Stepmonster

Hi Wednesday - I'd comment on your blog, but right now, this computer cuts off after three comments and doesn't allow me scroll down...Most likely a browser issue...sigh//

At any rate, I never felt any pressure to get along with my husband's ex-wife. It just happened. We've butted heads and there are certain things that I don't talk to her about (things better left to my husband). In our case, it helps that her mom and stepmom built the foundation from which we could build our relationship. Yes...her mom and stepmom really do vacation together...I have pictures.

Together, she and I have recorded our story for Story Corps. We talked about a lot of things but our relationship hinges on the fact that we're both secure in who we are as people. There's no fear, jealousy, insecurities, or role ambiguity. As a mom, the greatest compliment she gave me was acknowledging all the mom things I do for her kids. (As a stepmom, that's a huge SCORE!) and recording for all posterity that what she learned from me was that another woman could and does love her kids as much as she does.

On the flip side, I am an ex-wife, too. One who was married to the type of man you described in your article - you know, the guy who's married with a girlfriend on the side - that was my life the last two years we were married and I was either in denial, blind to the whole thing, or stupid. (or a combination of all three). I'm quite sure I made her life miserable for about a year. And then I just got on with my life, owned my own stuff, and moved on. I've tried reaching out to her a few times over the last two years, but to no avail. I'm ok with that. No pressure. I certainly don't want to be her best friend or feel the need that I have to either. My girls are 22 and 25, so it's pretty much a moot point...although it would be kind of nice to at least meet her before either one of them gets married.

Relationships work when you have two reasonable and responsible people steering the Relation Ship. Not every bio mom is reasonable and not ever stepmom is responsible...and vice versa.

that "relationships work when you have [at least] two reasonable and responsible people" involved. Otherwise, it won't work.

In my case, bio mom only allowed me to meet my husband's daughters once. They spent less than 48 hours with me and my husband about six months after we got married. After that visit, she ramped up her parental alienation efforts. Suddenly, my husband's younger daughter "had a headache" or was "in the bathtub" whenever he called her. It wasn't long after that that her older sister started coming up with similar excuses.

The following year, my husband was trying to work out visitation with his ex and she suggested that we all meet at my husband's dad's house for Christmas. I was already feeling pretty hostile toward her for the obvious way she was poisoning the kids toward my husband. I had never met her in person and, at that point, I didn't really know the in laws that well, either. We were broke, in part, because he was paying an exhorbitant amount of child support for his daughters and her son from a prior marriage. I also knew instinctively that despite her assertions that she just wanted us all to "be friends for the sake of the kids", she had no intention of being friendly to me. I had seen emails she sent to my husband about me and had asked him not to share with me "to spare my feelings". To top it all off, she directed my husband to get a hotel room because she and her third husband and their new baby intended to stay at the in laws' house.

Though I felt a lot of pressure to suck it up-- FIL actually told me I needed to "step up to the plate"-- I ended up refusing to go. I knew it would be a waste of money that we didn't have. I knew that no matter how I behaved, it was going to be negatively spun to the kids and the (then) brainwashed in laws. I also had a feeling I'd have a very hard time keeping a lid on my temper when I saw the girls' stepfather horning in on my husband's time with his girls or heard their mother make some kind of backhanded compliment or derogatory statement toward me or my husband. My husband went to his dad's house alone and I stayed home. And yes, the in laws were mad at me because I refused to get on the bus to Abilene. My husband's ex, I'm told, made a big show out of crying on his stepmother's shoulder because I didn't show up to my public hanging.

Fast forward a couple of years. My husband and his ex wife had a big fight and she got his daughters to write letters demanding that he give them up for adoption. Then, she tried to convince the in laws that the adoption was my husband's idea. When my husband proved that wasn't the case, his dad and stepmother got angry at the ex. And before they knew it, she'd alienated their grandchildren against them, too. Now they're just like my husband's mother, who has been cut off from the grandkids for many years.

If I sound bitter and angry, it's because I am. I hate to see children used as pawns. And though maybe some wouldn't believe it, I was perfectly willing to try to get along with the ex and would have done my best to do so, had she only shown me a modicum of civility and respect. When she hatched her holiday get-together plan, she never even asked anyone how they felt about it, including the in laws. She just announced her plan and expected everyone, especially me, to go along with it. She showed absolutely no consideration for my in laws, whose home she was co-opting as a stage for her drama. She certainly didn't show any consideration for her kids, who no doubt were hoping to have a happy holiday with their loved ones, rather than watch a showdown between their mom and their dad's new wife. And she showed no thought of her poor husband, who was forced to spend a holiday in the home of his wife's ex husband's family. She expected everyone to follow her edict, despite the fact that her whole life has been studded with a series of judgment errors that she apparently hasn't learned from.

