Stepmonster

"we might think of stepmothers as the 'stepchild' of the family system"

This line from the introduction blurb on your blog's front page resonated with me strongly. It describes exactly how I've felt without having the words to describe this feeling to myself or anyone else so clearly before.

Do you have a step-mother? The psychological literature is only part of the picture and may be very different for individual people. I was shut out of my father's life and my inheritance from my father and grandfahter (who never knew the adopted children with a different father) which amounted to millions of dollars was stolen from me. I think you should a lot more careful in your conclusions and generalizations!!!!

Jann, I beg to respectfully disagree with you on this one. I feel that you are the one that is making the broad conclusions and generalizations here. I sympathize for you in more ways that I care to share in a public forum. And I know that there are children, adult or otherwise, who have suffered financially this way. But I wonder where your anger towards your father is? He is the one that allowed the shutting out of you in his life. It may have been at the urging of the woman he chose to marry, but he is the one that had the major responsibility of setting boundaries with her. If she truly was the evil wicked stepmother that it sounds like she was, then shame on him for marrying someone like that.

I work with people who have had bad experiences with the people their parents have chosen to marry...greedy spouses, abusive spouses. Women who have allowed their husbands to abuse their own children. They are the ones that must deal with the consequences of their choices with their children.

I find that over and over again, the stepparent is blamed FIRST. And let's be honest here, and this is where Wednesday has solid research to back her up, the stepmother is the first one targeted.

I speak from experience as being a mother, stepmother, and family therapist.

Again, I am incredulous that your father allowed this, but it is far too common a story. Sadly, many men move on and focus more on their second families. This is where the real damage is incurred. Instead of demonizing stepmom, maybe the more appropriate response would be to ask your father (if he is still alive) what he was thinking and why he allowed anyone, especially his wife, to cut you out of his life.

It is instructive that even a trained psychologist who posted earlier still clings to the concept of a wicked stepmother ruining her live rather than considering her father's role in her grievance. Such is the power of the biological bond and the convenience of the image of the new mother as a destroyer of the family.

I have to agree with marytkelly. Biological parents must have the oneness placed on them to maintain their relationships with their children. My stepmother has told me time and time again that through the years, she was the one prompting my father to have a relationship with me. Telling me that if it weren't for her, he never would have even bothered. And that leaves me feeling that I wish she had never done it. That she had let him be seen by myself and others for the father he actually was, not the father he was 'forced' to be.

I can relate to Jann on some level. Not on the inheritance front (because I don't expect a penny anyway), but in that I am also currently estranged from my father. My stepmother has said it's because she finally has stopped doing anything to promote his having a relationship with me. My sister indicated that it's because he feels it would be a betrayal to my stepmother. Either way, *he* is the one I direct my anger at for not seeing me. Because he and I are the only two people who are really at fault for the state of our current relationship.

But the other side of the picture is that my father is an incredibly passive man and his wife is at the other end of the spectrum, a very assertive woman. And I could see her no longer promoting a relationship with me being seen by him as no longer having permission to have a relationship with me. Again, his fault, not hers. He should be a strong enough man to see that he needs nobody's permission to connect with his daughter.

Sorry to have commented off topic here, Wednesday! Your article was great as usual. :) If you weren't getting people talking from all sides, you would merely be preaching to the choir, right?

Excellent article and I agree with the outcome of your research. Being a stepmother myself, I understand the challenges with having a combined family. I, unfortunately, have had to deal with more than just a step-son, but also a psychotic ex-wife who consistently meddled in our personal affairs. At the beginning of our relationship and marriage, I spent more time arguing with my husband to get him to support my requests to keep our personal business between the two of us and not have his ex-wife in the middle. Also, I do see the problems with discipline, my husband wants me to handle his son, take on the role of the bad guy because he doesn't want to deal with his ex-wife yelling at him for disciplining his son. It is important for all children to follow household rules/boundaries. My siblings and I had them, my own son had to follow them, and his son needs to follow them as well. Don't you think he should be the one handling his son's behavior problems or at least have us handle them together?

