Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Laughter, pleasure, malice, and the pursuit of adult fun

Marrying "Safe?" You Might Be Sorry...

To marry a man simply because he seems a “safe bet” is cheating: it cheats the woman out of actually working through towards a real understanding of herself and what she needs, and it cheats a man out of being the real love-object for a woman who believes he is the best man she could find. Read More

I love how you stated that a

I love how you stated that a safe bet relationship "cheats the woman out of actually working through towards a real understanding of herself and what she needs, and it cheats a man out of being the real love-object for a woman who believes he is the best man she could find." Not only does everyone deserve the chance to be truly loved for who they are/what they have to offer; the best relationships and kinds of love open you up to new discoveries and help you learn more about who you are and what you deserve.

This was a really great post, thank you so much for posting this!

www.initsgrip.blogspot.com

Thank You for such an

Thank You for such an enlightening article. I understand all this, about not choosing a second-choice husband, but what if the one who meets your high standards and you want as the first-choice husband you believe you deserve, does not want you? should you keep trying for them? And how do you stop this heart-break from making you reach for a second-choice, second-rate partner.

Once Again

I think you all are looking at this one-sided, like the woman is getting the second-choice husband. Believe me ladies, it happens with men too! But what to me is a resemblance of theories between this article and I do believe it’s Dr. Carl Jung’s Projection. This theory basically allows the individual to “visualize” the other having those perfect qualities and attributes they desire; projecting whatever they need them to be to fulfill the desire. I would think even the Law of Attraction would have similarities towards each other. There had to have been that one thing that initially enabled the woman or man to approach the other to begin with. People don’t approach strangers to start a relationship- there was some kind of attractiveness that initially got their attention, whether, it’s how they looked, acted, etc.
I think when people get into second-choice mates (not husbands, but mates), it’s because of low self-esteem issues and possibly other deeper issues. But just because you’re mate isn’t physically attractive or has that body and no brains, that doesn’t mean you don’t love everything else about them and totally happy with the relationship.

In NO way is this article

In NO way is this article saying that you have to be with a ideal, perfect human being or you are marrying down.

If you haven't realized by now, she keeps emphasizing on the word "fulfilling" - fulfilling marriage/fulfilling relationship. Of course, "fulfilling relationship" means different things to different people. Hence, the whole point of the article is to remind people to take their time to find out what they actually NEED.

As stated in the article, second-choice mate happens when people get lazy. They settle even when they know they are with the wrong people.

This is so great. This

This is so great. This article reminds me a lot of the scene in Up in the Air when Anna Kendrick's character and Vera Farmiga's character talk about the idea of settling for someone. They talk about how, as one becomes older, the idea of settling becomes less and less unappealing.

I think a lot of women tend to think this way. True, I'm only 21, but it is still an extreme fear that I have--settling.

This article really shows how detrimental such an act really is not only to the person that is being settled for, but also for the settler. Beautifully said as well!

What if you've already made this mistake

Then what do you do if you're in one of these marriages and realize that you don't love him only after you've had children and are over 40? Besides the fact that most desireable men have already been taken, isn't it best to work on the marriage since all marriages are hard work?

Solid advice

Great article about the dangers of "Settling".

Makes absolute sense when you consider that any decision motivated by fear will bear unsuitable results long term. It's just that we can be so emotional and make decisions based on this, some fine examples in your article.
I guess staying connected to ourselves and others that can support us and help us to make decisions based less on fear is the key hey?

Thanks again and all the best from Sunny South Africa: http://wedorecover.com/rehab-facilities/rehab-facilities.html

Dialog brainmelt

Perhaps it's just me but this article just seems like a wafty rant on nothing in particular. Relationships are different for different people. Some people prefer to hedge the safe bet relationships while others are more content weathering the ongoing storm. Everyone has an opinion and noone is right. There's my footnote for the evening. Peace, love great blog. Also from sunny south africa!

Awesome!

Awesome!

Love this piece

The connection between books and movies as well as the connection to the "women who hate their husbands" research made is fascinating! I can think of a dozen other movies and novels where this happens too and I know lots of so-called real life situations where both men and women think they are making easy choices that turn into the hardest ones they'll ever face. Thanks for the clear and relatable article.

Love this piece

The connection between books and movies as well as the connection to the "women who hate their husbands" research made is fascinating! I can think of a dozen other movies and novels where this happens too and I know lots of so-called real life situations where both men and women think they are making easy choices that turn into the hardest ones they'll ever face. Thanks for the clear and relatable article.

Love this piece

The connection between books and movies as well as the connection to the "women who hate their husbands" research made is fascinating! I can think of a dozen other movies and novels where this happens too and I know lots of so-called real life situations where both men and women think they are making easy choices that turn into the hardest ones they'll ever face. Thanks for the clear and relatable article.

I disagree with the

I disagree with the interpretation in the statement:

“The wife lived an adventurous, sexually free life while single. Then, for some reason, perhaps pregnancy of an unhappy love affair, she lowers her sights to select a sturdy, responsible, dependable husband, who is probably thought physically unattractive.”

From what I've seen, the women are pursuing the archetypal "bad boy" for sex. He's exciting, sexual and irresponsible.

When she gets pregnant -- he gone. Then she discovers that the type of man that has it all, looks, resources, charm, etc. isn't interested in some used-up fast and loose woman and raising some slobs brood.

So, she settles for a lesser quality, but stable guy. Unfortunately, she continues to believe that she's entitled to "Prince Charming" and can't deal with the reality, that she is not Princess material.

She didn't lower her sights -- they were lowered for her.

.

my stance, Not everyone get

my stance,
Not everyone get what they desire.

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Gina Barreca, Ph.D., is Professor of English at UConn, and author of It's Not That I'm Bitter: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.

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