Sticky Bonds

I thank you for this post. I have been thinking of a "lost love" ever since he broke my heart nearly two years ago. Today I'm in a great relationship of about a year. This confirms what I have been contemplating ever since the "lost love" phenom occurred to me.. that we never do completely get over relationships of the past. Every relationship has changed and touched us forever.

Knowing this, I accept that I will always have fond memories of my ex love. But I have made the choice not to ruin my current relationship by "re-awakening" old feelings. I'm going to keep my distance and enjoy my present relationship. I think I might feel just as damaged if I leave my present relationship and return in search of the old one. Also, my life circumstances such as where I am going to school now, the people tied into my relationship are in favor of my present relationship.

So really you have to weigh the odds to see what path in love you should choose. Anyway thanks again for the great article! Helped me decide not to contact an old flame in hopes to gain closure/rekindle old romance.

Therapists who do not understand lost love and suggest "contact for closure" are actually the catalysts for damage to not just their client's life, but the lives of their client's spouse and other family, and the life of the former lost love that was contacted, and that lost love's spouse and family. That misguided contact creates calamity, not closure.

Get ready for posts from folks who married, divorced, and then remarried their former spouses at some point later in their lives. Or people who had a lost love, recontacted them, and then remarried happily later on.

As for the "closure" thing -- if the marriage was so great? The person wouldn't need to contact the former love to seek "closure." The client is snowing the therapist, or talking in code. It's up to the therapist to see that the client has unexpressed misgivings about their current relationship.

great article! I just recently got out of a very intense(in a good way) relationship and find myself thinking of tge what if's about me contacting my ex. I have fond memories but do not want my ex back, I just find myself missing my ex and feel like I will feel better (have closure if I tell him) but I know thats not real and like you I agree there is,no such thing as closure! contrary to yout article though I do agree with the last person who comented on this blog..i feel like if you are having more then the occasional random memory of an old love(usually because of a similarity in your current spouse or just avfamiliar event) there should b noooo reason why those memories are cripling and need closure.... either way thanks for the article you are great!!

Dr Kalish, your articles are very helpful and I've also been looking at your website. I've seen a few different places where you talk about healing from within, but do you have any steps / recommendations for doing so? I wish I could set up a consultation or gain access to the member sections of your message boards, however, my husband would question what the payment was for. I don't want to contact my LL anymore because I want to put my marriage first and stop hurting, but having such a hard time healing.

And for the person who says if the marriage was so great, the person wouldn't need to contact the former love, that is not always true. I had no idea several years ago that an innocent reconnection to say hi (not even for closure) would reignite old feelings, quickly and intensely. It's a slippery slope when that happens. My marriage has been wonderful but that doesn't make it an easy thing to now eliminate contact with LL.

DO NOT CONTACT your first love.I have been looking all of my life for a copy of her,but that does not work.Do not make contact,you will get obsessed and so will your first love.Your first love is stronger than cocaine and very addictive.Raging teenage hormones.You will have to learn to live with these feelings.Closure is NOT a option.

I have a problem with my first love. It seems neither of us can let go. We have been in contact for 3 years now. Our relationship floats back and forth between good and sweet to mean and mad. I dont understand this at all. The only thing I can think of is that we both love each other and feel pain that we are not to be together so there are two choices. Friends or cease contact. Both hurt. Time does not really heal these feelings and I hate saying goodbye on a bad note. My first love is special, why does it have to be this way. If it were anyone else it wouldve been overwith a very long time ago. Before he made contact with me I was a very happy woman. Now there is a hole in my heart.

I found this site seeking help for all the same reasons. It has been 29 years and I just can't get over this love. I've dated others and loved others, but the one I can't get over was different. After a terrible night of sleep, and ready to send him some flowers to tell him I still think of him after all these years, I ended up at your site. I was relieved after I read all the posts, had calmed down and told myself how ridiculous it all is. What a fantasy and I surely don't want to go ruining his life. I am at the end of a marriage with a guy who has chosen to be unemployed for 10 years and acts like one of my kids. Still, this is not by far the first time I've pined for my former love. So here are my questions. Life is short, are you not to follow your heart? My head can make smart decisions all day long but am I happy at the end of the day? If it is such a bad idea to contact someone you cared for deeply after a long time, maybe it's a bad idea to see anyone from your past - good or bad? Why suppress all these feelings of love and yearning? Yes, I realize everybody is older and things have changed and yada yada. But I don't want to die with him not knowing that I never stopped loving him. Isn't it ok to say that? I realize, yes, there is more below the surface than that and I can't be 18 again and neither can he. This is why I struggle with it. Should I or shouldn't I? If everyone is so mature than yes, people can deal with the consequences and handle the message however they like. I guess I feel like my love is unconditional at this point. He's already married someone else and I get it. So I'm not expecting him to reciprocate. I just want him to know I said I'd always love him and I still do.

And a few more thoughts on that. These are just words I want to say. Do I imagine him running into my arms, the embrace, the kiss, the words exchanged? Yes. I've dreamed it on many occasions. I've also dreamed the other outcome...he blows me off, he walks past me. I feel disappointed. I drag through the next day. I feel tortured on a regular basis, in a prison I've constructed. I would feel so much better if I could just say those three words to him. Yet, I know I might be fooling myself into taking that first step to see what the next step would be. Why do I feel this agony and how can I rid myself of it? I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I simply want to express love. If he is in a solid marriage they will handle it fine. If they do not have a solid marriage, then anything could have rocked it. I won't feel responsible for what someone referred to as "reckless" behavior. I'm not defaming anyone, or saying I hate anyone or anything nasty like that. What really is so terrible about telling someone you always loved them. Isn't that what love stories are made of and what makes life a little bit sweeter?