There was some confusion and misunderstanding about my recent faux lost love post, so I am taking this opportunity to clarify.
I was not saying that anyone's feelings are fake. The feelings are real. Nothing is delusional.
My blog article refers to the profile I found, over my 17 years of researching this topic: for successful lost love reunions, the couples have a certain profile of what their initial romances were like. When people reunite, who are not married, and their initial romances were not stormy, only ending because of a situational factor outside of the couple's control—moved away, too young, parents disapproved, etc.—they have a good chance of staying together as adults. They feel like they were always meant to be together.
If these couples reunite when there are new situational factors to keep them apart, like being married when they reconnect, then their reunions may or may not work, and they may have a rough time, but the problems are related to the situations and not the case that they wouldn't be happy together if situations were different.
For people who did not have positive initial romances—perhaps personality differences were difficult, not getting along, or other factors that will probably remain as the people grow older—then the issue at reunion is not solving external barriers but dealing with a romance between two people who probably never belonged together and cannot be happy together. I am not saying the love is false. I am saying the lost love interpretation is false.
What this means (and how it can be helpful) is the different approach someone would take to move away from the pain. If the two had a wonderful initial romance, but one wasn't ready for marriage (too young), and they reconnect when they are married to other people, then the focus of soul-searching (and possibly therapy) would be to decide whether they want to stay married or leave the marriage to be with the lost love. Being in the middle with a secret affair is painful, so they need to choose one or the other (or tell their spouses and agree as a married couple that the lost love and spouse will coexist...an unlikely possibility).
In the situation I call a faux "lost love," there is no external situation that will resolve the painful reconnection. The reunion isn't working because of conflicts between the two lost loves, just as they conflicted years ago. So therapy would involve exploring why the bond is so compelling despite the
feelings of devastation and desperation it causes.
Someone can have a faux situation and be married, and the marriage can seem like the stumbling block when really the reunion wouldn't work even if they were single.
Knowing the difference can help resolve the dilemma of whether to be together or not. Insight into what is compelling (maybe addictive) about the reunion can make choices easier. Choosing will take away the pressure to do something (and reduce the risk if getting caught). If someone can leave the problematic lost love for a few months, they have a better chance of getting their feelings of love, sexual excitement, anxiety and guilt under control and managing the addictive quality. The feelings may never go away - they are real feelings - but they can be managed with the right counseling so that the decision, though difficult (!), will feel like the right thing to do.
Many people cannot do this on their own. They need a support system, just like alcoholics do well with AA, or therapy. By continuing the stormy reunion, a person unknowingly recreates the familiar and exciting "stormy" romance from the past. Sometimes it's not possible to finish things completely. Sometimes there is no "best" way to conclude; sometimes it boils down to the least detrimental decision.
copyright 2012 Nancy Kalish, Ph.D.
