Stop Walking on Eggshells

This describes my father to a T. I only found out that he had NPD through my own therapy, because his guise of being so "giving" and well-liked by others (for the most part) kept me from realizing that he has absolutely no empathy. It's interesting how his self-centered decisions are made unconsciously, but it's also sad, because I'm realizing what I never had and what I never will have in him as my father.

You know Randi, there is not a lot of information available to the general public regarding the "cause" of NPD. There are a few very helpful books, but none of them address the "why" of this perplexing disorder. I think it is important to know a little about the back ground of the person with NPD, in order to know if you loved one really has it or only a few traits. A person with BPD has some of the traits of NPD, at least some of the time. However, a person with NPD has a very unique childhood experience that is easy to recognized. They are not abused and neglected like the BPD person. They are abused in a totally different fashion. Also, communication skills that work great with BPD, do not work with NPD. NPD has totally different communication needs.

Floyd Koenig

I'm not entirely convinced this pastor had NPD: he may also have thought that if the religious issues group became too personal, and too much like a support group or group therapy session, it wouldn't be about a philosophical/religious discussion about ideas, which may have been how he read the intentions of the group. He may have been a tad selfish or stubborn, not to mention defensive when the whole thing didn't work, and I don't know why he couldn't have had two groups, but NPD? I also understand that the role of the pastor is to provide spiritual guidance, which includes dealing with dark personal issues, and if he refused to provide that for the church, then I could see how he failed. Still not convinced he has this vicious agenda, however.

The point of the story wasn't the WHAT but the HOW: the way he handled the situation.

He certainly didn't have a "vicious" agenda at all; really,that's the main point. He was clueless as to how someone might feel about what he said, and he never intended to be mean. Because he was unable to put himself in these people's place, he couldn't predict how people would feel.

VERY IMPORTANT POINT TO COME HERE.

For a person to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, there are a number of criteria that need to be met. These criteria, as well as the criteria for NPD that I discussed above, are not laid out in this very small example. My goal here was to illustrate in a small way lack of empathy notable for NPs, not give a total picture of the disorder.

The point of the story wasn't the WHAT but the HOW: the way he handled the situation.

He certainly didn't have a "vicious" agenda at all; really,that's the main point. He was clueless as to how someone might feel about what he said, and he never intended to be mean. Because he was unable to put himself in these people's place, he couldn't predict how people would feel.

VERY IMPORTANT POINT TO COME HERE.

For a person to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, there are a number of criteria that need to be met. These criteria, as well as the criteria for NPD that I discussed above, are not laid out in this very small example. My goal here was to illustrate in a small way lack of empathy notable for NPs, not give a total picture of the disorder.

Will there ever be a time in there life where they will be able to truly see who they really are and how there actions cause so much pain? If not do I just sit back and watch as this storm devastates our work space and the friends I care about?

I completely get it. My husband exhibits these types of characteristics in his behaviour. He plays softball and always brags about how he is the "best player on the team." He has even gone as far as to put other players down on the team but he says that all he is doing is "being honest with them about the way that they are playing." He asks me "what am I supposed to do, lie to them?" As a result, two teams have stopped asking him to participate in softball tournaments and have opted to ask players that don't play as well as my husband does. He doesn't understand it but I do...they would rather have someone play that is less condisending even if they aren't as athletic. Quite frankly, my husband is pretty good at softball, but humility and knowing when and how to say things is not his strong suite. He doesn't care who's feelings he hurts or how what he says affects someone as long as he "tells the truth."

What is interesting to me is how similar the traits of the two disorders are. I just left a very chaotic relationship with someone that had previously been diagnosed with BPD but when I look at information about both disorders he displayed many traits from both. Is this typical? Could he suffer from both? Or is it safe to say people with BPD tend toward narcissism?

Go to my post on BPD and empathy,(right before this one) and the paragraph on narcissistic demands at the end. That will answer your questions.

Is it possible for someone with NPD to recognize that perhaps certain common life choices (marriage, family) might not be the best for them? I have a son, not diagnosed with anything, who shows many of the signs you've discussed. Last week we were talking and he said that he's pretty sure he'd make a lousy husband and father, and is considering avoiding that road entirely. From what you've said, that sort of introspection isn't typical. He's also expressed alot of regret for past behaviors, tho I am not convinced that he isn't saying what he thinks I want to hear. Yeah, there are trust issues at this point.

I wouldn't focus on the label here. Anyone who has insight into their behavior has a GREAT possibility for recovery and regaining trust.

