Inspired at age nineteen, Barack Obama's sleeping soul re-awakened as he gave a short, unscripted speech at a rally of the ANC in Los Angeles. His true 'spiritual' self had spoken from deep within. Nevertheless, he described remaining assailed by, "A constant, crippling fear that I didn't belong somehow, that unless I dodged and hid and pretended to be something I wasn't, I would forever remain an outsider, with the rest of the world - black and white - always standing in judgement."
Working through the confusion
Obama remained bewildered as he moved to New York. He studied hard, reflecting meanwhile on his life, keeping a journal of daily reflections and poetry. He avoided drinking and loose living deliberately, for he felt surrounded by temptation.
He wrote, "The beauty, the filth, the noise, and the excess, all of it dazzled my senses. There seemed no constraints on originality of lifestyles or the manufacture of desire - a more expensive restaurant, a finer suit of clothes, a more beautiful woman, a more potent high. Uncertain of my ability to steer a course of moderation, fearful of falling into old habits, I took on the temperament if not the convictions of a street corner preacher, prepared to see temptation everywhere... "
The breadth of his newfound vision is breathtaking. "Beneath the hum, the motion, I was seeing the steady fracturing of the world taking place. I had seen worse poverty in Indonesia and glimpsed the violent mood of inner-city kids in L.A.; I had grown accustomed everywhere to suspicion between the races... It was only now that I began to grasp the almost mathematical precision with which America's race and class problems joined: the depth, the ferocity, of resulting tribal wars... It was as if the middle ground had collapsed, utterly."
Obama knew he had to choose between personal comfort and responsible engagement with social realities. Wisely, he took his time, writing, "Unwilling to make that choice, I spent a year walking from one end of Manhattan to the other. Like a tourist, I watched the range of human possibility on display, trying to trace out my future in the lives of the people I saw, looking for some opening through which I could re-enter."
His father had been dead about a year when Obama experienced a lengthy dream. "Barack, I always wanted to tell you how much I love you". The dream father says this as Obama awakes and finds himself weeping. The dream marked another major psycho-spiritual shift. Tearful, he is no longer confused and afraid. He is sad.
Comparison
The monk and spiritual writer, Thomas Merton (1915 - 1968), having led a somewhat dissolute life, had a similar experience at the age of eighteen, in his hotel room when visiting Rome. In his autobiography, The Seven Storey Mountain, Merton wrote, "Suddenly it seemed to me that Father, who had now been dead more than a year, was there... In that flash, instantly, I was overwhelmed with a sudden and profound insight into the misery and corruption of my own soul... And my soul desired escape and liberation and freedom from all this with an intensity and an urgency unlike anything I had ever known before". He added, "There were a lot of tears connected with this, and they did me good."
Only later did the full impact of this moment of conversion unfold in Merton's life. He became a Roman Catholic in New York age 23, and a Cistercian Monk three years later. He was to become one of the most influential spiritual writers of the twentieth century.
Emotional healing and spiritual growth
Both Obama and Merton experienced sadness and tears on remembering a father's love. For a psychiatrist, this cathartic release marks a point of transformation.
All human psychology is concerned essentially with loss: you want something you don't have, or you have something you don't want to lose. This is ‘attachment', and people quite naturally get attached to all manner of things: people, places, objects, activities, ideas, (political and religious) ideologies, etcetera.
Putting it briefly, we carry with us a full palette or spectrum of inter-related painful and pain-free emotions. Doubt, bewilderment and anxiety are the emotions associated with actual or perceived threat. Anger is associated particularly with resistance to any loss. Guilt and shame may accompany loss when threat turns to reality; and sadness arises when all denial and resistance fails, and the reality of a loss impinges irrefutably on our awareness.
But this is not the end of the story. Weeping liberates emotional energy, previously invested in the attachment. In consequence, sadness turns naturally to its polar opposite, joy. Guilt and shame revert to self-esteem and a sense of purity. Anger likewise switches to acceptance. Anxiety becomes calm. Doubt fades, leaving a feeling of certainty; and the confusion of bewilderment evaporates, leaving clarity. Desire is replaced by contentment. Calm, joyful satisfaction is felt at things, just as they are.
Spectrum of Painful and Pain-free Emotions
Wanting (desire) - Contentment
Bewilderment - Clarity
Anxiety - Calm
Doubt - Confidence
Anger - Acceptance
Shame - Worth (self-esteem)
Guilt - Innocence (purity)
Sadness - Happiness (joy)
People go through this sequence towards catharsis, healing and growth whenever considerable threats and losses are experienced and endured to resolution. Emotional release eventually leaves us more alive, more spontaneous, less fearful, and better able to stay clearly focused in the present moment.
Spring comes to Central Park
For those already mature enough to let go easily of their attachments, laughter works as well as tears. The clarity associated with the new condition fosters wisdom and creativity. Other people, no longer experienced as competitors, are now seen as fellow strugglers and sufferers on life's difficult path. This insight then fosters a rise in fellow-feeling, selflessness, compassion, wisdom and love. Everybody benefits.
Sorrow, then, is an important gateway to healing and growth, to personal, psychological and spiritual maturity, to the 'here' and the 'now' of your life.
Obama
Obama's dream about his father marked a positive transition. As we will see in Part 3, another powerful transformational experience soon awaits him. Again, it will be accompanied by tears.
Copyright Larry Culliford
*This article is based on a presentation at the International Thomas Merton Society's Twelfth Conference and General Meeting on June 11, 2011, at Lakeshore Campus, Loyola University, Chicago, Illinois. For information about Thomas Merton (1915 - 1968) see www.merton.org and links. Obama quotes are from 'Dreams from my Father' (Crown Publishers, NYC, 2004)
