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Depression
Sorrow: A Valuable Emotion
Nobody wants to feel sad. Nevertheless, sorrow is healthy!
Posted January 30, 2012
Genuine sorrow?
We say it all the time: "I'm sorry ... I'm sorry ... I'm sorry!" What we literally mean by our apology is, "I'm sorrowful." In other words, "I feel sad." But, do we always? It is undoubtedly beneficial to feel genuine sorrow when we apologize, if only for a moment, for this is ideally what we want to convey: a deeply personal sense of regret and remorse.
It is important to be authentic, because our emotions are communicated directly and wordlessly, in an almost magically pure and spontaneous way. Empathic communication like this is valuable because it binds people together. We recognize our universal kinship through such direct and vibrant fellow-feeling. We come to know each other as soulmates.
This is even clearer when we use the same words, "I'm sorry," by way not of apology but of condolence: "I'm sorry for your loss." Sorrow is a vital response to loss; vital because it heralds emotional healing.
The word ‘healing' can be taken to mean, "Making whole again"; and, to be wounded and made whole again, in addition to restoration, usually means growth.
The threat of loss (of someone or something we hold precious) brings on emotions like bewilderment, doubt and anxiety. When the loss starts to bite, to become real, and when we try to deny and resist it, we feel anger. These are painful emotions.
When we feel somehow implicated in or responsible for the loss (often irrationally), we also naturally experience guilt and shame. We may then feel moved to apologize; but the emotional pain continues, until we stop resisting the reality and inevitability of loss.
Finally, when we do accept and acknowledge the full (often overwhelming) consequences of loss, sorrow takes us over. In many cases, we weep; and the release, the ‘catharsis,' of our tears bring us to the commencement of healing. We are forced, through a process of nature, to let go of our intense emotional attachment to the precious person, place, activity, object or idea that we are losing.
Although nobody wants to feel sad, at a deeper level, facing loss, everyone should want the genuine experience of sadness. Because sorrow is not the endpoint! It is the gateway to healing.
The Prophet
In his wise meditation of a book, The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran wrote,"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
When we feel sadness, cry our tears and share our sorrows with others, our degree of attachment fades and something wonderful starts to happen. Our minds clear of bewilderment and confusion. Happy memories and connections are revived. Doubts and anxieties settle and, with acceptance of the new situation, anger subsides. Cleansed of shame and guilt, we are left calmer than before, more assured, with a greater sense of innocence and self-worth. Personal growth brings maturity as sorrow turns spontaneously to joy. Less fearful of loss in the future, we can live more spontaneously, with a greater sense of liberty and equanimity.
There seems to be an epidemic of 'stress' resulting in ‘anxiety and depression' besetting humanity in these secular times. Look into it and you will discover people holding on, trying to avoid the impact of loss and the threat of loss. This is futile, because we all face loss through the many daily vicissitudes and uncertainties of life, as well as through the certainties of illness, ageing and death. It is not necessarily the best thing to do, to medicalize and medicate the problem. In some cases, this is necessary, but in others, it only suppresses, distorts and defers the eventual emotional pain.
In the midst of this, feeling bad is not so much the problem. Feeling bad about feeling bad: that's the problem! Feeling bad about it, people often seek to deny, delete or evade emotional pain somehow; but sorrow is a genuine and valuable emotion. Instead of rejecting and feeling bad about it, we are wise, in the face of loss, to embrace it. Then we can start to feel good about it, and wait as our tears turn to laughter once again.
Being patient with sorrow
The experience of painful emotions forms an essential component of the remedy and transforms us. We need to be patient then, eventually, finding ourselves made whole again, we offer an example of hope to others. Having experienced this vivid spectrum of emotional pain, we grow naturally aware of, and sympathetic to, the plight and pain of others. In other words, compassion too is awakened. We all experience loss. Everyone is linked spiritually; and through this holistic connection, we can help each other with our honesty and courage. This, simply, is how it is.
Fight against loss and destruction if you want to, but do not forget to admit helplessness and give in utterly, weep in anger, frustration and sorrow, from time to time. You will feel better for it...and so will everyone else!
Copyright Larry Culliford
Larry's books include The Psychology of Spirituality, Love, Healing & Happiness, and (as Patrick Whiteside) The Little Book of Happiness and Happiness: The 30 Day Guide (personally endorsed by HH The Dalai Lama).
