A special guest post by stepmother, researcher, and author Jacquelyn Fletcher (A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom). While it's written specifically with stepmothers in mind, men with stepkids can benefit from Jacque's insights here as well...
As Thanksgiving approaches, instead of feeling the warm anticipation of a day to spend with family, stepmothers across America are downing antacids. And really it's no surprise. "All of our experimental and clinical research confirms that the sense of having little or no control is always distressful," says Paul J. Rosch, MD, a clinical professor of medicine and psychiatry at New York Medical College and president of the American Institute of Stress in Yonkers, N.Y.
Considering the fact that most stepmothers feel they have zero control over what happens in their homes, a stepfamily Thanksgiving is one holiday recipe in danger of becoming a disaster. Luckily, there are things you can do to mitigate some of the stress you're feeling as the holiday season approaches.
Make a list and check it twice. When you have a quiet moment, write a list of the holiday activities or interactions you feel you have no control over. Look for ways you can creatively increase feeling in control. Rosch suggests that it is often our own perceptions and expectations that cause stress.
For instance, if you're frantic on Thanksgiving because you don't know exactly when your stepchildren will arrive from their mom's house and you're holding dinner until they show, why not celebrate Thanksgiving on another day altogether? Have a turkey dinner with your spouse on Thanksgiving and then the next time you have the kids serve the leftovers and hold your holiday then.
Create a stress-management strategy. You're never going to rid yourself of all stress. So instead of making yourself crazy trying to do the impossible, come up with self-care treatments that you know make you feel better-yoga, exercise, a movie with a friend, a hot bath, reading a biography of someone inspiring, listening to music, or heading outside. Mark down the times on your calendar when you're going to take care of yourself each day through the entire holiday season.
Practice surrendering the things you can't control. This is challenging, but there are going to be things you simply can't change about your life. When one of those difficult moments comes up, allow yourself to feel the stress and irritation for a half hour and then consciously decide to not think about it anymore. Distract yourself with activities that give you joy.
Ask for help. You do not have to do everything that your stepfamily, in-laws, and ex-in-laws are asking of you. Stepmothers often feel like they are the house maid rather than a functioning member of the family. But you can control what you will and will not agree to do. Before the holidays talk to your spouse about how you will split the work load between everyone in your stepfamily. Construct a chart with all the chores and the name of the person who will do them. Have your husband present the list to the kids so he can deal with any complaints if necessary.
Lighten up. Schedule fun into your day. Set up a touch football game in the front yard. Hold a singing contest or a talent show. Put together a puzzle or play a board game.
If your stress symptoms don't abate after the holidays are over, remember that chronic stress can lead to all sorts of nasty conditions including asthma, heart attacks, strokes, depression, and ulcers to name a few. Experiment with the stress busters above to begin learning how to better manage your stress for greater emotional and physical health.
Resources:
www.wednesdaymartin.com
www.becomingastepmom.com
A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom by Jacquelyn Fletcher
Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
On Monday, look for a link to a special podcast, The Stepfamily Mix, hosted by Jacque with Wednesday as her guest. Topics covered will include "What if I'm expected to spend the holidays with my husband's ex?" and "How do I avoid stepmartyr sydrome if my stepkids are unappreciative or unhelpful at holiday time?"
