How Adults on The Spectrum Can Form Relationships

There is a lot of literature for children with Asperger's on the topic of friendships and relationships. But wht if you are an adult on the autism spectrum. What if you have recently found out about your condition? Or what if you have know about it for a while, but never received any ideas about how to connect to people in a helpful way?

The ideas for this article are adapted from a book I am reading entitled Solutions for Adults with Asperger Syndrome, by Dr. Juanita Lovett.

Some of the same rules that apply for "NT's" (neurotypical people) also apply for "Aspies" (people with Asperger's syndrome). First, it's important to understand that you must develop an understanding of what friendship is. The golden rule states that we need to treat others as you would like them to treat us. This can be challenging: they may have different ideas or opinions about topics that you feel strongly about. But a good friendship is built on an unspoken rule that says you will treat the other person with tolerance and respect. You will also be aware of what they may want, or need, and you will be tolerant and respectful toward them.

With this basic understanding in mind, think about places that you can begin to meet people. Here are some ideas:

1. Follow your passion. Let's say that you have a passion and interest in building model railroad layouts. Use Google or Bing to conduct an internet search for clubs or groups in your areas that share that interest. Knowing that the members of that group share your interest will make conversation, and eventually relating, somewhat easier.

2. Look for organized activities, even if you are even only a little bit interested. Perhaps you may be able to join a softball league, learn yoga, or find some other type of organized activity that will give you opportunities to get to know people in a more structured but less intense way.

3. Volunteer and then volunteer again. Are you interested in music? Maybe your church choir or local symphony orchestra needs a volunteer to catalog music, schedule practice, and so forth. Maybge you would enjoy working with the elderly: you would be very welcome at a local nursing home.

The great thing about volunteering is that it helps us feel good about ourselves while we are doing good for others. It can also give you a chance to meet other volunteers, and those types of persons tend to be kindhearted and accepting of others who are differently abled.

4. As you meet people, consider counseling or coaching. I have a sister and brother who are working full-time in Cambodia. The process of learning the language and adapting to a brand new culture can take a minimum of five years. This includes studying at the university and with language teachers almost full-time. Imagine going to a completely new culture and trying to get along! Yet that is exactly what Aspies have often described life like as they try to make sense of the social landscape. NT's have completely different hard-wiring in terms of how they think, view the world, and interact with each other. The good news is that, as an Aspie, you are gifted with many positive characteristics that NT's will never possess. However, the challenge for you is that you may need to hire a 'language consultant' in the form of a therapist who specializes in understanding Asperger's syndrome and has some ideas to help guide you as you take these steps toward friendship.

A great example of someone I really respect is Patricia Robinson, a counselor in California who provides both counseling and psychotherapy for people on the spectrum.

"No woman or man is an island." I hope that you will begin to build the bridges and start connecting with others, so that you can experience the warmth that connectedness can bring.