I recognized some of these traits in some people I’ve seen and suspected of pedophilia, is there a connection? They too are found in all the fields that provide such good cover of compassion and unquestionable authority, i.e., priests, boy scouts, Hospice, Child Protection Agencies, wow, this is getting freaky.

I was accosted just last night by a close friend of mine who has been displaying many traits of NPD. However, until now, none of his actions have been directed toward me. He has always seen me as highly intelligent and his "equal" and therefore I am spared the derogatory remarks he tosses at those he views as the general population. He is highly judgmental and expects people to speak, dress and perform the way he wants them to.

For months now I have spent hours upon hours listening to him speak of tall tales of grandeur, impossible feats and successes that just don't make any sense. He lays claims to a history of near celebrity yet I know lives in near poverty. Though I have caught him in many lies I've never called him on it and due to my highly empathetic nature there has been a part of me that wants to know the "poor man who is hiding behind this devil of a shell."

Anyone who does not fit his criteria is tossed aside immediately as though he never knew them (even if they are life long friends). Last night I apparently tripped up and mentioned I am a Christian and he began screaming that I was incapable of ever having an intelligent conversation with him again and that I had lied to him for our entire friendship. He feels I had lulled him into a false sense of philosophical security. In order to redeem myself he wanted me to recite back to him "I swear on my mother's grave I never intentionally lied to you about my religion and I promise I will behave accordingly in the future" as though I was a child.

To say I am shaken up and upset is an understatement but somehow I came across this story and its familiarity actually brings me some comfort in regards to my experience. I feel less alone and have maybe found the beginnings of some understanding. I look forward to reading more. Thank you for providing this information to the public.

I am sorry you were so hurt by your friend.

I am not saying that narcissists are monsters. That would be in the area antisocial personality disorder. But they could certainly FEEL that way to people, especially when the abuse their position of trust, as in a religious figure or, to a lesser degree, a politician.

I recently got remarried. The man I married is very succesful and driven to be the best. While we dated, he was so loving to my daughter and I but now he blows up once a month. He likes all of my attention and is angry when she is around. People that he works with call him narcissistic which I have never really noticed. Even though I do well in my own business it is not good enough in his eyes. He consistently tells me that I need to be more like him. He is angry that I don't sit in front of him and take notes on how he deals with business the right way. He also recently told me that he does not respect me in business because I spend way to much time caring about my clients. After he has gone off on me and broken me then life is all better again and he loves me more than ever. What can I do with this behave??

Can you talk more about possible borderline traits (see one of my other posts, How is BPD like Porn (the many faces of BPD) such as wanting you with just him, not your daughter. Also, has he ever been threatening or violent?

He is not physically abuse, just verbally. He has to be the center of attention and he has to have the credit for doing things in business. He degrades me by telling people he pays for everything for my daughter and I when I pay half the bills. He does have an addictive alcohol/drug personality. Before I heard this term I thought he was only ADD. His mood can go from happy to ugly and pissed off at the world. It is my job to bring him back. He is an energy vampire. I feel so drained lately.

Big thing... when I cry he acts like he does not notice even if he made me cry.

My mother was...is...a raging narcissist. My relationship with her made me sick with depression that could only be cured by cutting her out of my life.
The subject of my comment is my amateurish label for her most favorite "game" - at any given time in my life, both as a child and as an adult, she was not speaking to any given number of friends, relatives, etc. And her "game" was to imply - quite directly - that if I didn't stop speaking to those people, she would turn her anger against me too. I suffered many, many "silent treatments" over these situations and many others, and the only end to them EVER was for ME to apologize, eventhough I rarely did anything to warrant such treatment.
So I'd like to suggest you consider discussing this particular aspect of narcissism in a future post - how narcissists see others as extensions of themselves and not as individuals separate from themselves. I think that their inability to be empathetic has to be connected to this...?

I believe my brother may be a classic case of NPD. He is a high school Spanish teacher, but has always talked about getting into school administration, although has never been able to complete the education necessary. He has always enjoyed being by himself, even now with a wife and three adult daughters around the house. He enjoys photography and his favorite subject is himself. He has over three-hundred pictures of himself posted on Face Book and Flickr. His M.O. is always the same....set up the tripod, take a snapshot, change hats, and take another picture. We came by some money from a wrongful death suit from our dad. He now takes pictures of himself at fancy hotels, and even of the meals he is served (all posted on line). My mom says he is happy. I think he is continually trying to fill an empty shell. He gets plenty of recognition from fellow Flickr contributors, i.e. "great picture" or, "can you adopt me?" His behavior is a little left of normal, but doesn't seem to hurt anyone. Is there really a problem?