Stepmonster

Not sure what the difference is between a friend and an ally. If you're a kid's ally, do you have to support them no matter what they do?

I think the word "ally" connotes a closer relationship than just "friend."

I never tried to be a parent to my stepchildren, just a friend. Some of them were fine with that, and some weren't. That's ok as long as we're all courteous to each other.

the distinction, I think, is that "friend" implies a reciprocal relationship in most cases, and in most cases that does hold in stepchild/stepmother relations, at least not until the child is an adult. and sometimes not even then.

"friend" also implies peer and to me the idea of being a "peer" to a stepchild is one that could be disastrous for a woman with stepkids. she need to remember that she's the adult with authority--it's so hard to remember that sometimes!

so in a way it's a very real difference, but I do see what you mean. ultimately, these are models for being in a helpful, supportive relationship without being parental. some experts and experiences stepmothers recommend thinking of oneself as an aunt-like figure. there, supportive, not quite parental.
thanks for commenting, and I'll pass along to mary.
-wednesday

Elizabeth, I was about to comment and then read Wednesday's reply to you which I wholeheartedly agree with.

I believe it's important to have boundaries between our children and ourselves. The implication of a "friendship" is that it is mutual, a back and forth of confidences exchanged. I would never impose my struggles on my husband's daughter. What I mean by ally is that I truly want her to be happy and have a good and fulfilling life. I use it in a broad sense because I do not make any of the decisions her parents do. Whether or not I believe they are "mistakes" really does not matter. Time will tell. I made plenty of mistakes in the decisions I made with my children. My husband has been my ally to help me with them, right or wrong.

I fell into a different family dynamic - not the norm by any standards, but normal is relative. Whether I do or don't do (and by nature, I'm a doer), the one thing I realized is that mom will always hold the trump card. No matter if I'm engaged as a friend, an ally, a parent (or the crazy dog lady) I have learned to do what I'm comfortable doing knowing the mom has the ace of spades in her hands at all times.

I'm a mom,too and my girls have a step mom. I also hold the ace of spades.

Great article Mary!

I have a different relationship with my stepdaughter than any other stepparent I have ever known. When we first met (she was 8), I decided that what I wanted to do was to get to know her as a person, everything else aside. As I did, she became interested in me as a person. As a result, we are very close; she does take my advice to heart, seeks my approval and opinions, and she is very dear to me -- because we came to care for one another as unique individuals first, we became family ultimately. Is this what you mean by being an "Ally"?

Peggy, You are so right about normal being relative, especially when it comes to stepfamilies! I love your attitude...to be yourself and know and respect that the mother of your stepchildren is the Mother. Just as you are the Mother with your own. It makes everything a whole lot simpler and quite frankly, your husband has much less of a chance of feeling thrown in the middle. Thanks for the comment!

RTP: You are describing a beautiful picture of being an ally! If we could all just realize the power that is inherent when we are willing to "see" another human being. It's powerful and it's hard to resist. I had the exact same intention, but it has't worked out for me in the same way. But the intention is always there. And you got close to your stepdaughter the right way...forget the role, the need to control...just be interested in them. A wonderful tip for all parents. Thank you!

Hey Mary,
Awesome article, as usual. I love the idea of the ally. I have tried to be that to my stepson in the same way I've been an ally to my clients over the years. Everyone needs someone who "sees" him or her, as you say. And, when that person helps us access the strategies we have within us that can then gain us what we want, we have an ally. For example, my youngest stepson used to have regular meltdowns and the rest of the family would run around upset and wondering what to do. Lots of emotion. Over time, I would ask questions, express an interest in his feelings, model for him what he might say or do to get his needs met, and over time . . . he is not melting down. He is one of the best "expressers" of his emotions in the family. It's amazing. I didn't do it to get him to like me, I didn't do it to get the kudos. I saw this kid with all this big stuff going on, lots of confusion, and I extended a hand. Naturally, he trusts me to understand him and even when we don't agree now, he knows I'll always give him the respect for his feelings and concerns.

Who was it that said that our deepest need as humans is to be seen???

Also, might add, this being an ally is not possible unless a kid LETS you be the ally. My two older s-kids do not want me to do anything of the sort. There, in those relationships, I think of myself like a cat. I am there and I take up space and lately I am more vocal when I am being pushed out of my space, but our mutual trust is growing slower and that's okay, Once I decided to let it be slow, all our lives have been much more comfortable.

