Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Laughter, pleasure, malice, and the pursuit of adult fun

7 Ways to Get a Man's Attention (Not Good Ways, But Ways)

Do those magazine articles telling you how to get a man's attention ever work?

Lots of women's magazines spend pages on how to capture and keep men's attention. They make it sound as if it's difficult! But that's because they're focused on getting only positive attention.

If it's only attention you want-—and who doesn't expect attention, after all?—there are lots of ways to go about it that don't involve the use of false eyelashes, lisping infantilism or a trick pelvis!

Sure, much of the attention you get if you follow this advice will not be good; it might, in fact, come under the heading of "shocked" and/or "slightly horrified." The word "skeeved" (look it up in the Urban Dictionary) might be appropriate.

But, seriously, what kind of attention do you think is given to women who follow the weird, manipulative and contrived tripe put forth by major glossies?

So why not try these? What do you have to lose apart from your dignity, reputation and sense of integrity—almost all of which you'd forfeit anyway by doing what's recommended in the pages of the latest issue of Glamsmo? Not that I'm bitter…

Let's get started, ladies! A man's attention can be secured by the following:

Find a Therapist

Search for a mental health professional near you.

1. Rubbing his chin with a damp washcloth while saying, "Look at what you did!" After all, it's how his mommy showed affection when he was little and he's bound to have fond memories of being looked after by his primary caretaker! Carry wet-naps and wipies with you at all time. If at a bar, sit next to the snack dish or hot-appetizer section and go in for the jawline when he’s least expecting it. This is particularly attention-getting when used on total strangers. Imagine how impressed he'll be by the fact that you knew in advance how well he "cleans up"!

2. Offering him a light. This is particularly effective if neither he nor you are smoking. It’s great if you’re in a public place where smoking would be a felony offense: in the Sistine Chapel, let’s say, or the stack of the Special Collections at the Huntington Library. But even if you’re not much of a world-traveler, you can find a nice “staycation” kind of fellow by going up to an attractive gent who’s looking lonely at a local health-food store or wandering aimlessly around the organic farmer’s market and asking repeatedly if he’d like a light. You’ll get more of his attention that the hemp milk and beetroot combined!

3. Taking a large, elegantly framed photograph of your ex to your favorite singles’ spot and ask the men you find attractive whether they think they’re worse than the loser you used to date. Explain to them in as much detail as you find necessary everything wrong with your previous relationship. If they start to move away, then yell, “You’re worse! At least he went out with me!” That’ll get their attention.

4. Wearing red. Men are attracted to red. Wear red shoes, red tights, a red dress, red jacket, red coat, red scarf, red necklace, red earrings, red headband, red lipstick, red eye-shadow, red eye-liner, red mascara and top it all off with a flirty red (or reddish) hat. Wow! Who could NOT look? A red-hot attention getter is what you'll be!

5. Sitting close to him. Lots of advice mongers emphasize the need to make physical contact early on in a flirtation. So if you’re in a crowded place, just plop yourself down on the guy’s lap, why dontcha? The worst he’ll do is stand up. Or call the police. (Make sure you carry a current government issued photo i.d. and have the number of a good local attorney with at all times if you’re trying this bold one!)

6. Sending five of your cousins to his house on his day off. Obviously this works best if you have one special guy in mind (or if you have a whole lot of cousins). They can sort of hang around in his yard or on his porch until he’s willing to discuss the possibility of dating you. If you live in a city, they should camp out in his lobby. Don’t forget, though, you’re responsible for picking up the tab for refreshments!

7. Acting the way you usually do around your friends, family, co-workers and other folks you know as well as being open to and enthusiastic about meeting new folks. Oh, sorry—don’t know how that slipped in! I meant to say “Playing two pairs of castanets indoors! That’s how to get a man’s attention! That’s the ticket!”

Gina Barreca, Ph.D., is Professor of English at UConn, and author of It's Not That I'm Bitter: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.

more...

Subscribe to Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Current Issue

Dreams of Glory

Daydreaming: How the best ideas emerge from the ether.