I'm taking a break from our BPD/NPD series to address those who want to maintain contact or stay in a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder. I wrote this article with input from www.BPDFamily.com.

1. Lower your expectations and be realistic. Radically accept your loved one's disorder. She's probably doing the best she can with limited capabilities. Give up your ideas about what the relationship should be. Even if your family member is in active recovery, it may take years before you can have the relationship you envisioned. If she's not willing to enter therapy or compromise, realize that only you can change the relationship by changing yourself. Keep in mind that you did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you can't control it.
2. Maintain your own life, hopes, and dreams for yourself even if your family member demands your attention. If you forget about your own interests, you will be abandoning yourself and have nothing left to give. Budget time for yourself and take breaks regularly to rest and reflect on the situation and revaluate and reaffirm your commitment.
3.  Preserve your emotional health by building and keeping a significant emotional support system for yourself (e.g., close friends and family) even if your loved one discourages you from doing so, and even if you have difficulty opening up. Isolation will put you in a weak emotional state that you will not long survive.
4. Respect your own limitations. Establish compromises between the BP's needs and your own and stick to them. Set and maintain limits and boundaries based on what you need to do to take care of yourself. Do not become enmeshed, unable to tell where you and your family member begin and end. You can't be afraid of confrontation.
5. Keep up your emotional strength. If you chose this path, you've got to have a strong sense of identity and self worth and maintain your view of oneself in the face of outside influence or messages. You will need to validate yourself when no one else is there to do it for you. If you come into the relationship feeling worthless, you will become consumed by the relationship and be on an emotional rollercoaster with the intense rages and alternating idealization and devaluation.
6. Remember the good things about your loved one when he is being difficult. If she is working hard to be better in therapy and in recovery, that is amazing. Small steps will add up. Try to enjoy good times when things are going well.
7. Keep educating yourself about the disorder. There are logical reasons why people with BPD behave the way they do. If you understand why, you will feel less confused and learn not to take the behavior personally. Keep up with research and scientific news.
8. Expect to do more than your share. You will need to do most of the work to keep the relationship on an even keel while respecting your limitations. Depending upon your loved one's level of functioning, you may need to maintain routine and structure and help your family member problem-solve. Be prepared for crisis after crisis. This could range from controlling the bank accounts to educating the children or having a suicide threat plan.
9. Understand why you choose to remain in the relationship: It's a deeply personal decision and each person may have different reasons and motivations. Sometimes the reasons are unhealthy. Many professionals enter therapy when they are treating BPD to stay grounded. It is a good idea for you, too.
10.  Protect Children. They can't care for themselves and they're depending on you. Set limits and keep them out of harm's way.