In my last post, I stated that unlike those with borderline disorder, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) lack empathy. Today, I'll share a true story about "empathetic blindness." Naturally, the names and details have been changed. (And although "Peter" is a pastor, I am certainly not implying that all pastors are like this.)
Peter, a narcissist, was a pastor in a hospital. He loved to be the person who came in to comfort grieving relatives. He would comfort the family, hold their hands, say all the right things. He certainly considered himself a very empathetic person. After all, he was a pastor!
But what he really loved (although he consciously didn't know this) was that he was the second star of attraction (after the late loved one).
Now, Peter used to work in a medium-sized church before he was eventually let go because he was the victim of politics (or so he thought). While he was there, he was in charge of program in which small groups of church members got together to discuss religious issues and share what was going on in their life. Members of the Small Group Program became very friendly and were of great support to each other.
Peter had great ambitions for the program, which he inherited. His ambition was to make the groups in his own image, which included instituting a number of new guidelines. He wanted people to spend more time talking about the issues, not themselves. Some members spent so much time talking about their concerns that the topic that particular month got shortchanged. These people needed too much support, and that was not the purpose of the group.
It came to his attention via someone who shared his philosophy that several people would not be able to abide by these new guidelines. They needed too much support from others and took too much time away from discussions of spiritual issues. To take care of this problem, he called them into his office one my one in the guise of chatting with them about their experience in the group. However, as soon as they came in the room he abruptly informed them they would not be continuing with the group.
He deflected questions about why from tearful exiting members, who were often devastated. Finally, he flatly told them that the group, a sacred place, really wasn't about their problems and they were taking up too much time.
This didn't provoke the response he expected. He thought people would be appreciative of his honesty. When a few of these members complained to the head of the church that they felt devastated, he was shocked and felt betrayed, angry, and frustrated.
If Peter had the capacity for real empathy, the reaction of the church members wouldn't have surprised him. He would have been able to put himself in other's shoes and predict their response. But he didn't.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."
According to the DSM-IV-TR, to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) individuals must meet five or more of the following symptoms:
• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Peter believes he has empathy: in fact, it is a major component of his self image. But in reality, he was so blind to others' emotions he had no idea of the effect of his actions on other people. When friends who cared tried to talk to him about this, he became very angry, resentful, and dismissive. He also never spoke to them again.
People with NPD do have empathy for one person: themselves. They have a constant need for narcissistic supply: admiration, praise, and, at the very least, attention from others. (This is why they sometimes go into professions like politics, acting, and the helping professions.)
While Peter eventually lost his position at the church, it was easy for him to charm his way into a new one. He was genuinely witty, bright, and had good ideas (as many NPs do). And from his point of view, more than anything else, he cared about others and wanted to help them.
Randi Kreger
www.BPDCentral.com
* NEW! Author, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells (available at www.BPDCentral.com)
I'll talk much more about NPD in upcoming posts. If you have a question you'd like me to address, please comment below.
Also, please note: For a person to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, there are a number of criteria that need to be met. These criteria, as well as the criteria for NPD that I discussed above, are not laid out in this very small example. My goal here was to illustrate in a small way lack of empathy typical for NPs, not give a total picture of the disorder.
