Sticky Bonds

Lost Loves, Romances, and Families in the 21st Century.

7 Tips to Know If Your Lost Love Reunion (Affair) Isn't Work

Will the heartache end, or should the reunion end?

You are struggling and often in crisis with your lost love reunion. But you've read my book, Lost & Found Lovers, with all the happy stories, and cling to hope. How can you make sense of this for your own situation, your own chance of success?

Set aside denial for a moment and listen:

1) The profiles of the initial romances of people chose to try reunions remain constant, but the happy ending statistics in 1997 were for single, divorced and widowed participants. Very few bback then were married when they reunited with their lost loves (and those didn't work usually). 

2) And the affairs did not go on for years. They left their marriages quickly, before they were caught by their spouses. If years are going by, and you or the lost love is/are still married to your original spouse(s), what you are doing toward the goal of being openly, exclusively together is not working.

3) And there was no such thing as "No Contact" for weeks or months (my website forum members use that term, but that was never my concept). If you need no contact, you are prolonging your pain. See my blog article on no contact.

See All Stories In

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Love can be a minefield.

Find a Therapist

Search for a mental health professional near you.

4)  The happily reunited people in the 1990's were purposefully looking for lost love romances, married or not. These were not accidental affairs. But most lost loves in affairs since 2000 started accidentally, such as by friending someone, innocently, on Facebook. They do not think ahead, do not want to leave their marriages, and so they do not divorce and marry their lost loves.

Almost everyone in an accidental affair will end up without your lost love. The longer you put off the grieving process by trying to make it work, the harder it will be to heal from it. And the greater the chance that you will wind up without your marriage, too.

5) Letting go and hoping for better timing later actually works better than hanging on and getting angry at each other for broken promises. You have a chance of reuniting successfully later if, for circumstantial reasons like widowhood, the marriages are over. The affairs, year after year, do not propel anyone to successful reunions. Try short term pain for long term gain. 

6) Take a look at my website forums. Former members come back to post happy notes, but these are generally about new-found partners, not their lost loves.

7) All of the crisis stories on my website should show you that these affairs don't work. They are lessons, not stories to strive for. At some point, you or your lost love will "inexplicably" walk away. The lost love just disappears and the heartbroken reunion partner can't understand why. But no mystery: it's because of being married and not wanting to talk about the situation or deal with it in any way anymore. 

I personally don't care if you stay married without your lost love or leave your marriage and truly reunite with your lost love. I don't know you or what is best for you, and the choices are yours. But I do know that remaining in the affair while you are trying to be married is going to hurt everyone. My goal is to get everyone out of crisis and back to loving life.

copyright 2012 Nancy Kalish, Ph.D.

lostlovers.com

Nancy Kalish, Ph.D., is an Emeritus Professor of Psychology at the California State University, Sacramento. She is the author of Lost & Found Lovers.

more...

Subscribe to Sticky Bonds

Current Issue

Let It Go!

It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.