Thanks so much.

Your writing really makes me feel that someone understands. As hard as it is has been adjusting to having my three stepboys in my life, it got a whole lot easier to conceptualise what was happening after I read your book.

Each of your articles leaves me feeling stronger, less wicked, better represented and spoken for and more able to put one foot in front of the other in this crazy, rejecting, fun and delightful pseudo family of mine.

Thanks for being a central part of my personal stepmothering sisterhood!

Again, another great article, Wednesday. Your writing really is a sanity saver. I have recently looked in on "step" discussion forums and am truly amazed at the strong similarities throughout - hostile, resentful children, psychotic ex-wives and fathers who discipline inadequately: EVERYTHING THAT I'VE EXPERIENCED!

We agree 100% - the most successful stepmoms educate themselves about the unique dynamics that exist within stepfamilies. They seek out support from others who understand the realities of being a stepmom. Knowledge is power.

but when I married my husband, I became the stepmother of my husband's two bio daughters and his former stepson, whom, until very recently, my husband loved and treated as if he were his biological son. I have only met my stepdaughters once. It was several years ago-- apparently, after that, their mother felt I was too much of a bad influence on them to allow more visitation in our home. My husband paid child support for all three kids even though the oldest child was not his legally. His ex wife went on to have more kids with her current husband.

In my husband's divorce decree, it states that all three kids are supposed to be paid child support until they are 22 years old. They are also supposed to get life insurance in the case of his death. This is despite the fact that the children refuse to speak to or see my husband, nor do they even consider him their father anymore. A few years ago, my husband's teenaged daughters demanded that he allow their current stepfather to adopt them, which my husband refused to do.

Despite my husband's repeated attempts to connect with his kids, they have continually rejected him. The kids are now either adults or nearing adulthood and they continue to maintain their hatred. My husband recently sent his 18 year old daughter a letter letting her know how she could continue to get child support. It was returned to him with the notation "moved, left no forwarding address". My husband's former stepson--now a young adult-- recently thanked my husband for his support by lying to him and trying to guilt him into giving him more money.

Meanwhile, over the past few years, we have worked very hard to correct the huge financial mess my husband was in after his divorce. And you better believe that unless things change dramatically, when we die, none of those kids will be seeing a penny of our estate.

I do feel badly for taking this attitude. I never wanted to be a wicked stepmother. Given the fact that I don't even know my husband's kids, I feel like I don't even count as their stepmother. However, even though those kids were alienated by their mother's actions, they are at an age at which they must take responsibility for their own actions. Relationships are a two way street. While they may blame me for keeping their father away from them, the reality is that they have always had the power to contact him themselves. I have never kept him from them. And they have repeatedly ignored his attempts to stay in contact. That is their responsibility, not mine. But I know I do make a convenient scapegoat.

I find it rather distasteful when people automatically expect inheritances from their parents anyway.

I agree with you that stepfamilies can end up being healthy settings for child and adult development and adjustment. And thank goodness there are coaches and therapists out there who really understand stepfamily dynamics and can help couples move forward so the kids can, too.

However, I wish we would stop using the term "blended family" and the metaphor of blending--that would take a lot of pressure off stepmothers, who feel obliged to act as "blending agents." I hope you'll have a look at my web site and my own blog (www.wednesdaymartin.com) and at the National Stepfamily Resource Center website--which urges therapists and the media to stop using the term "blended family." I'd love to know your thoughts!

Thanks for reading and commenting,
wednesday

There are no words to describe how deep this compulsion is to blame the "new" person in the "tribe" and to cast her out at the slightest transgression. I can make a passing remark in my home that comes nowhere near the things I've heard the bio mother say, and I'm evil and mean and I don't understand and I am not being cooperative. She can yell at them and treat them so disrespectfully, largely by using them as pawns to get back at her ex-husband, and she's the Mother of the Year.

Excuse me. I say we need to call BS just what it is . . . BS!!!

