I liked this post. And frankly I'd have liked it just a bit more if you'd concede that men frequently fall in love with each other: not just "bromances," but deep, passionate, life-long love affairs. If you want to write about straight guys and their emotions with women, that's great; but do also acknowledge that large numbers of men are gay and that being gay isn't just about getting one's rocks off with another guy: it's frequently about falling in love with him, too.

If we could acknowledge that as a culture, then questions like yours would ... kind of answer themselves.

You are absolutely right, and I was negligent in not including this. In the classes I teach, an omission like that would never happen.

The reason I didn't think to include it when I wrote my article is because there were so few acknowledged gays and lesbians in the survey (which was purposely orientation neutral), despite my ads to request participation in gay newspapers, Metropolitan Church, bars, and coffee houses. My student research assistant was a lesbian and tried her best.

But the love stories of gay (and one transgender) men that I did collect were no different from any other love stories in terms of profile or emotion: they dated years ago, separated for situational reasons, and when they got back together, the reunions were wonderful. If anything, they seemed more romantic than many of the straight men.

I have only lived in cities with lots of diversity and liberal social attitudes. It didn't occur to me that in this day and age, people would still equate gay with only sex. It seems to me that the importance of marriage equality should give people a clue that it's about loving relationships, no?

Women put way too much emphasis on the "Moonight and Roses" kind of romance. When men do little things for us - moving the shelf we keep bumping our head on in the basement, building a shelf we always wanted in the laundry room, etc. That IS romance! Most of the time my hubby will do something and not tell me. I see it and think wow he really wants me to be happy. And although he acts like he doesn't, it makes him very happy and pround when I gush about it. Just like it makes me happy when he gushes about my burnt dinner.

this is wonderful stuff, top notch. but you leave me wanting more! did you ask for reasons why men still aren't over their lost love? was their 'lost love' more attractive than their current/most recent partner? i'm interested in analyzing it with a much more boring, logical perspective.

part of it is because, as you stated, we as men must deal with the heartbreak largely by ourselves with little support from friends, let alone our father. but i think there's something deeper...since men largely get social 'value' from their social status, while women largely get social value from their beauty/appearance, the post-breakup experience is different for each sex. girls might have a boy or two that's just WAITING to scoop her up after the break-up, while few girls want to do the same for the guy. the guy's social value after he gets dumped will probably be lower than before, his friends might not envy him anymore for having the hot girl, his confidence might be lower, and he will always remember what it was like for that awesome, beautiful girl to love him. also, even if it was 20 years earlier, the girl's awesome personality is still there and she is probably still beautiful, making him still want to be with her. but from the girl's perspective, she's very interested in what the man is currently doing with his life, where he works, where he lives, etc that drives her attraction. so her attraction is much more variable and circumstantial, ultimately making it easier for a MAN to 'hold on forever'. just some thoughts.

Have you published the statistical results of your study? I would love to read more about how men respond to ended relationships, ie. Is there a rough 'average' time it takes us to recover or is there lots of variance in the data? If there is, what is the average recovery time? How does this compare to women?

I would also love to know more. As someone who has recently contacted her lost love and reconnected with him I really didn't expect him to remember me. I was shocked to see that not only did he remember me, but he remembered many details about me that close friends sometimes forget and that he would still think about me, ten years later, when in a place or situation that was somehow connected to me.To me, this is extremely touching, it shows how much he takes to heart the smallest details about me. Where it will go we have yet to see...but I would love to know more about the male perspective on all this.

Jerome and jqd,

My book, Lost & Found Lovers, contains all the stats from the initial survey population, 1001. The second survey, in 2004-5, with new participants, confirmed that the lost loves still have the same profile for the initial romances: average age when they met, years they dated, why they separate etc.

There is a couple that married on her 95th birthday, 75 years apart. People do not forget one another!

My second book, an ebook called The Lost Love Chronicles, is a collection of lost love stories. The stories also show patterns, they show how the reunions have changed with the Internet, and I think they clearly show whatever gender differences there are through the men's and women's accounts.

There are also some psychology conference presentations under Reports.

And, if you wanted to interact with other people who had this experience, there are Member Forums.
Thank you for your interest in my research.

Great post. I agree with "r", women usually have a guy or two waiting for them to break up with their boyfriend. Most guys play dirty; what I mean is that most guys try to sabotage the relationship a girl has with her boyfriend. It could be an ex-boyfriend or someone from her job. Guys do use the friendship route to get into bed with a girl at the same time potentially ruining the relationship she has with her boyfriend. We all get vulnerable sometimes and let our impulses get the best of us. But I've seen a lot of great relationships end because someone was being misguided or given bad information, all to just get in bed with that person. We need to learn how to choose our friends wisely and whom we choose to speak about our relationships to. Girls can't speak to their ex boyfriend or a guy at work about their current boyfriend, because all their going to do is put bad thoughts in her head about her boyfriend and good thoughts about themselves, all to sabotage her relationship.
When it comes to a lost love, in some cases the break up was for a good reason (he or she were horrible boyfriends or girlfriends). In some cases the break up was because of a long distance situation or he/she were not mature enough to realize they had a good thing.
When we look for our lost love, we have to be very careful about contacting them. Our lost love could be happily married with kids, that’s when we should stay away. But if our lost love is single, then of course try to contact her/him.

You know many times in my life. I have thought that aether a lot of men don't always express such emotions verbally to their peers, or they just don't feel these ways at all. I myself am male, and feel that expression is very important. Emotional bounds are things that attach us, and love is that emotion with the ultimate pleasure principal.
Is it not love
that has bound human romanticist together?
Is it not the soft sweet things whispered,
spoken
Shouted!
That lures young awaiting souls.
So when was the passion seized?
and the bitterness start to grow?
Is it so gone
bewildered
shriveled
striving for air
or are you clinging-certainly
to the feverish devotion
you both share?

I have seen manipulative men and women, romantic men and women, cheating men and women, you name it. There's no way to claim that men are mostly one way and women mostly another way. That boxes people into strict and unrealistic gender roles. I think these ways of behaving are a combination of general personality along with upbringing in the family.

My article wasn't suggesting that women are not romantic; I just suggested that men are romantic, too, yet are not given credit for that.

When we put people in gender boxes, we deny people half of their emotional potential. Men and women are both romantic and intuitive and jealous and competent... and on and on the list goes. We are all humans.

I agree with you Dr. Kalish; on personality and along with the upbringing in the family. If only we can do back round checks on the people we think about dating, like how we do when hiring someone for a job. We?re not going to hire someone that has a bad past when it comes to employment. Same as for dating, we?re not going to try to have a relationship with someone that has a history of cheating and betrayal or a destructive personality. I understand some people change for the better sometimes, but that?s a chance or risk you would have to take on that person. Which is probably why some women like that ?bad boy? character, they think he?s going to change for them for the better.