Again, Mary . . . Wednesday, you two are amazing. Thank you for the work you do.

Kim, thanks for such a great comment and being willing to share your story. I loved your experience with your stepson. I see that you are a very wise person with a loving heart and you extended it to your stepson. I don't know who said that our deepest need as humans is to be seen, but I've seen this over and over again with the couples I work with. A major theme is the need to be heard and not judged, criticized or over-analyzed.

Maybe it's semantics, but I do feel you can be an ally of sorts, even to someone who wants nothing to do with you. It's more of a mental state than a relationship one. Or to be an ally to our husbands in regards to their relationship with their children.

I loved this, "Once I decided to let it be slow, all our lives have been much more comfortable". So often, it is our expectations that cause us suffering. You letting go of that expectation made it first of all, easier for you and then ultimately everyone else. Whether or not your stepchildren realize this, and the sad fact is that they may never, you can live comfortably in your own skin knowing that you are doing the best you can. You have my admiration and respect.

my name is clare, i am a 28 year old female from the uk.
i totally disagree with the artical, like anything, there is no set way of being a step parent, every situation differs.
i am a stepmum and have been for 8 years (i have been a stepson since my stepson was 18months).
my stepson and i have the best relationship, he is my world and me, his dad and his mum are his whole world too.
me, his mum and dad have worked very hard to make sure we make this situation work for the sake of my stepson, he is what is important and he loves us all.
the way i did it was to make sure me and his mum have a good relationship, which wasn't easy at first believe me, but my stepson is worth the effort. now we are all so close, we holiday together and go round to each others house all the time and this makes it so much easier on anthony, he never feels like he is on either one of our sides or that he is betraying either of us, ever.
he is happy and contented.
we all play a part in his life and it makes us all so proud of what we have achieved over the years, making sure our son is our priority.
i was from a broken home when i was a child and i hated every second, my mum and real dad made everything feel awkward, i always felt like i was betraying them by even talking about my step parents. i knew when i met my husband that i would never make my stepson feel like that, his mum was from a simular situation as me and she had decided the same.
one thing that i totally disagree with in the article is "Also remember, the choice is ultimately YOURS. An invitation is just that--and it can be respectfully declined." WOW!!! if a step child exposes their feelings to you and asks about the situation and if you are their parent, then yes of course tread lightly, but to decline feels so wrong to me, that child is putting their feelings out there for you and you just shoot them down! they would need reminding that they have parents who love them and you are an extra parent their for them in the exact same way, it is also something you should discuss with your partner and their ex. when you marry someone who has a child then you should except the child, if you can't then you don't start a relationship, end of. the feelings of a child come first.

Clare,

It's a shame your parents put you in an intolerable situation when you were a younger step/child. But that is not a platform from which to build a stepparenting platform for others. Or to judge them. Your version of stepparenting works for you but would backfire in the face of most others who tried it, for reasons I discuss at length in my book and that Mary Kelly-Williams, who posted the piece, has learned from many years of clinical and personal experience and research.

A stepchild's feelings certainly come first for her, and perhaps her parents. But to suggest that a stepparent is only doing "right" when she self-abnegates and prioritizes her stepchild's needs above her own is unsound and untrue. As to the notion that a stepparent ought to be, strive to be, or suggest she is "an extra parent" there for a stepchild to love "in the exact same way"--again, most experts and stepparents who have learned would agree that such expectations and standards are a perfect formula to create a terrible loyalty bind for a child.

There is no set way to stepparent, indeed. But there are strategies that work for most stepparents, and strategies that backfire for most stepparents. Clearly your personal experience has been very formative for you. Thanks for sharing.
-Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
www.wednesdaymartin.com

First, thank you for writing this column - there is so little support out there for those of us in blended families and I am grateful for your attention to this issue.

Two years ago I brought 2 children (boy now age 9 and girl now at 12) together with a partner with 3 children (boy now age 8, girl now age 12, and girl now age 18). His 18 year old's mother died when she was 8 and she lived with he and the mother of his other 2 children until they split a few years ago. The relationship between the stepmother and 18 year old was quite volatile. Not living together, however, provided the space they needed to heal and they are quite close now. Other than the 18 year old, who lives with us full time, all other kids are with us part time.

