Strictly Casual

What research tells us about the whos, whys, and hows of hookups

What Do People Think of Non-Monogamous Relationships?

Openly non-monogamous relationships are becoming ever more visible. Does this awareness translate into greater acceptance? A series of recent studies suggests that, in the minds of most people, consensual nonmonogamy - and the people who engage in it - are far inferior to monogamy. Read More

yes, many are either hypocrites or feel guilty

The irony is that many of the people who look down on consensual nonmonogamy are themselves practicing NONconsensual nonmonogamy, widely practiced and more commonly known as "cheating". I think it's safe to say that among married people, cheating is by far the most commonly practiced form of nonmonogamy. So you would think that people who practice that would at least look more favorably on those who are honest about it. But apparently that's not the case, or many more in these surveys would look more positively on consensual nonmonogamy. So either many people are hypocrites, or they harbor a lot of guilt about their own behavior, or both.

It's also ironic that many people actually practice nonconsensual nonmonogamy in high school and college, sleeping with new partners without the consent of current ones, and then go on to have multiple marriages, with affairs. Yet these same people would look down on people in long-term polygamous relationships, who in some cases have far fewer lifetime partners.

I always thought the phrase "serial monogamy" was humorously oxymoronic, about as silly as "single polygamy". I mean, let's face it, if you're having serial monogamy, you're having multiple partners, just not at the same time. But you still had the pain of the breakups and turmoil in between them, just the same.

As a long times swinger (with

As a long times swinger (with my wife) I find such findings typical, sad, and yet hilarious at the same time. We have found such an awesome place in our relationship and are closer than most couples we know (who are not swingers) that I honestly feel sorry for those who just don't "get" it, or are afraid of it at some level.

On the other hand vanilla stories about "us swingers" are usually hilariously wrong and for some reason people always want to talk about "swingers" who live one block over or some such.

You have fairly chracterized

a very common female activity.More common than most men might suspect:

Until and even after after marriage...nonmonogamy...dating and sleeping with numerous partners has been going on since the stone age!

For perks and attention.

of course

Sure, every time a straight man is having sex, there is a woman having sex. Every time a man has a new partner, a woman is having a new partner. Every time a man is having an "inappropriate" relationship, there is a woman having an "inappropriate" relationship. It's simple math. There are no exceptions.

It's hilarious when people say obviously stupid things like "men have more sex than women", or "men have more partners than women".

Your position

is pretty much a 'bullet-proof' one.

Very nice.

Although

Women cheat more than men.

Doing the 'right thing' just isn't hardwired in their genome for some reason.

Just ask Adam.

Women Usually Have More "Options"

Wouldn't say outright that "women cheat more than men".

But I will add that any woman that looks (half-way descent) will have far more opportunities than her male counterpart - any day. A guy would have to put in some "work" to find women, while a lady may not have to do anything to gain the attention of men. Women get approached more often which increases their chances of meeting other men.

Men "just looking to get

Men "just looking to get laid" outnumber women doing the same greatly so it is to be expected.

I'm married and I'm in somewhat better shape than my wife. For casual sex she would have the easier time if she chose it, BUT I would have the easier time finding a good relationship with a higher quality woman than my wife would find a man.

Women as a rule look at such things differently, thank you evolution. With my looks and profession I could very easily find a woman half my age, who is a "10", even if she wasn't consciously gold digging. The same woman wouldn't give me the time of day though for casual sex. What makes me attractive as a partner is different than just being a boy toy.

Most men seem pretty bitter about this sort of thing for some reason, but they are bitter towards women which is sort of funny being its how men act that is to blame. If men were to pick partners like women do this wouldn't be an issue. Instead our first and often only goal is sex. As long as thats not the only goal for women their will be a "market" issue where more men want sex than women are giving it.

Imagine if more women were into casual sex? Suddenly those "OK" looking women would find themselves alone as their value goes down.

sure, but . . .

