As the owner of my own Psychology Today blog about high conflict people (including those with borderline personality disorder) I have some feedback about your categories.
First, though, let me sum up the way you categorize family and friends of people with BPD (non-BPs):
1. Those not drawn into the chaos of the disorder.
Of those non-BPs who do react to the disorder, they fall into two categories:
2. "Trans-Borderlines," who are drawn to the chaos and are caretakers/enablers, similar to the dynamic in alcoholic relationships.
3. "Counter-Borderlines," who behave in a borderline manner, question their own sanity, and take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.
My observations here are based on observing several thousand members of my online family support group community Welcome to Oz: I will limit my comments to partners here because I think that's what your categories are referring to. Blood relatives are an entirely separate topic.
I have yet to find a partner who has not been drawn in to the chaos of the disorder. The only questions are how drawn in do they become, and in what way?
Those who are drawn in the least are partners who have healthy self-esteem and have good role models. They may spend a few months or years in the relationship, seek help, learn about BPD, realize their partner is in denial and is not going to change, and exit the relationship. They still have periods of questioning their own sanity, but they generally aren't rescuers. They're not attracted to drama.
Those who are drawn in the most are male partners with a fragile self-esteem who often have role models with unhealthy relationships. Frequently, they are the oldest child or have had too much responsibility put on them too early.
Because of their low-self esteem, the "up" side of splitting seen in the typical courtship period is strongly reinforcing. They feel loved and looked up to in a way they never have been before. That pull is strong and is reinforced during brief periods when their borderline partner splits them good again or expresses emotional pain.
When the borderline partner has outward signs of emotional distress, the caretaker/rescuer part of the non-BP clicks in, again reinforced by intermittent good times. The men seem almost obsessed with thoughts of getting back those early days when their partner put them on a pedestal.
Rescuing makes them feel important. Some of these non-BP partners are actually attracted to the chaos, the ride on the roller-coaster, and feel a void if the relationship ends.
Women with borderline men partners are another story. The borderline male partners are almost always comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder and act in a controlling way. Substance abuse and use of pornography are common. I don't see a lot of the rescuing here.
These, of course, are very broad brushes and there is some stereotyping here. A full discussion would take a long time.
Randi Kreger
Author, Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, and the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder
(Available at www.BPDCentral.com)
