Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Laughter, pleasure, malice, and the pursuit of adult fun

Add Your Unusual Valetine's Day Poem Here!

Even doggerel should have its day: Hello February 14th poems!

Is something happening in your life on February 14th that is NOT covered by the traditional Valentine's Day card? Perhaps a non-traditional Valentine's Day greeting is in order! What kind of little ryhme would be appropriate?

We take Valentine's Day too seriously in this country. We need to have more fun and less angst.

Even doggerel  should have its day, and we believe its day is February 14th.

For example, one of my brother's best friends in the world is having surgery on Valentine's Day. There's no card for that. There's nothing you can get where, let's say, a unicorn is removing somebody's gallbladder or a teddy-bear is inserting drug-releasing stents below the knee; there's really nothing for that particular occasion, not even in your fancier stationary stores. So, being the poet he's always been (under that JD and MBA), he wrote a series of what I believe to be well-crafted poems in celebration of his friend's impending experience:

--

Let's be friends
Until you die
Which might be today
In Mount Sinai.
-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You're under the knife,
Anesthetized, too!

-
Valentine, valentine,
Red, white and blue
I'll sign your health proxy
If you'll sign mine, too.
--
Five little words
I'll say to you,
"I won't pull the plug"
Unless you're quite through.

Acting as both inspiration and prompt, my students and I have decided to come up with a few ditties of our own to be used by, as one young woman insisted we call it, "Those Having Issues on Feb. 14th." We wanted to cover our bases, however off-base they seemed.

(There's a whole other post to be written about when the word "issues" became a noun covering everything loathsome, deviant, or merely unspeakably complicated, as in: "They can't come to the party because they're having 'issues'"; "She would have been offered the job, but even the hiring committee could see she had 'issues.'" When did "issues" replace "problems" and why?)

Okay, back to greeting-card pop-poetry produced for the Valentine's Days of the Damned!

-

You're single? You're married?
It doesn't much matter
You're still in my bed
whether former or latter.

-

Come live with me and be my love
and we will all the pleasures prove
until the apartment becomes too small
but you're too cheap to move.

-
You might be well read
and like your cinema blue
but you can't scare me off
I'm a Terry Southern fan, too.

--

Willy had a naughty streak
he chased girls around the Globe
he caught one behind the arras
and disheveled her wardrobe-
Which I would like to do with you,
my very own Juliet,
except I'd leave your arras intact
and focus on your bouncing doublet.

-

I'll be alone on Valentine's Day
although I'll be thinking of you
I'll be alone on Valentine's night
since my &#@&ing term paper is due.

-

Adjunct

Teacher, teacher, do you know
I am in love with you?
Teacher, teacher, can't  you see?
I love you through and through.

Pupil, pupil, don't you know
I have one semester before I go;
Pupil, pupil, can't you see
The fact of my contingency?

-

Surely you can come up with some to rival, or-dare I say?-best these. C'mon, folks. Valentine's Day for if not for the creation of strange assemblages, especially if they rhyme?

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Gina Barreca, Ph.D., is Professor of English at UConn, and author of It's Not That I'm Bitter: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.

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