If you're a man who genuinely enjoys the companionship of women as friends, has a sense of humor and loves to talk with them, you might be in for a very big surprise! Some of them will ask you to bed, even ones quite a bit younger, and sometime when you least expect it!

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. There you have it -- no secret method, system, or lectures you have to pay for.

Well I'm speaking in general

Well I'm speaking in general here. My wife and I are swingers, sooooo we operate on a different level than most.

opportunities yes, but encounters - not!

Sure, women have more "opportunities" from men for the thing that MEN WANT FROM WOMEN. Which is kind of a male-centric viewpoint and therefore irrelevant and uninteresting to women. It's kind of like your dog envying your access to all that fresh meat in the supermarket -- like, YOU DON'T CARE and it's irrelevant to you. The dog thinks you're lucky as sin to have all that access, but you don't think of it as an advantage at all. So you view that as the dog's problem, not your advantage. Get it? Get out of your male-centric viewpoint, as if women are SUPPOSED to think the same way! LOL

So there are things that women want from men, but which men generally wouldn't want from women. But again, from a male-centric viewpoint, that's sometimes just regarded as silly and not real in some way. If that's really the way you think, it might actually be the reason you're not getting laid as much as you could! Because many women can spot that kind of man who can't think outside his own male-centric box. As I've heard some women put it, "As soon as I started talking to him, I could just sense the gears in his head clicking and trying to figure out how to get into my pants -- a real turnoff!"

Also, yes, I'll give you that from that male viewpoint, women have more opportunities. But as for actual ENCOUNTERS, the numbers square up again -- to exactly equal totals between the genders.... obviously!

Well said.

You could have written my post,as you make a better case for the point I was trying to make. Take care

I think the funny thing here

I think the funny thing here is that a post about cheating/breaking up/divorce will generate 50+ responses, often bitter and hateful, yet this gets very few.

Personally I see that as a +1 for swingers ;)

Why comment ? Who gets

Why comment ? Who gets excited about worthless relationships ?
You swap fluids with whoever you want

Honest Dynamics of Nonmonogamous Not Really Known or Shared

I see nothing wrong with swinging. Whether it be married couples or partners that agree & are happy to live "tha life". The choice to live a non-monogamous sexual life with a consenting partner is the ultimate hookup situation for most people who are truly honest & sincere about it.

People who have experienced swinging & come away with negative perceptions may have encountered swinging couples that swing for their own personal sexual enjoyment & validation, in lieu of being in "tha life" together with their partner.

The research for this kind of lifestyle is interesting but it didn't delve into the "initial" couple like I thought it would. I would like to know more about the evolving dynamics of the swinging couple...do they honestly feel closer, more intimate, or more connected now that they are open to sexual relationships outside of their "core" relationship? Do they truly enjoy a greater sense of trust, security, & honesty with their partner as they continue to share themselves with other people? How is jealously discussed or addressed? Are they more sexually active with each other since they started swinging?

Some answers

SmoovNut wrote:

The research for this kind of lifestyle is interesting but it didn't delve into the "initial" couple like I thought it would. I would like to know more about the evolving dynamics of the swinging couple...do they honestly feel closer, more intimate, or more connected now that they are open to sexual relationships outside of their "core" relationship?

Yes, we are closer and can be 100% honest with each other in ways most couples don't feel comfortable.

Quote:
Do they truly enjoy a greater sense of trust, security, & honesty with their partner as they continue to share themselves with other people?

I trust her unequivocally but I have always done so. Its part of why this works. If you don't trust your partner to start, swinging is most likely not a good choice. Trust first, swing after. This is where the people trying to fix their marriage often falter in swinging. You don't fix a marriage with swinging, you enhance a good one.

Quote:
How is jealously discussed or addressed?

I was a bit jealous the first time we "full swapped" for a couple of reasons. I got over it after about a week of brooding and it was really a great feeling. I used to be the over protective boyfriend/husband. My wife on the other hand didn't have many jealousy issues. I think being bi made that part easier for her.