Here is my current struggle: My partner and I came into the relationship with a pretty high degree of consciousness about the realities of blending families and each possess a number of useful tools for dealing with stress (meditation, exercise, taking space, and using Byron Katie's The Work to question emergent assumptions and beliefs that interfere with our ability to be present). We came into the family (what everyone agreed to call a "clan") seeking to be allies, not parents, to our stepchildren and committed to honoring the process everyone was going through - as a result of this situation and as part of development. I think overall, that our family functions quite well - the kids, at least the 4 youngest, are pretty well integrated and cohesive. Here is where I struggle and could use advice:

1) Because my partner and I have different parenting strategies (his kids perceive him to be more of a disciplinarian than I am with my kids) his kids resent it when they percieve that my kids are treated more leniently for infractions. They feel free to rail at him about my lenient parenting - even if they had nothing to do with whatever happened. The 18 year old, who just carries a lot of volatile anger in general, also gets on the phone with friends and adults she leans on and tells them all about whatever happened and her feelings about it - even if it did not concern her at all. It is pretty impossible to not overhear her. When she next comes in and asks sweetly whether she can use something of mine or whether I can take her somewhere, I struggle with my resentment (it feels a little like having a girlfriend prone to “backstabbing.” I avoided these girls in H/S… sigh.). When I give her a curt answer, she explodes later at her dad and others once again about how unsupportive I am. This dynamic is making me crazy. She will, fortunately, be gone in a few months when she heads off to college, but I'd really like to build a trusting and loving relationship at some point and not be one of those stepmoms waiting for the teen to leave. We have talked (she and I and all of us) and continue to talk, but the pattern is deep and not likely to end soon since we are all real people with real life hurts and patterns. I can take getting emotionally triggered much better from my own kids, but really struggle with finding the underlying love and trust to lean on in times of stress with my step-kids. In these times my partner and I tend to go to "is being all together workable?" - a question that tends to make everything feel unsafe. Although this has really prompted us to do some really important and needed deep diving inside about our commitment to this relationship, I do wonder how much interfamily stress we can tolerate and how to deal with these family fissures. Advice?

2) How long, on average, does it take to build trust and love between step-parent and stepchildren and between all blended family members? How common is it for step-parents to come to feel loving and close with their step-children? In instances where this does not really happen, is the relationship between spouses likely to endure? So, in other words, how dependent is a healthy parental partnership on a positive and loving relationship between step kids and stepparents?

3) I see that many of my issues come from my own resistance to a feeling that I will lose my family into another larger family with children with whom I have only a fledgling connection. This is my work, I know, but I have a hard time doing all the good stepmom things you advise when I am aware of my deeper emotional struggle. No mental advice I give myself trumps this fear. I am working on being gentle with myself here, but find myself resist even reasonable requests by my partner to do things altogether (like having a "clan night" where all kids are expected to be there so we can do something fun as a group. I am okay with this if it emerges naturally but struggle with the idea of planning it since I want to stay open to how I am feeling about being with everyone. I am also hesitant to tell my kids that they have to participate since I am wary of causing resentment; my partner has no trouble telling his kids they have to be there...). Are there typical trajectories in "acceptance stages" for stepparents? I assume such resistance is normal (I do not feel it all the time - just when feeling vulnerable or triggered which, with 7 people, 3 of whom are teenage girls, emerges more often than I would like), but do not have any understanding of how it gives way to greater cohesiveness and safety. Advice?

Sorry for the length of this - this is far more than I intended to write. Whatever you have to offer would be most appreciated - however cryptic.

Thanks,

J

First, thank you for writing this column - there is so little support out there for those of us in blended families and I am grateful for your attention to this issue.

Two years ago I brought 2 children (boy now age 9 and girl now at 12) together with a partner with 3 children (boy now age 8, girl now age 12, and girl now age 18). His 18 year old's mother died when she was 8 and she lived with he and the mother of his other 2 children until they split a few years ago. The relationship between the stepmother and 18 year old was quite volatile. Not living together, however, provided the space they needed to heal and they are quite close now. Other than the 18 year old, who lives with us full time, all other kids are with us part time.

