

There is a more negative attitude of dissatisfaction, complaint, and criticism.

There is more active resistance in the form of constant argument and more passive resistance in the form of endless delay.

And there is testing the limits of rules and requirements to see what can be gotten away with.

Now the three development engines that drive the growth of adolescent independence start to do their redefining work.

There is the engine of separation that creates more distance from parents. The goal of separation is to create room to develop one's own social "family" of friends and confidantes apart from home.

There is the engine of differentiation that creates more incompatibility with parents as new interests,images, and friends are tried on and off. The goal of differentiation is to discover and develop one's own individual identity.

There is the engine of opposition that creates more conflict with parents. The goal of opposition is to take more charge of one's own life by fighting to live on one's own terms.

For the only child and parents, the entry into adolescence takes a lot of adjustment. Gone in some measure is the old closeness, compatibility, harmony that often made childhood such a golden time for everyone. Parents will never have their son or daughter as little child again, and only child will never have them as the ideal companions they once were. Everyone in the family suffers the loss.

For the only child, the beginning of adolescence can be scary.

Will he or she pull so far away that the attachment to parents will be broken?

Will he or she become so different that acceptance from parents will be denied?

Will he or she push so hard against their authority that their affection will be alienated?

Now the challenge for parents is to stay connected to their son or daughter while adolescence is growing them apart. They must not take adolescence personally as if it is something their teenager is deliberately doing to offend or injure them. Adolescence is a hard process of growth the only child is daring to do for him or herself.

With this understanding, parents must then give the following assurance to their one and only. "No matter how far you pull away from us, no matter how different from us you become, no matter how hard you push against us, you need to know this. Come what may, we will hold you in our loving hearts as we always have and we always will."

For more information about my book on parenting the only child, "The Future of Your Only Child," see: www.carlpickhardt.com

Next week's entry: Adolescence and the matter with money.