Quote:
Are they more sexually active with each other since they started swinging?

I think our married sex is about the same frequency as non-swinging couples, at most about 3 times a week. This has gone down from the past, but that I see as just age and age of the relationship. When we are actively swinging we may have more over all sex then this, including with each other, but we are not a swing every week kinda couple. Every few months is our speed.

an obvious insight

Perhaps people correctly recognize that the sort of people that organize their lives around what can realistically be no more than 30 minutes of physical pleasure a day are fundamentally weak.

If I make getting my knob polished by all and sundry the focus and meaning of my life because it feels good it suggests that I will certainly do other things that feel good. I for one used to love smoking weed, perhaps that pleasure is what I should organize my life around. When I was really young and crazy I tried heroin and I can tell you that 30 minutes of pleasure is incomparable, that's my purpose in life Maybe not drugs, roulette is said to be physically and psychologically exciting, maybe that temporary dopamine rush will define who I am, I'll use the mortgage payment for that since it feels so good. OOOh - I know, base jumping !!

Basically it's simple, banging everyone is shallow, risky and hedonistic behaviour :
It combines the health benefits of blood transfusions with random strangers, the chance for unwanted spawn or terminations, actual physical danger, psychological harm, social disapproval, a guarantee of utterly superficial relationships, diminished self worth, diminished worth to partners, trauma, disgust and confusion to kith and kin and a dozen other problems.
I personally have never had an orgasm worth hepatitis, ostracism, loss of respect, shame of children and family, the destruction of both partners self worth and an unwanted pregnancy with a pervy stranger.

And the counter point

Diogenes wrote:

It combines the health benefits of blood transfusions with random strangers, the chance for unwanted spawn or terminations, actual physical danger, psychological harm, social disapproval, a guarantee of utterly superficial relationships, diminished self worth, diminished worth to partners, trauma, disgust and confusion to kith and kin and a dozen other problems.
I personally have never had an orgasm worth hepatitis, ostracism, loss of respect, shame of children and family, the destruction of both partners self worth and an unwanted pregnancy with a pervy stranger.

Married 17 years here. Swinger as above. I don't know if they have a marriage strength scale out there but I know mine is far stronger than most couples out there. We still treat each other like newly weds in a lot of ways, have zero secrets, and really do love each other.

You just throw a bunch of crap on the wall with your post hoping something sticks. About the only true one is there is a STD risk, but its slightly better for swingers than the single population.

Don't project your issues on others.

Everyone has a Nobel prize on the internet.

I believe not a word you say.

So you're newly weds ?
Do you tell her ?
" I love you like the day we met, I'm going to go wear out the skank down the street "

"Since we have no secrets I need you to know that a 20 second orgasm is worth more to be than any commitment or connection we may have"

"Since I refuse to control my physical urges and exclusively do what feels good henceforth I'm pooping in the den"

No, no, I've got it.
" Our marriage is so strong that I need someone else more interesting also "

If you wish to be an amoral horny tween, what get married ? Or is she your wampum to trade with other pervy hedonists ?

Some people...

Diogenes wrote:
I believe not a word you say.

Some people were just not put on this earth to "get it", you appear to be one of those people. I will sleep well despite knowing out there, some opinionated but woefully uninformed person doesn't believe me.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-swinging-paradigm/201310/are-swi...

You can start learning there.

gotcha

You'll note that the author references no published work, provides no authentication and doesn't reveal methodology or results.

The article is literally "sex addicts and their victims are not who you might think ( based on some degenerates that I like) ."

He should follow up with an article "surprise, most Nazis are jewish"

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., studies how various expressions of sexuality are related to psychological health and wellbeing.

more...

Subscribe to Strictly Casual

Current Issue

Love & Lust

Who says marriage is where desire goes to die?