Here is my current struggle: My partner and I came into the relationship with a pretty high degree of consciousness about the realities of blending families and each possess a number of useful tools for dealing with stress (meditation, exercise, taking space, and using Byron Katie's The Work to question emergent assumptions and beliefs that interfere with our ability to be present). We came into the family (what everyone agreed to call a "clan") seeking to be allies, not parents, to our stepchildren and committed to honoring the process everyone was going through - as a result of this situation and as part of development. I think overall, that our family functions quite well - the kids, at least the 4 youngest, are pretty well integrated and cohesive. Here is where I struggle and could use advice:

1) Because my partner and I have different parenting strategies (his kids perceive him to be more of a disciplinarian than I am with my kids) his kids resent it when they percieve that my kids are treated more leniently for infractions. They feel free to rail at him about my lenient parenting - even if they had nothing to do with whatever happened. The 18 year old, who just carries a lot of volatile anger in general, also gets on the phone with friends and adults she leans on and tells them all about whatever happened and her feelings about it - even if it did not concern her at all. It is pretty impossible to not overhear her. When she next comes in and asks sweetly whether she can use something of mine or whether I can take her somewhere, I struggle with my resentment (it feels a little like having a girlfriend prone to “backstabbing.” I avoided these girls in H/S… sigh.). When I give her a curt answer, she explodes later at her dad and others once again about how unsupportive I am. This dynamic is making me crazy. She will, fortunately, be gone in a few months when she heads off to college, but I'd really like to build a trusting and loving relationship at some point and not be one of those stepmoms waiting for the teen to leave. We have talked (she and I and all of us) and continue to talk, but the pattern is deep and not likely to end soon since we are all real people with real life hurts and patterns. I can take getting emotionally triggered much better from my own kids, but really struggle with finding the underlying love and trust to lean on in times of stress with my step-kids. In these times my partner and I tend to go to "is being all together workable?" - a question that tends to make everything feel unsafe. Although this has really prompted us to do some really important and needed deep diving inside about our commitment to this relationship, I do wonder how much interfamily stress we can tolerate and how to deal with these family fissures. Advice?

2) How long, on average, does it take to build trust and love between step-parent and stepchildren and between all blended family members? How common is it for step-parents to come to feel loving and close with their step-children? In instances where this does not really happen, is the relationship between spouses likely to endure? So, in other words, how dependent is a healthy parental partnership on a positive and loving relationship between step kids and stepparents?

3) I see that many of my issues come from my own resistance to a feeling that I will lose my family into another larger family with children with whom I have only a fledgling connection. This is my work, I know, but I have a hard time doing all the good stepmom things you advise when I am aware of my deeper emotional struggle. No mental advice I give myself trumps this fear. I am working on being gentle with myself here, but find myself resist even reasonable requests by my partner to do things altogether (like having a "clan night" where all kids are expected to be there so we can do something fun as a group. I am okay with this if it emerges naturally but struggle with the idea of planning it since I want to stay open to how I am feeling about being with everyone. I am also hesitant to tell my kids that they have to participate since I am wary of causing resentment; my partner has no trouble telling his kids they have to be there...). Are there typical trajectories in "acceptance stages" for stepparents? I assume such resistance is normal (I do not feel it all the time - just when feeling vulnerable or triggered which, with 7 people, 3 of whom are teenage girls, emerges more often than I would like), but do not have any understanding of how it gives way to greater cohesiveness and safety. Advice?

Sorry for the length of this - this is far more than I intended to write. Whatever you have to offer would be most appreciated - however cryptic.

Thanks,

J

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I have children of my own, and when I'm the only parent here, I'm the parent to all of the kids in the house. I am not an aunt or a teacher, or a friend.
I understand the way my stepkids feel can change. For now, they don't seem to think twice about anything. Their mom has spent a lot of time terrorizing our family so perhaps it has something to do with them taking to me so much.

Anyway, my stepkids live with me, and their mom has some serious mental issues and is borderline abusive to them.

They learn from me how to groom themselves, eat more than fast food, help with laundry, do their homework, laugh and have fun, appreciate the important things in life, etc.

If their mother ever changed and they wanted me to step back, it would be an adjustment but since I've heard that can happen, I remind myself often that this stage in my life may just be temporary.

I married my husband to have a partner in life, not to be their mother. However, they've wanted me and have often preferred me to their mother. I would rather they prefer their mother and the times I see them bond with her makes me hopeful that one day they will have a good relationship with them and I can go back to being a mom to just my own children.