Stop Walking on Eggshells

When someone in your life has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder

How Today's Politics is Like High-Conflict Divorce

The middle ground is disappearing from politics in the United States.

 

This guest blog is by Bill Eddy and Don Saposnek, authors of the new book Splitting America: How Politicians, Super PACs, and the News Media Mirror High Conflict Divorce. 

Today’s politicians have been forced to polarize; they must see themselves as being (or having to be) viewed as “all-good,” while their opponents have to be viewed as “all-bad.” The recent presidential debates seem to have strengthened this perception. But this problem isn’t just in the Presidential race.

When Don Saposnek and I wrote our recent book, Splitting America: How Politicians, Super PACs and the News Media Mirror High Conflict Divorce, we pointed out that today’s Senators no longer eat lunch together in the Senate dining room. Instead, they eat with their own party members in a separate caucus, mostly talking about how they are going to deal with members of the other party.

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Without eating and engaging in other social activities together, today’s politicians are unlikely to see, understand or even care about each other’s point of view. As one political staffer said two years ago: “Why would they want to have lunch together when they hate each other?” (Packer, G. The Empty Chamber: Just how broken is the Senate? The New Yorker, August 9, 2010.

The middle ground is disappearing from politics in the United States. This has been a growing trend in the last few years, but it seems to have picked up speed in the most recent election cycle. Yet, without the middle, or moderates, there is no one to assist in making the compromises that makes politics work.

A recent analysis showed that the most liberal Republican in Congress is more conservative than the most conservative Democrat. That means that there is no overlap between the parties anymore. This may mean that there will be no more joint Democrat and Republican bills that will be submitted to the Senate or House of Representatives. In years past, we have seen successful joint efforts, like the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act, more commonly known as the McCain-Feingold law (jointly sponsored by Republican John McCain and Democrat Russ Feingold), which temporarily limited campaign funding, until the U.S. Supreme Court lifted those restrictions in the Citizens United case in 2010. In the past, we also saw collaborations – and even friendships – between Senators, such as Ted Kennedy (Democrat of Massachusetts) and Orrin Hatch (Republican of Utah). Are those days completely gone?

Sen. Bob Casey of Pennsylvania said that he believes moderates can still bring people together, but it’s not going to happen naturally or by accident…we have to work at it…each individual member of congress has to take on personal responsibility…he has to keep the poison out of the water to avoid the kind of demonization that happens when people debate issues (Associated Press, October 15, 2012).

Last week, a New York Times article explained that many moderates are leaving Congress by not running for re-election this year – both Republican moderates and Democratic moderates. This will eliminate many of the “consensus builders” ( In Congress, a Shrinking Pool of Moderates, The New York Times , by Jennifer Steinhauer, published October 8, 2012).  The article cites political scientists who report that the House of Representatives is “more polarized than at any time in the last century.”

For the past 30 years, we have been professional family mediators, and we know that high-conflict divorce cases have a devastating impact on the children, as well as on both parents and many other family members and friends. Over the past ten years, there has been an increasing interest in collaborative practice for family law professionals, including lawyers, counselors, mediators and others. Because we have seen what “high-conflict” relationships turn into over time, we know about the clear need for collaboration in all relationships. Yet, it appears that our politicians and others involved in influencing elections are missing this larger reality: You can’t really win when you can’t work together. Instead, everybody (especially the voters) lose.

In today’s politics, there is the fantasy of victory for those who believe they are the sole owners of the truth and own the one right way to the future. This is a narcissistic view of the world that is not real and does not work. For anyone to have success in politics – or any other organizational effort – they must be able to listen to the viewpoints of others, respect different points of view, and successfully incorporate them into their proposals and plans. The view of many of today’s politicians is victory without compromise or collaboration. This is simply a fantasy that cannot succeed.

Just look at the children of today’s high-conflict divorces, if you’re not sure. They are alienated, depressed and exposed to never-ending conflict – even ten and twenty years past their parents’ divorce. The solution to high-conflict is not to have big winners and big losers. The solution is to learn how to collaborate to solve problems, so that conflicts are actually resolved, and a community and the long-term relationships within it survive when the conflict is over.

Think twice before you vote. Avoid voting for the politicians with “all the right answers,” and look instead for the politicians that can play well with others – that can collaborate for the benefit of our nation, not just for themselves, their own egos and a small group of friends. It’s up to us, because, on their own, high-conflict politicians can’t seem to stop themselves.

To watch an interview with Bill, click http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/blog/785

 

 

   William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (with Randi Kreger)

BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns

It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything

For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

Randi Kreger is the co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells.

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