I was recently at a women's retreat and I met a woman I'd never met before. When I mentioned that I was struggling with the relationship I have with my stepchildren and that's why I was at the workshop, she pounced on it and said, "I have an Evil Stepmother, she was really awful." Gradually, I learned more of the story. Apparently, her mother died when she was very, very young and her father remarried. Her father never spoke of her mother. He never told her the story of how her mother died until she was in her 40s. And, her stepmother had recently been widowed and had a small child of her own. The entire family was grieving and the way it all worked out was that the stepmother was evil because she couldn't help this little girl/woman feel better. When I heard her story, I finally couldn't help myself. I lost my mother at 24 and I know exactly that feeling of not having her when you need her, at so very many stages of life. And, I said to her, "Oh, I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm pretty sure the deep issue you need to settle in your heart is that your mother DIED, she was gone. You lost your mother and there was no one to grieve with."

Whew, over and over the pain of the people in the first family who haven't processed their grief, all dumped on to the stepmother and the remarriage. I often feel like the sacrificial lamb. It wasn't until I came along that my stepkids began to really process that their parents weren't together. Isn't that a message to the "counseling" world . . . you need to get families into treatment as soon as divorce takes place.

I think Wednesday's work couldn't be more timely. There is a whole new generation of stepmothers out here who are professional women, mid-career, competent and loving . . . I would say, we are not out to take anything from a child. We are looking for a happy future.

MaryTKelly, I completely agree. The father is the one who has the responsibility for establishing how he will carry out his relationship with his children. But, let's don't forget how much influence the biological mother has, who clings to her children as though she will not be loved if she lets her child love someone else.

Really?????

"...but also a psychotic ex-wife who consistently meddled in our personal affairs."

Huh. I guess this well worn stereotype is still acceptable?

I can only speak for my own experience, but the step-mother in my life made it clear that she wished that we would just evaporate so that she could have dad for herself. She resented that he had a family before they met and never let us forget it. As for the quote, when you marry someone who is co-parenting and tied to a former spouse via children there are bound to be some grey areas concerning what are "personal affairs". Children resent step-parent meddling as well but it's part of the territory.

This is an excellent insight of what I consider to be a true side of the story - stepmother-wise. I agree with previous commenter who said that there are grey zones in these situations...but at the end of the day, young kids are rarely encouraged, especially if "the other parent" is single, to accept the new person, be it step-mom or step-dad. I've been a step-mom and it was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I could not balance in that mess. But I would say it's universal...goes both ways :). I've also witnessed awkward family situations where kids were unable to make connection with their stepfathers. So the stepmonster has no gender...
My bad...

Thank you for your article and your book. I am so glad that someone is doing your form of research on what it's like.

My father got custody after the divorce, and I saw my mother every other WE and holiday. Stepmother was emotionally bulying and would manipulate my father into punishing my blood-siblings. My step-siblings were treated better and they knew it, but that was how it was. Some step-parents are rotten, just as some people are rotten. Some steryotypes exist because one bad-apple, well you know the saying.

Like WorthTryingNot, I am about to leave my stepfamily because "I could not balance in that mess." Six years ago, I joined a widower with adult children, and a pre-teenage girl at home, and it has been funk and pain and muddle and exhaustion and disbelief ever since for me.

I am the ONLY one in the mix that has failed to thrive - naturally - because like most women, I put myself last ALWAYS, and endeavoured to make up to the child for her grief (and disabilities)and the awful deficiencies of a completely uninvolved father-ATM, and to the man for his grief.

In the beginning, I was so pleased to be NEEDED, chuffed to be the overwhelming influence to elevate this depressed D-F student with multiple minor disabilities to an A-B student with the very best hearing aids, clear skin, improved hygiene, fixed teeth, social and domestic skills, job skills and vastly improved reading comprehension. However, as time progressed, I realised I was just the family's workhorse, and MY needs were never to be acknowledged and catered to. (Two dates and NO gifts or holidays in six years, anyone?!)

