Stepmonster

A great article that offers an in-depth relatable analysis of the negative patterns we are all vulnerable to getting ourselves in. People are often surprised when a successful business woman is paired up with an abusive partner. It happens more than we may want to admit. That is a more dramatic example, but all of us would do well to examine all the relationships in our lives and if there is even the most subtle hint of self-flagellation going on. As a former Catholic, this is a constant endeavor!

I think you have to be careful here to avoid blaming the victim. There are a lot of unethical, abusive people in the world, and the fact that you end up being victimized by them doesn't mean you have some sick attraction to it.

In both the stories in this article, the victim *didn't know* that the predator/perpetrator was out to harm her. I would say that if you don't know that you are being lied to, etc, you are not unconsciously courting victimization.

Where it becomes sick is if the perpetrator has *repeatedly* engaged in obviously abusive behaviors, and the victim still hangs around for more of the same.

These kinds of apparently sophisticated psychological explanations (which may have some validity in some situations) enable us to avoid looking at an even harder truth: that in our society today, a lot of very unethical, predatory, narcissistic people are loose, doing a lot of harm, and feeling almost no remorse about it. There's an epidemic of character disorder out there. Narcissism abounds. The pursuit of wealth, power, and status have eclipsed what used to be a more sane desire to be a "good person" with a reputation for honesty and integrity and friendliness in one's community.

When you hear the sound of hooves, think horses, not zebras: bad behavior usually means a bad actor, not a person who weirdly loves torture. Let's put the responsibility where it belongs.

I've often wondered if my father's being emotionally unavailable my whole life is why I endure it from my husband. I've made excuses for both -- this is how they were raised, they were still providing for their families -- and suffered the negativity on the inside because that's how they both wanted it; they didn't want to have to deal with my emotions.

Great article; great information. Thank you for opening my eyes a little more on this.

I'm one of those who truly believe that your life is your choice. But that we can break out of old patterns of negative behavior - behavior we're not even aware we have because we've been programmed from early on by well meaning parents, teachers and other adults.

Ever read Dr. Shad Helmstetter's "What to say when you talk to yourself?" (GREAT book, I highly recommend it)

For many years I was in a toxic marriage - as much as I would love to still point my finger and blame my ex for all that went wrong, his cheatin' ways, his lack of integrity, etc., I had to OWN my part in our failed marriage. Owning it freed me to finally fix me.

Just like my breast cancer - I claimed ownership of it. And once I did that, there was no more pity party or feeling "this is so sucky." Taking ownership and complete responsibility for my life freed me to make the changes I needed to make to create a happy, healthy life.

I'm pretty sure the first principle of success that Jack Canfield preaches is what his mentor, Clement Stone, told him, "Are you willing to take 100% responsibility for your life?"

For me, that's made all the difference.

No more sadomaschistic reenactments for me...just me in my happy bubble taking life on one fabulous day at a time.

Peggy

I think one of the challenges for people who are re enacting is because they feel unlovable at the core, they think they deserve the negative behavior and they don't know what they should/could expect from others. The negative behavior and treatment and outcomes is "normal" for them/us. It is one thing to draw the link from childhood to present day but another to identify the negative behavior in their own lives and be a cause for change. I know for me, it took a long time to realize I deserved better treatment and when I got to that point, my life turned around dramatically for the better. I look forward to the next article.