In my work I deal with a particularly stressed-out population--women with stepchildren. A large body of psychological and sociological literature demonstrates that factors such as social stigma; stepchildren and adult stepchildren in loyalty binds who behave in rejecting and hostile ways; spouses who are ineffective, guilty and/or permissive parents and fail to establish appropriate rules for the household, including civil treatment of stepmom; and ex-wives who exacerbate their child/ren's loyalty binds through implicit or explicit hostility toward and criticism of the children or adult children's stepmother, all condition women with stepchildren for exhaustion, anxiety, and clinical depression.
That's why, whenever I speak to a woman partnered with or married to a man with kids of any age from a previous marriage or relationship, one of the first questions I ask is, "How often do you see or speak with friends?"
The answer is often, "Not very often." And that's not very good.
Social support is crucial to our mental health, as a recent Brigham Young University study by lead author Laura Padilla-Walker demonstrates once again. Deborah Tannen noted in the Science Times that "the study found that adolescents who have a sister are less likely to report such feelings as ‘I am unhappy, sad or depressed' and ‘I feel like no one loves me.'"
Summarizing additional studies--including the one by U.K. psychologists Liz Wright and Tony Cassidy that found young people who had grown up with at least one sister tended to be more upbeat and happier, and to do better psychologically if their parents divorced--Tannen suggests that even though men and women may come at expressing support in different ways, having a sibling of either sex can be highly adaptive as we grow up and face life's unfolding challenges.
Consistent with the thesis she put forward in "You Just Don't Understand" and "You Were Always Mom's Favorite: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives," Tannen suggests that while men and women talk differently, it's the fact of talk--and the built-in social support a sibling can confer--that matters.
While men might talk to one another about weather, sports or cars, and women might exchange information about equally baffling (to men) and "unimportant" topics like a sale, a recipe, or a colleague at work, such "pointless conversation," Tannen found in her extensive interviews of women and men, can be as comforting to women as "troubles talk" in which problems are tackled head on.
The long and short of it is that talk, even when it's "just chit chat," is strong medicine. Indeed, a growing body of research makes a compelling case that the mere act of face-to-face, engaged speaking to another person can improve mood, lower cortisol levels, and even improve immune function.
I often urge women dealing with the stresses of partnership with stepchildren to find a good girlfriend who will simply listen to her "troubles talk" and speak to her without judging. But this new research suggests that coffee and talk with her brother, or a male friend--even if it doesn't touch on her dilemma directly--can also make a world of difference.
Further Reading
Bringham Young University study summary, http://news.byu.edu/archive10-aug-siblings.aspx
Martin, Wednesday, "Social Support is Your Secret Weapon," http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/social-support-thats-...
Tannen, Deborah, "You Were Always Mom's Favorite! Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives," Random House, 2009.