Stepmothering IS a feminist issue because we (still) expect more of women as hands-on nurturers, homemakers, socialisers, and now also as providers.

It seems to me that all men - fathers and stepfathers - are considered well by their children as long as they "stay and pay", while the mother/stepmother has far higher expectations placed on her skinny shoulders, and normally she tries her best to realise them. Often to her own detriment and downfall. My mother used to say, in criticism of lazy people, "If you do nothing, you can't be blamed for anything," and I see her point, clear and sharp-focused.

In this packing up stage of my stepmotherhood, I wonder ahead whether or not I will be remembered for all my good contributions and my selflessness, or whether I will only be remembered for not continuing to "suck it up".

"She dared to whinge and complain," might be my epitaph.

I recommend pre-marriage counselling for all stepmothers-to-be. Forwarned is forearmed.

BTW, your wisdom has reached Australia, Wednesday, where we suffer from a dearth of information and rescue-help for stepmothers.

Re: stereotypes. There are great biological mother's who can work with great biological father's in the best interests of the children. There are great stepmothers who love and cherish their stepchildren and respect boundaries. There is the other side of the coin - the father/mother who don't seem to love their children more than they hate their ex, and there are stepmothers who unreasonably have a problem with their stepchildren. And everything in between these two extremes. I think intelligent people understand this. What most people don't understand is the plight of the stepmother, and the most widely spread stereotype is the evil stepmother, followed by the "deadbeat dad". This is in spite of the facts.

Onto the more personal side of the matter - I am a stepmother, and have had to accept that no matter what I do I will be considered to be the evil stepmother by my stepsons. I would have liked to have had a good relationship with them but they were put into a loyalty bind. They didn't have to be but they were. My only recourse was to detach. Behind the scenes I am an advocate for the boys, I look out for them, I care about them, but they will never know and I make my peace with that.

Perception isn't necessarily reality. Perhaps we all need to step outside ourselves and consider the possibility that our view may not be entirely accurate.

It's interesting to read about this issue from the perspective of the father. I've often fallen victim to the idea that, yes, you as the step-mother should be nice all the time, accept whatever is thrown at you from the kids (they don't really mean to hurt your feelings), plus have all the answers for our relationship and my (strained) relationship with my children. That's a ridiculous assumption, of course. But I often feel helpless and powerless to improve the situation. Whenever I call my son out on his bad behavior towards my wife he always denies it, makes excuses, or accuses me of calling him a liar. Who do I choose to disappoint this time - my wife or my son? It's a losing battle either way.

I see the toll it's taking on my wife and most distressingly on our relationship. I find myself dreading the weekends with my own children for fear of certain conflicts and uncomfortable situations, and I'm not ok with that. Are there resources out there for the fathers in these situations?

Dear Weekend Dad,
Yes, there are resources out there to help divorced and remarried or repartnered fathers strengthen both their marriages and their relationships with their kids.

My book Stepmonster has a chapter called "Him." In it I outline the dilemmas divorced and repartnered dads are most likely to experience, show what causes these problems, and suggest solutions. You might also consult the National Stepfamily Resource Center website for helpful information. I also write articles for divorced and repartnered dads on my blog www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog

Good luck. Your concern about this isssue is a great place to start. Give yourself credit for refusing to just bury your head in the sand. Thanks for reading and commenting, and good luck.
wednesday

I was interested in this piece from your article:

"If she adheres to mainstream stepparenting advice, much of it rooted in biased, misguided assumptions about how women should be and feel ("Leave the disciplining to him; just love them; you be the fun friend, etc,"), ..."

This is the first time I've seen anyone suggest that we should NOT leave the disciplining to him. Is that what you meant to imply or am I misreading that? Either way, could you elaborate?

I ask because it's so difficult (impossible?) to avoid situations where you feel a need to correct the kids on something they are doing, e.g. rude behavior. Their father is not always around at the precise moment when these things are happening. How should we handle this? It doesn't always feel sensible or useful to just say, "please stop doing that or I'll need to talk to your father about it."

Thanks!