Dear Randi:
My personality disordered husband and I have a disagreement about when to eat. I want to eat dinner at 6:30 p.m. He wants to eat at 7:30 p.m. So I told him fine, we'll eat at 7:30 p.m. since that's what he prefers.
My problem is that we are ending up eating even later than that because he says he gets busy. When I object to that he calls me selfish and says that the only people who eat earlier are older people. This is becoming a major argument. What do I do?
Signed,
Selfish Early Eater
Dear SEE:
Your mistake here is trying to pull what's "normal" for a time to eat out of the air. That both misses the point and is pointless. If he wanted to eat at midnight and you at 2 p.m. you would still have the same problem.
You are being very considerate by eating at his time instead of yours. (By the way, doing things his way instead of compromising by eating at 7 p.m. or so you positively reinforced that he can get his way by being demanding. A non-personality disordered person would see that you've been considerate and appreciate it.)
But of course he has borderline and/or narcissistic personality disorder and sees things in a negative light. He also needs to control the situation.
The less you take things personally the better. You're not going to please him whatever you do. So you have to give up the demand that he take care of your feelings and give you permission to act on your own behalf. You have to take care of your own feelings and give yourself your own permission.
Say, "We've got a real difference of preference when we're going to eat. Neither one of us is right or wrong--it's like you like vanilla and I like strawberry ice cream. I am willing to meet you halfway/eat at your preferred time. But I won't eat later than that. If you want to eat later, I can leave the stuff in the refrigerator/keep it warm in the oven."
Then do it.
When he claims this and that (you're selfish or acting like an 87-year-old) just repeat yourself. Use standard communication tools you can find in my books or elsewhere. You can't set a boundary and take care of his feelings at the same time. In fact, you can't take care of his feelings about anything.
When a person chooses to make a life with a PD, there's going to be radical acceptance that they will have distorted cognitions (thoughts), emotions, and behaviors. Splitting, mood swings, intense uncontrollable emotions, feelings of superiority, extreme behaviors and so forth. Just like if you have children you are setting yourself up for poopy diapers.
There are tools for dealing with these distortions, just like there are tools for changing poopy diapers. But you need some emotional distance so that his perceptions, emotions and extreme behaviors don't sway you from your own beliefs, feelings and behaviors (like questioning what is "normal," getting upset, and eating at 9:45 p.m.).
When you exaggerate this, it's easier to see what to say and do. What if he wanted to eat at midnight? What would you do? Argue or eat at a regular time? If he told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Would you spend hours arguing that jumping off cliffs is not normal? Would you cringe at being called "selfish" for not meeting his cliff-jumping needs?
No one said this would be easy. This is a relatively simple issue compared to some complex ones. But taking care of yourself here is a good start.
Signed,
Randi Kreger
