Stuck in the Middle With You

What a lovely and touching story. I wouldn't want to say having a transgender parent makes sons into better men, though it certainly doesn't rule it out. Having loving parents who spend their time and energy on their children, instilling values of tolerance and diversity makes sons into better men, and daughters into better women (and maybe sons into better women and daughters into better men, if that's the way they are). Being transgender isn't necessary to be that kind of a parent, nor is it a guarantee that one will be that kind of a parent.

I agree with Rachael; gender,whether it be trans or biological does not make a better parent in itself. The time spent with them and the values you pass on to them makes them "better" men and woman. Of course the opportunity to experience the intolerance and persecution of someone they love and who loves them makes them far more open to tolerance of the diversities in others. Your sons are blessed to have a biological mother who has accepted your transition and shown love and tolerance by her example. It is very difficult for children whose biological mother/father shows, by example, hatred and intolerance of a transitioned parent. These are the children that are truly "stuck in the middle" and the influence of both hate and love will shape them. We can only hope that love will win out and instill values of tolerance and love in them.

I don't think you will find many people who would argue that one could be a mother without going through the pains of labor and childbirth. Our culture applauds those who become mothers through other means (adoption, foster parenting etc.)

That said, however, I would be highly interested in how your maternal instincts compare to someone who was born female. The reason is not out of some delusional thinking that a transsexual is somewhat inferior in that capacity, but has a lot to do with the way you may have been raised. While growing up, girls are encouraged to be nurturing and caring, they practice mothering in their play. Was there a learning curve? When stressful issues arose, did you revert back to "father" mode? Did your parenting style change at all when you transitioned or did that stay the same? Did the way you interact with your kids change?

There are so many questions, but they are all fascinating and that's not even going into your children's take on everything. Did they grieve the loss of a father? Was it difficult for them to view you as their mom? When did the change solidify in their minds? Was their a certain event or instance where you being female clicked for them or was it a slow acceptance? I can't wait to read more.

It is comforting to hear of a trans family that was able to recast itself and continue to have a relationship. I am hoping for a similar outcome in my current situation.

I would like to follow this blog. Good luck.

Although I'm not a parent, I've been around other trans parents (locally), and read the writings of others online. Your experience seems to be common among those who have been able to transition while their children are still young: the children have no trouble grasping and accepting the new parenting role. In contrast, parents who transition after their children have become adults, or nearly adults, seem to continue to be regarded in their original parenting roles. But NOT in their original gender roles. The daughter of one particular friend, quite naturally, finds it easy to say "she's my dad" (her "dad" is fully out as a trans woman). Another local friend didn't get to enjoy this during her brief life as a woman, and it wasn't until her funeral that her sons could begin to think of her -as- a woman, and use female pronouns when referring to her; but as with the other woman I mentioned, they still think of her as dad.

In a show I saw on PBS, this seemed to be true of Dr. Marcie Bowers' (she was on the show and I *think* the following was about her experience, but if not, oops) experience as well. But IIRC, her children were on the cusp of adulthood when she began her transition, and while they were (during the filming) still thinking of her as their dad, I wonder if this has remained so, or if they, like yours, have adapted to thinking of her as their mom.

In closing, I want to say I'm happy for you and your family!

As a transgender parent myself, I can say my experience was different. This is not to say my experience was better or worse, just different. I announced to my children (girl age 11 and boy age 13 in 2006. I let the kids choose how they would refer to me and they chose to stay with Dad. I am no longer with their Mom and I didn't feel right trying to take the role of Mom away from someone who already had that role. I did develop a maternal instinct during the time I started hormones. I don't really think it matters what one calls their role, as long as they do what is right for their children. I am still tougher and more consistant than their mother. I feel my kids are better off then if I had never come out.They are more accepting of all people and are truly their own person now. I a proud of them and we all love each other dearly.

As always, Jenny does a wonderful job describing our life difficulties. Thanks, Jenny, for keeping us in the media.

Great article. Having raised three children, mostly on my own, I can say the mothering capabilities within myself seem very natural. I believe our current societal norms have placed a gender on something that should be gender neutral. I cannot imagine raising my children any differently than I did and I'm most thankful I have good mothering instincts. I hope I have passed some of these capabilities to my son.

