The reason some people can't get over their first love? They were sexually intimate with them. The two become one. Imagine two slices of bread. You put peanut butter on one and jelly on the other. You jam them together. Then you pull them apart. What happens? You get PB on the jelly side and jelly on the PB side. There are a lot of adults walking around with PB on their jelly.

Hi Anonymous,

Your thoughts about sex seem logical, but the research doesn't support it.

Only half of my adult participants who tried reunions with first loves had been sexually active years ago; the other half had not. Yet all of these people wanted to reunite with their long-lost loves and tried it.

Remember that I am looking at men and women ages 18 to 95. Their initial romances were often many years ago, and sex was not normative when they were in their teens: the teens' morality of the times was against it, the risk of pregnancy and stigma was high until the pill became available in the late 1960's, and there was no legal abortion.

Also keep in mind that this is an international study, and most of the other cultures represented in my survey still do not have normative sexual activity for teens.

And when I compared those who had been sexually active years ago to those who had not been, I found that a successful reunion had nothing to do with sex. There was no difference in successful reunions between those who had sex years ago and those who did not.

What they all had in common was that the initial romance ended because of a situational circumstance, like parents broke them apart, family moved away, left for the Army, etc. So they wondered "what might have been."

I don't agree with the first anonymous for many reasons. Firstly, many people could have sex with others without ever have loving them. Secondly, you don't need to have had sex with anybody for them to be your first love.

I liked your article a lot though, Dr Nancy Kalish. Thanks for writing about this.

I am Aimie a normal, typical 15 year old girl. I can agree what has been written here. I remember my first love and when it ended I was all over the place, this only took place last year. My parents agreed with it and beleived me, when I said 'I loved him' and I still do ten months on after the relationship has ended. I still see him every weekend and it gets harder everytime. And I am not ashamed to say I was suicidal for quite a while. I spent three months solid crying myself to sleep every night. And I struggled with many things. And if you were to ask me if I would go back to my first love? I would say yes I would within a heart beat.

Very true, indeed!

I think teenager love is beautiful. It's a very pure feeling.

Firstly, because when we re teenagers, we do not feel the pressure to choose someone as our husband/wife. We don't have to care whether he/she would earn a lot of money to support our family. We don't care if he/she has a stable job. We don't care if he/she comes from a good family. We love someone just because we love that person. We base on our natural feeling, natural & innocent judgment of our own.

Secondly, the fact that most first loves do not involve sex makes it very special. It's like a beautiful but unfinished love story. That's why many people still long to reunite with their first love. We all sense that we still have to make our story complete somehow.

Very nice post, Dr. Kalish - I too have never felt anything like my first love (at age 16), though I have no desire to reconnect with her.

I also apppreciate Trang's first note in the comment above - at that age, love is "just" love, with far less real-world complications.

In response to Dr. Kalish's question regarding when teens say they love their parents yet wonder if teens can really love their peers I would suggest that we are talking about a very different kind of love. Feeling affectionate gratitude towards one's caretakers (parents) is very different that having the self-possesion required to offer oneself as a self-gift to a beloved. Kids may 'love' their folks, but they don't freely choose them. Choosing a life partner is a different story. great topic.

I recently visited with my first love. We are both married. We have seen each other a handful of times in the 25 years we have lived states apart but it has always been at someone's wedding or at a reunion or a funeral or some sort of event with things going on. Recently, I was traveling on business alone in his city. I knew for months I was going to be there but I was a wreck about seeing him. I didn't email him until days before my visit. Now mind you, I am happily married and madly in love with my husband. It's just that all those first love feelings are still so intense. Mark and I dated off and on throughout high school. I was very close with his family and sexually, he and I crossed a lot of 'first time' lines with each other. I still get butterflies around him but I thought it was just me. His response to my email was mind blowing. As we chatted and talked on the phone, it was obvious that he was excited to see me. It also became obvious that he was flirting with me. I was so floored. Our email flirting got out of hand and plans were made to meet at my hotel. I phoned a gal pal back home while waiting for him to arrive. She talked some sense into me and by the time Mark arrived, I laid ground rules. We did enjoy a wonderful visit (over 4 hours) but managed to stay out of the sexual arena. Of course, the emails started flying moments after we parted about shoulda/coulda/woulda. I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

I read your response to my post that was meant to follow up on yours. Thank you for all your clarifications. I appreciate the time you took to write it, and it seems like you are doing okay.

I deleted it because there was too much detailed personal, and potentially problematic, information to leave on this open Comments forum. Anyone could drop by and read it. Consequently, I deleted my follow up post, too.

To everyone:
You are welcome to send me personal and confidential email if your information is for me and not for general posting on Sticky Bonds at psychologytoday.com.

cheers.

