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Because we are rational, intelligent people, we think that if we knew the reasons for things, the reasons would set us free. If only we knew how that other person thought or felt, or why he/she acted that way, our emotions would be healed by the knowledge.
It works that way in the movies, like Marnie and Sybil. The character discovers the hidden fact about her childhood and she is cured. Just like that! Ah ha!
Real life usually doesn't work like that.
The members of my website, lostlovers.com, want to understand their Lost Loves. Why did their Lost Loves react the way they did? Or why didn't they react at all ("Where IS my Lost Love lately?") Back and forth questions and possible answers submitted by caring others. What does it all mean? We can figure out that other person if we put our heads together.
But you know what? Sometimes even the Lost Love doesn't understand why they did what they did. He or she might be able to give you a rationalization, something that sounds right to the two of you, but in actuality that wasn't the motivator at all. The action resulted from an underlying feeling and the thought processes came later. It's like burning yourself on a stove: your hand reacts and pulls away before the thought "I've burned my hand!
Knowing why they did what they did won't make you feel any better. Once you have an answer to that, you'll also have a "yes, but..." The feelings don't instantly fall into place and heal when a rational answer is presented.
Let's say Lost Love is married. After a couple years, he just disappears. Why would he do that? Well, because he is married. The answer was there from the beginning. Does that help? Of course not. He's gone, the grief is not -- in fact, the grieving is just getting started.
Thoughts and feelings don't always match up. Feelings are healed when new feelings take their place. That is, nothing can take away the pain except acceptance and a lot of time to heal.
That healing, eureka moment in films is fiction. In real life, the right answer comes... and then the work begins.
