Verified by 
In part one of this two-part post, I discussed how, in spite of the alacrity with which we blame stepmothers and stepmothers blame themselves for less than perfect stepfamily outcomes, it is often more an issue of circumstances beyond her control hobbling her intentions. Knowing the difference between what you can and can't change can be a lifesaver for a woman with stepkids. Redirecting energy from attempting to "fix" what is unfixable or not hers to repair can decrease a woman's feelings of resentment dramatically; and allow her to refocus her efforts on her partnership, her friendships, her work, and her mental and physical health. A large body of research (see my book, Stepmonster, for a discussion) demonstrates that this will in turn buoy her self esteem, provide needed social support, counter her stepmaternal burnout, and facilitate her willingness and ability to leave the door open for something to develop with his kids down the line, should they become ready for it.
Part 1 considered how a few common roadblocks in the path to easy relations between stepmom and stepchild complicate the prevailing, oversimplified assumption that all stepmoms need is a positive outlook and lots of love to "make it all work." The flipside of this formula, of course, is that if it's not going smoothly, she's failing somehow. But given the reality of loyalty binds and resentful exes (just two of the obstacles discussed in part 1) it's not a simple question of good intentions. A positive outlook is important; pairing it with a realistic sense of the lay of the land is key, as it will prevent our optimism from taking a downward spiral into frustration.
Two other things stepmothers cannot change, but do not need to capitulate to:
Unreasonable cultural expectations. Being women, stepmothers are subjected to some pretty odd, outsized, and damaging preconceptions about how they "should be" and what they "ought to accomplish" with his kids. We're expected to blend, to love, to get over it, to fix it, to turn the other cheek indefinitely, and to create closeness out of hurt like interpersonal magicians. Many of us internalize these expectations and then end up feeling like failures--and holding it against our partner and his kids--when we hit the normal but remarkably difficult bumps along the way. The pressure to "blend" the family is an unnecessary one, and letting it go will allow everyone to relax. So give the impulse to also be a family miracle worker and marriage counselor a rest. There are people who do that for a living, you know--find one through the National Stepfamily Resource Center if you need to!
Stereotypes. Dr. Elizabeth Church, a stepmother and stepfamily researcher, found that stereotypes of wickedness confound women with stepkids too often--and function as a very effective gag to boot. Afraid of being perceived as evil clichés, she writes, we often bend over backwards in our attempts to be always-kind and ever-loving, even when stepkids of any age are turning on their worst, most provocative behavior. Which only feeds "I do and I do for them" syndrome, in which we bite our lips, feeling unappreciated, while our resentment of his kids and him skyrockets. Talking to other women with stepkids and your partner (see my book for Dr. Patricia Papernow's "effective communication formulas for charged topics") can nip this problem in the bud. So can letting his kids know when they've broken a rule, violated a boundary, or hurt your feelings. They might not react like angels every time, but if you are calm, civil, and fair to yourself and them as you tell them what rubbed you the wrong way, you will likely feel better than you would holding it in and seething, or "tattling" to your partner. And the kids (or adult stepkids) might just have an insight: that you're there for them, but expect them to give back within reason, too. Remind yourself that resenting your role doesn't make you wicked--it makes you normal, and it can pass.
What about obstacles discussed in the last post, including loyalty binds created by mom, a stepchild feeling threatened by you, the intrusive and angry ex, and a history of permissive parenting? It's frustrating beyond description, women I interviewed told me, to inherit stepkids or adult stepkids whose actions impact us but whose personalities and behaviors we've had no hand in molding.
So when you give the kids of any age some alone time with dad, go get a massage, a pedicure, a drink with friends--whatever is truly pleasurable for you. That will decrease their sense that you're a dad hog, while giving you a meditative and relaxing interval to let go of your sense that you are somehow required to change the things you can't. Ultimately, this realization can pay off big: less resentment of kids who resent you, more common ground with your partner.
