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Spicy Cougars Vs. Sugar Daddies
If he still plays beer-pong, is he too young?
Posted May 17, 2010
According to The New York Times, "cougars and cubs are out, but sugar daddies and sugar babies are in."
The May 14th piece, titled "Google Tells Sites for ‘Cougars' to Go Prowl Elsewhere," explains that although ads for "sugar daddy" sites are still considered family-safe by Google, but cougar sites are not. As you might imagine, this has caused quite an uproar, and not only from the cougar peanut gallery, but from all sorts of nuts.
A great many men continue to believe the right age for a wife is at least 15 years younger than they are. There's an old rule that your wife is supposed to be half your age plus seven years. This means that if you're 80, your wife should be 47, if you're 60, your wife should be 37, etc.
Men like this idea for two reasons: 1.) It involves a mathematical formula; 2.) It involves finding women with very firm buttocks, or at least buttocks that will feel firm to your aging, spotted, wrinkled 80-year-old hands.
These are the guys who keep quoting the Bible to tell us how many kings had children when they were 420 years old, as if they were somehow going to find a passage where the prescription for Viagra was encoded in Deuteronomy.
Not that I'm bitter. In fact, I've written about the cougar phenomenon in Not That I'm Bitter. Of course, as we all know, there are now plenty of older women married to younger men.
You know what a cougar is, right? She is a woman between forty and sixty who pursues men in their twenties or thirties sexually.
Obviously she's pursuing them sexually.
What else would you pursue them for?
It's not for conversation, and it's certainly not for fashion advice. It's not because once you're peri-menopausal you have a sudden urge to start playing Frisbee golf or beer pong.
And God knows their lines of credit are even shorter than their attention spans.
Maybe Google wanted to ban these ads because so many older women were hooking up with younger men that the world was in danger of spinning off its sexual axis or something.
Let's think of some older women-younger men couples: we've got Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, plus there's Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, except they just broke up.
That's it.
Somehow it's still newsworthy and scandalous that a woman past forty could like a man under forty. In contrast, of course, every 15 minutes a study comes out proving that the reason older men are drawn to younger women is because of a universal, inexorable genetic predisposition for choosing the mate who will be able to bear his seed to fruition.
I suspect that the reason all these scientific studies prove that old men need to hook up with younger women is because the studies are funded by those who might best be described as "old men," being in control as they are of major foundations, if not of their own bodily functions.
(Their conversations go something like this: "Sorry, honey, I need to begin life anew with Fawn (or Mysti, Bambi, or Raine, or all three if part of a religious cult) because my DNA insists that I bed down with a neurasthenic, long-legged nymphette with a Brazilian wax who's been on the pill since she was thirteen, eats only kiwis and egg whites, and who's going to clearly be the one to mother my next litter of children. Kiss the grandkids for me!")
Obviously, people have different perspectives on what counts as "too young." Some might agree with Phyllis Diller that your date is too young only if he writes his love letters in Crayola, if his pajamas have feet, or he flies for half-fare. After all, as Ms. Diller says, "You don't want to be going through change-of-life the same time your date is going through change-of-voice."
Diller seems to be echoing "Moms" Mably in her comments. One of good ol' "Moms" routines, she used to say, "One day my granny was sitting on the porch, and I said, ‘Granny, how old does a woman get before she don't want no more boyfriends?' (She was around 106 then.) She said, ‘I don't know, Honey. You have to ask someone older than me.' She said, ‘A woman is a woman as long as she lives; there's a certain time in a man's life when he has to go to a place called over the hill.'"
That's not a howl from the cougars that you're hearing-it's a long and throaty laugh.