What should we do then. I am 25, haven't been with my first love for 5 years. I'm now in a happy relationship but as with the others, just can't stop wondering... How do we move on when just hearing his name or seeing a car like his raises your pulse and almost puts u in tears just at the thought of loss... Arghhhhhhhh. If youre that passionate about that person and apparently aren't going to get over it, does it mean we should be with them?

Hi Anonymous July 17,

Without talking with you, I can't even be certain you have a true lost love. I have found during my years of working on this topic that there are many people who are obsessed with their lost loves, but the initial romances do not indicate a true lost love experience. Sometimes people have experiences that they never made sense of, and then they wonder about it for years. They think it is about a lost love, but it is really about understanding what went wrong in the past, and they do not belong with their lost loves. A phone consultation helps them understand what they are dealing with and how they can manage it.

If your first love is not married, it would be worthwhile for you to close the door on that relationship by trying to renew it. It is better for your current partner that you work through this now, before you marry. Right now, you are not solely his and he doesn't know that.

Take a look at my website articles to learn more.

I am 16 and need help.! I was dating this guy named Kairo for several years and we were engaged but he lives in a different state.! He had to move away for his aunt was goin through chemo therapy. So we had plans to see each other during major school holidays such as winter break, spring break and summer vacation.!! One night I was at a friends house and we were having a little get together we all ended up drinking and smoking.!! I know thats not an excuse for having sex with someone else.!! I felt really bad in the morning and I really hate keeping things from Kairo so I informed him on what happened and now we are not together we have been broken up for 2 months now and I cant stop thinkin about him.!! He was the guy I gave my Virginity to and I have ruined everything.! I am still goin out there for winter break to see him and his family because his whole family loves me.! We have plans to talk about what happened and we may get back together but at the moment he is dating a girl that he says is always depressed.!! Even though he is with this girl he still text me saying he still loves me, wants to see me, and he misses me.! While I am out there for winter break I will also be there on his birthday and I had plans for his birthday ;) but now we are not together.!!

What should i do.?

Plz Help,
Stuck on Love

"Hi, I am_________ Do you remember me?" This is what my First Love said when he showed up unexpectedly at my father's funeral, three years ago, after not seen each other for 21 years. We talked for 10 mins and he departed. We live oceans apart. So, my BFF provided him with my contact info, which he gladly picked up. FL also contacted our best common friend to let him know the news about my father and talk about me (our common friend emailed me). I never heard about FL again. I'm 51. We met when I was 21 and he was 20. There was a child, an abortion, a break=up, a reconciliation, and a final break-up. (Our famlies never knew; only us).It was very painful. I think he suffered the most after I've moved on 18 mos. later. I assume this, because 2 wks before my wedding, he showed up at my door to question me -he needed to hear it from me that indeed I was getting married. He looked desperate! I then understood that he was hopeful but perhaps afraid to approach me due to his past behavior. It was too late anyway. I was numbed and not interested and in love with my future husband. At least, that's what I've told myself then to be able to go on. Last time FL and I went out together, I knew it was over in the way he said good-bye to me that night. And I was right. (I never initiated contact while we were together; he always looked for me.) So I left it at that. I never saw him again until 2 wks before my wedding. So, here I am, 24 yrs later, and 3 years after our last face contact: There is less pain now, but sometimes the intensity returns.I can only remember the beginning and the end of our last fateful date. I wish I could recall what really happened that night, so I could find closure and peace. But when I try, the pain does not allow me to. Why cannot I remember? Why? We are both married. I am not interested though I still love him. But I am also soooooooo mad at him for interrupting my life; for showing up at such a vulnerable moment in my life (My father's funeral!), for his lack of consideration towards me. For doing again exactly what he did 24 years ago, showing up to interrupt my peace and then saying nothing, leaving all the 100 thousand questions unanswered; for both of us, just dissapearing. I HATE HIM for that, and I never, ever wish to see him again, EVER. I just want to go on with my family life in peace. What can I do?

I can understand why you are so distraught about your lost love attending the funeral. Yes, it was a vulnerable time for you and you had so many unresolved, buried feelings. But I truly doubt that he had bad intentions. He knew your father. He will always feel close to you and your family.

I have heard from a number of people who reconnected at the funeral of their parents (or spouses!). The lost love went to be supportive, not for any selfish reason, and these people did in fact reunite. One was married (attending a friend's funeral), but the others were divorced or widowed and stayed with their lost loves after that.

My own father died 4 years ago. It's the worst thing I have ever gone through. My old friends showed up for the funeral in our hometown and I derived tremendous comfort from their presence. Everyone is different in how they grieve. It's possible he didn't know he would be unwanted or that it would hurt you.

You won't be able to live "in peace" until you resolve these feelings. You don't need him to do that. To let the anger and sadness fester, trying to bury them forever, will not work.

I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. These unresolved lost love issues are incomprehensible to people who have never experienced it themselves, so it is hard to find support. I understand.