The poor kids have been used as weapons for so long and she has taught them that their opinion of people matters much more than it really does. They will be in for a rude awakening when they find out that other people are not going to give them special consideration because they are children of divorce. The oldest one, who has now been through two divorces, is showing some signs of narcissistic behavior.

My husband hasn't seen or spoken to his daughters since that disastrous gathering in 2004, which I had the good sense and strong spine to skip. So yeah, while I can admire women who are able to "get along for the kids" and are mature enough to set aside their differences so that everyone benefits, I don't think it's possible unless all parties are willing to cooperate. That's a rare situation and those who have it should count themselves very lucky.

I think stepfamily structures are very different from polygyny.

First -- women initiate divorce more often than men. I don't think men are starting a bunch of families and women are just putting up with it. I think women -- and men -- are leaving unhappy marriages voluntarily.

Second, women and men can both find new partners in the U.S. today. I don't think this is what happens in polygyny. In polygyny I think more commonly one man is spread thin among several women -- as their husband. Not just as the father of their children.

Third, I think in polygyny the expectation is that a woman will raise her own children and not share parenting with other wives -- at least not very much. (I could be wrong -- this is my impression.) It sounds like children live with their mothers and fathers visit the mothers and children in each of their houses. In stepfamily situations, moms find themselves separated from their children sometimes to share parenting with stepmoms who they didn't pick.

I think the conflict in stepfamilies revolves more around sharing children than around sharing husbands. I won't deny that there's also conflict about how the man should be in the various relationships, but I think it's secondary.

Another FANTASTIC article from Wednesday as always.

I love that you are bravely de-bunking the "get along for the sake of the kids" myth and telling it like it REALLY is.

It's a shame that people in "normal" families would rarely have the inclination to read this stuff. Then perhaps society would hold a different view of the "Wicked Stepmother".

All I can do is share this article on my Facebook profile and hope for the best!

Well done Wednesday!

Bec xx

Dear Wednesday,

Thank you for another insightful incredibly helpful post. This one really piqued my interest. I have been saying forever that to me, being a stepmother has felt an awful lot like being in a polygamous marriage. I have no experience with the latter but I have done some reading on the subject and in my opinion, the parallels are striking. When I made that observation, many people, including my husband, rolled their eyes and shook their heads at me. Your work resonates so strongly with me and this post was no exception.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years now. His ex has been increasingly difficult to deal with over the years, which surprised me. I assumed that that things would have become smoother. I was wrong. A few years ago, having had my fill of her very bad behavior, her constant boundary crashing, and chronic use of my stepson as a pawn, I decided that on my part, civility towards her was enough (and frankly, all I could muster) and that lots of distance was a good thing. I was shocked at her reaction to that - she began an email campaign to me and to my husband, claiming that my aloofness was harming the child, that I was setting a bad example for him and of course,generally casting me as a villain. I stood my ground, all the while feeling so very guilty and wondering if somehow i was (again) screwing the kid up.

Reading this post has made me feel a lot better about my decision. Thank you.

I can't believe people kill other people over millet. It's the worst grain ever. Try it; you'll hate it.

It seems that the more a parent clings possessively to a child ("mine!") the harder it is for other people in the community--including step-parents--to offer that child anything, in terms of adult companionship, teaching, and sometimes disciplining. I dream of a world where the adults agree at least somewhat on basic goals of child-rearing and on basic aspects of child behavior, and are willing to share the enforcement of those norms. Kids couldn't turn adults against each other so easily in order to wiggle out of good behavior.

Jesse Jackson said it years ago: "If parents and teachers stick together, ain't no where for homeboy to go."

But instead, when teachers tell parents about the bad behavior of their children, too often the parents reflexively defend the child, and thus send the child the message that the adults in his world are easily divided. This goes for step-parents too: insofar as possible, we should try to agree on what good behavior is, and require it everywhere: mom's house, dad's house, friend's house, school.

I think it is great that Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine have forged such a great relationship. I would like to have a similar relationship with my husband's ex but that is simply not possible because she is ... a moron. She has no idea I feel this way about her because I am very cordial to her "for the sake of the children". I have bitten holes in my tongue and have drunk way too much wine so that I can tolerate her. I can't wait until the kids are older and I no longer have to deal with her. And I don't feel the least bit guilty for that. Thanks for letting me vent.

It's so funny that you have just posted this; I have recently taken a liking to HBO's "Big Love" series, but I had a really hard time getting into the show. My reasons are exactly as you say: it was alarming to me the similarities between myself and a (albeit fictional) polygamous family. The jealousy, the power struggles, the trickery, the deceit - it was all too realistic. Kudos to the actors and actresses I guess, for being able to evoke such strong emotion. Taking a cue from the show, I've been doing lots of research on FLDS and other polygamous cultures and societies. I've really learned quite a lot from this.
I've been working on a post about this subject for my blog as well...because of the deep-seated feelings some of the show's situations draw out in me. Sharing my husband with the ex? Blech! (But, I do...)

