Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Laughter, Pleasure, Malice, and the Pursuit of Adult Fun

by Regina Barreca, Ph.D.

When Apologies Don't Work

Apologies are not an E-Z Pass to relationship harmony.

Published on September 5, 2011 by Gina Barreca, Ph.D. in Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Apologizing doesn't make everything better. For example, a guy can't come home to his red-headed wife with a blonde hanging on his arm and say, "I'm sorry, honey, but she followed me home," and expect that apology to offer him a sort of E-Z Pass to marital harmony.

I don't believe the popular saying that it's "easier to get forgiveness than to get permission."

Want to know why I don't believe that it's easier to get forgiveness?

I'm Italian. You don't ask the Borgias, the Medicis or the Machiavellis to "Let it go just this once."

And I'm also a big believer--as some of you know-- that women have to stop apologizing for everything. We go around saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" for every single thing we say and do. Enough with the sorries.

We cook you a delicious seven-course dinner? We're sorry you're on a diet.

We brought you flowers? We're sorry you have allergies. We gave you a big hug?

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We're sorry you're a misanthropic, emotionally constipated, heartless lizard of an excuse for a human being.

It's not that I'm bitter, but maybe "sorry" covers too much ground with too little effect.

After all, we all have lives to get on with, and - yes - those lives involve talking with, having fun with and enjoying life with other people whose idea of pleasure is not limited to lock-jawed silence and a fiercely fought battle for social isolation.

So I'll keep it short and simple: It's not that women "overdo it" but that some men, like poorly cooked pork at a depressing state fair, are "underdone."

To our abundance, they bring paucity; to our enthusiasm, they bring flat-lined skepticism; to our light, they bring the fog of snark.

I'll take excess over scarcity every time. And I won't apologize for it, either.

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Tags: apologies, believer, big hug, enjoying life, forgiveness, humor, italians, lizard, marital harmony, paucity, permission, scarcity, single thing, skepticism, social isolation

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Gina Barreca, Ph.D., is Professor of English at UConn, and author of It's Not That I'm Bitter: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.

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