Ty Jennifer for a very nice piece. Very happy to see things like this out there. You are truly a wonderful supporter!

Great piece by a great writer who always gives people the opportunity to reconsider their own assumptions and connect in a kinder and more honest way to the amazing diversity of people that we are.

I am a custodial grandparent from the same area as Jenny Boylan. My ex-wife and I have custody of two granddaughters for 10 years, since they were two and three. We have custody and thus able to prevent further damage because I took the initiative. I'm the one who gave up working outside the home so we didn't have to pay for childcare. I'm the one who made all the school meetings, therapist appointments and recitals/concerts/science fairs. I'm not sorry I did it because now I realize after transitioning I've had a chance to be who I am - a mother, a grandmother. How that is defined is determined by me alone, deep in my soul and identity, and without apology. I'm just grateful that I was there.

Jenny, your book She's Not There is the only book my wife was able to read and "get it". Thank you, for that.

As we moved forward into transition our two children weren't as willing to come along. Of course, they were considerably older than your own when they were told, age 23 and 25. Yet, we were at the time of disclosure a VERY close and supportive family unit still. As they saw their 'dad' move out of that role, they became disengaged and withdrawn.

Seven years later, my daughter still will not speak to me, or her mother. My son, out of necessity, he found it necessary to move back home for a time. What he's come to realize is the father he once knew and thought he loved, is now someone not his mother, but, very much 'like' one. Our relationship now is stronger than it has ever been and he appears to appreciate with greater understanding 'who' I am as opposed to 'who' he thought I was. It's like he has allowed himself to develop a better sense of his own self.

Does that make him a better man? In my and his mothers eyes, yes.

I have been a contributor to Dr. Boylan and her website for five years or more now. In that time, I have witnessed her growth as a woman, an educator, and a parent. I have rejoiced in her good times and mourned in her bad days. It has been a joy to me to see all the positive and happy changes in her life. Today, I read her contribution to your magazine, and I went away with a renewed sense of gladness for Jenny and her family. She is an accomplished author to be sure, but there are no better pieces in her repertoire than this one. I do hope that Psychology Today will offer Jenny Boylan a regular spot among your contributors. The world will be better for it.

I first met Jen by email in 2003, shortly after my spouse and I read She's Not There. Jen and her family have a wonderful love story, and I applaud their decision to tell it to the world in a way that has educated millions about making the best of an unusual situation. They not only survived, but are thriving in a culture geared toward one male and one female parent.

Fortunatley, our rigid society is slowly evolving toward acceptance of unusual family situations and same-sex relationships. Even as I write this message, the US Supreme Court is considering the legality of same-sex marriage across the country. Even more fortunately, transition does not affect the legality of existing marriages.

Jen talks about being a mother but I cannot agree with the terminology. As many would argue, technically a mother is a female who has given birth. While this is no small task, most females can accomplish this without a great deal of effort. A MOM, on the other hand, is a female who raises and nurtures her children. It is by far, the most important of the two functions. Being a mom takes a great deal of work, love, sacifice, and above all, patience, over the rest of your life. Trust me, parenthood does not end when the kids turn 18. My eldest son is in his 40s now, and I have a stronger relationship wit him now than is bio mom, although I have to say that part of our relationship is still like father and son, especially when it comes to computers and building things.

Is my son a better man that he was before I transitioned? Absolutely. He and his wife and two kids are a regular part of my life and I thank the Lord for them every day.

My family includes two bio kids and seven stepkids (three boys and five girls). As you may reasonable conclude, this is not my first marriage. Per my son's wishes, the two grandkids who were in grade school at the time of my transition call me Aunt Diane to avoid getting mixed up with their two other grandmas. Since my transition, we have been blessed with four more grandkids, who know me only as who I am, and they call me Grammy.

It's not perfect, but it's reasonable. To make something like this work, you have to be flexible and adaptable, and give others the freedom to make their own choices about relationships and names.

BTW Jen, I'm wondering if you climed Mt. Katahin with Deedee and the boys. The first sentence in your blog does not include an "I," but the picture shows all four of you.