Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Laughter, pleasure, malice, and the pursuit of adult fun

Are You Stupid? A Fun And Enlightening Quiz!

Ten ways to test whether you're a moron (or just acting like one)

There are lots of tests out there; I've taken all of them. It's now time for me to invent one of my own.

By making extensive use of tests available in magazines, on billboards, via various websites, and on the back of match-covers, I've tried to figure out whether I'm creative, introverted, fearful, sexually attractive to members of other species, and/or short for my height.

Want to know what I've discovered? That the shape of my face is "round-ish, with some squared oval." Also, that I am a Capricorn, mean, and probably a canary-person.

I've decided that what's missing is the Test for Sheer Stupidity and I've decided to rectify that omission.

Here goes:

1. If you laughed outright at the use of the word "rectify" in the sentence above (or in any other sentence), you might just be stupid

2. If you believe that the absolute high point—the unrivaled apex—of Western civilization's achievement in terms the comic is JACKASS: THE MOVIE wherein a man walks across a rope bridge suspended over alligators after having had raw chicken parts stuffed into his underpants and you are over age 11, you might just be what people call “not too bright”

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3. If you believe "TLC" on the license plates of all those Lincoln Town cars in New York stands for "Tender Loving Care" rather than "Taxi & Limousine Commission" you might just be a little dim

4. If you've ever spent more than twenty minutes trying to plaster a fake pink glittery nail onto your finger with Superglue while someone else is waiting for you to come out of the bathroom and you've shouted "Just a MINUTE already! I'm having REAL ISSUES in here!" you might just be ridiculously selfish as well as dim

4. If you didn't know a person could actually “make cookie dough” as opposed to buying it in a roll from the freezer section of a grocery store, you might just be in a need of one of life’s refresher courses

5. If you believe that “arugula “ is what the background singers are chanting in “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” you might just be not in the top 95 percent of your graduating class

6.  If you can even imagine that anyone has ever looked good in a striped poncho, you might need glasses and a wardrobe makeover in addition to some additional intellectual and fashion stimulus

7.  If you’ve convinced yourself casinos were built to celebrate the success of slot-machine winners, even if you’re smart, you clearly didn’t read the warning label

8.  If you expect anything but a strictly scripted answer to the question “Do you love me as much as I love you?” you’re fooling only yourself

9.  If you honestly think Rhett is coming back to Scarlett, Eliza really marries Higgins, or anybody but Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare, you’re just flat-out misinformed if not actively delusional

10. If you pay any attention to highly made-up and often wildly unscientific quizzes not much more effectively researched than this one, then you need to take it all with a little more salt and a more laughter. Take it from me—the woman who has already completed every quiz—that’s the ONLY smart thing to do.

Gina Barreca, Ph.D., is Professor of English at UConn, and author of It's Not That I'm Bitter: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.

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