Confirmation of my original feelings!!!!!

When I first met my husband and as I got to know the ins and outs of his relationship with his ex-wife, I had this overwhelming sense that she was "still his wife." Sure, he lived in a separate house (6 blocks away from her house) and sure, he hated her. But, he still showed up at her house on Christmas morning to play Santa. He still had a key and freely entered her house to get stuff for the kids. Supposedly, this was because the kids were young and couldn't be trusted with a key. Well, they weren't "that" young and it kept him involved, didn't it. And, she had not worked in the entire time since her divorce. She was living off what he was paying her and it looked like she thought she was still married. I thought to myself, wow. And, maybe I should have run to the hills, but I didn't. Here I am.

I'm no expert, but here's what I see. The "Dude" has the money, capital, resources (in most cases). The First Lady, ego and all, even if she initiates the divorce, insists on keeping access to that money and any future money and does so by wielding the kids as pawns. "They will not come to you unless you . . . fill in the blank." This is UNSPOKEN. It shows up in subtle ways that terrify a man who does want to be part of his kids lives. So, along comes Fabulous Francine, and the Dude falls in love with her and wants her to be part of his life. She is loving, kind, optimistic, a go-getter, competent in her life, and completely unencumbered by his baggage. That is, until the ring is on her finger ;-)))

Anyway, I digress . . . but my point is that there are plenty of things for the people to fight about and control, money, children, access to the kids. For heaven's sakes, look at what siblings fight over in a family, in addition to the divorce which is basically an "outing" of someone in the family. I see no other result than conflict. It takes a big person, correction . . . it takes BOTH women to be bigger people than our current society supports. I think we're living in a time when it's all about the "me" people and the instant satisfaction someone can get when they whine, complain, speak loudly, intimidate . . . rather than have to be thoughtful about how she behaves and consider how her actions influence others. Hmmmmmm . . . could that be why our children are living out these strategies? Sorry, I'm writing quickly, rambly and all. Hopefully you get the jist.

I think you're onto something here. I don't remember this being in the book but it would sure fit in a 2nd Edition, Wednesday.

Thanks, as always . . .

So often the power struggle that decimates a marriage takes on a life of its own and, although the failed relationship has been legally severed, the animosity continues on. The typical stepmother-mother animus is a symptom of this. Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marin’s ability to rise above the rivalry – as mother and stepmother – raises a flag of hope for those caught in these dificult - often unworkable - situations. The issue of divorce and mother-stepmother relationships is so pervasive and distressing yet thoughtful pieces like this one are rare.

Marty Babits LCSW, BCD
Author, The Power of the Middle Ground

I'm sorry did I miss something? What about the male responsibility here? In my experience, the ex-wife is not only loathed, but feared! Social politics today may encourage a healthy compassionate relationship between those involved, but the "underwriting" only empowers the biological mother to take advantage of the laws! However, if a man will take responsiblity for the awkward-wow, that's an understatement-situation, and show in both words and actions AT ALL TIMES why he has chosen to be with the current wife, then the situation becomes much easier. The ex-wife is forced to come to terms with reality-and hopefully start acting in the best interest of the kids instead of herself-and the current wife is no longer resentful about having to walk on eggshells, because she is secure.

I dream of a world in which Alienation of Affection laws are put back in place, so that children's hearts are less likely to be flippantly broken (as their nest has been).

If the adultery bimbo....er, 2nd wife....would be financially on the hook for paying for the children's college funds, now decimated by the legal fees that husband forces to be incurred, (hard to call him a real father when he puts his genitals' feelings above those of his children's), then I bet that there would be a bit less acrimony between wife 1 and wife 2.

There is a proper order of things. If one is unhappy in one's marriage, then one should get divorced first, and then take up with someone new. That way, the integrity and family values one has masqueraded as espousing to one's children their entire lives, is quite so upset.

It is adultery that causes most of the problems, not bitter first wives. Yes, the husband made a committment to his wife. He is primarily responsible. On the other hand, men's biochemistries and physiologies, including that of their brains, are differnet than women's. It is only other women who know exactly what it feels like to be a woman, and so, enabling a man to betray his wife is despicable.

And then, when the narcissist turns around and cheats on her....then she starts crying....and maybe even regretting....but by then, it's already too late.

The children have been irreparably disheartened by the destruction of their intact family.

read the article and I don't buy it. Here's what I've seen. Man divorces wife, man finds a new mrs before the ex finds a new mr, man tells his new mrs his side of the story and how evil his ex is, new mrs completely buys into it, and resents the other woman never having heard her side. This is only the beginning because everytime the man and the ex have an argument, the mrs will obviously take the misunderstood man's side which will only strengthen the already established animosity.
seen it too many times, but so far haven't lived it.