Like many folks of my generation (loosely defined as too old for work study and too young for cremation) I grew up reading MAD MAGAZINE and became a follower of the "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" cult formed by the brilliant Al Jaffee. As someone who now speaks to groups of educators (and parents--don't worry, I also speak with groups of parents), I've learned that there are LOTS of questions that keep getting asked over and over again. Some of these deserve Al-Jaffee-type responses. I've put together a list of some of the key questions below. I've supplied the "charming answer" option for each and then offered other less politically-correct choices.
Why do these same questions keep being asked? Because parents believe their children are special. They consider their offspring not special in the way that "every child is special" but because-and this is the part, they will explain, that you simply don't understand-their child is genuinely special.
Their child is simply too clever for the teachers, who do not appreciate his charming confidence and delightful sense of insouciance, and therefore misidentify these traits as conceit and apathy.
Their child isn't lazy; she's bored. Their child isn't spoiled; he has high standards.Their child isn't destined for life as a serial killer; she is showing an interestingly non-gender-specific curiosity about blood sport.
So, with trumpets in the backgroud, I'd like to introduce you to the Top 5 Questions Parents Always Ask and The Answers Teachers Would Love to Give Them (If They Didn't Need the Job)
The first question is:
1. Why don't you answer my emails and phone calls promptly?
Charming answer: I am so busy educating your children who, of course, my first priority that the good, conscientious parents sometimes get shuffled to the end of queue-why don't you make an appointment now, so I can give you and your concerns my undivided attention?
What you would love to say is:
a. Twenty-six responses per household per day is my limit.
b. If you stopped calling me "Promptly" and started calling me by my actual name, perhaps I'd call you back.
c. You haven't bribed me enough-yet.
2. How old are you?
Charming answer: Old enough to be a good leader, young enough not to be inflexible...I hope!
What you would love to say is:
a. Old enough not to be using a fake ID-not that I ever ever did. I would NEVER do that, after all, I am a principal...
b. Only my plastic surgeon knows for sure.
c. 234-in dog years. I was a math teacher before I became an administrator. You figure it out.
3. I have lots of suggestions about ways to improve the school; why don't you take them?
Charming Answer: Eager as I am to implement original and important innovations, I'm sure you understand that everything takes time and goes through a process. I do look forward to seeing you at the next PTO meeting, board meeting, town meeting, (insert other name of organization function here) and I'm grateful for your enthusiasm in making our school a strong one.
What you would love to say is:
a. All your suggestions are written in crayon. Don't they let you use anything sharp?
b. The school can't afford a new stable of riding horses right now.
c. The complaint department is on the roof. Follow the signs.
4. How did you get to be Principal?
Charming Answer: Through hard work, dedication, patience, and my commitment to making this school that best. I hope that comes through.
What you would love to say is:
a. The case was sealed by the court so I can't reveal any details.
b. My brother Tony Soprano ad a word with the Chancellor.
c. How did you get to be a mother?
5. Why aren't the _______ better? (Insert one of the following: lunches, classrooms, textbooks, teachers, sports programs and/or facilities, office staff, loud speakers, grounds, parking lots, auditoriums, bus drivers, nurses, after-school programs, lockers, bathrooms).
Charming Answer: We are working on it, but we need even more support in terms of time, resources, and encouragement from parents as concerned and passionate about the school as you are; how can we make this happen?
What you would love to say:
a. The staff all graduated from this school, so what can you expect?
b. We don't have control over the facilities that are staffed by the felons on work programs.
c. Considering the group sex parties, drug use, and suicide rates in the school, those are the last things we're worried about.
d. Because the spending-cuts governor you selfishly voted into office to protect you from government taxes cut the school budget by 60%. If you really want ______________ (Choose one of the following: nice classrooms, after-school programs, sports, hot lunches, floors, etc.), don't vote for one of the Evil Budget Cutters next time you're in the voting booth.
While you say answers A through C or D silently to yourself, as all good test takers know, the answer that sounds really good is usually the wrong one-so try and aim for charm over wit, at least in public, and you'll be glad you did.
