Life is great, but it isn’t easy, and that’s why my last post has attracted close to 18,000 readers in about a week. That’s a lot of readers—-even my post dissing TWILIGHT only received about half as many responses, although many were as equally vituperative.
And, happily, by no means were all the comments regarding the “Why Anti-feminism is… Unsexy” post nasty or mean—many were wiser and funnier than I could have imagined.
One of my favorites was written in response to Kanazawa’s assertion that “any reasonably attractive young woman exercises as much power over men as the male ruler of the world does over women” to which this reader gleefully and wickedly replies “RAYW… really actually can command armies solely with their vagina! And men love sex so much throughout history they deny women access to education, professions outside the home, make them take men's name, and deny them their achievements!”
So let’s keep making trouble: let’s talk about the larger issues raised when a young reasonably attractive woman attaches herself romantically to an older man in a position of power.
Let’s define “Very Young Attractive Women” s those are those barely at a legal drinking age (it’s tough to drink Dom Perignon when the woman you’re taking out to dinner still orders a Diet Dr. Pepper, so most of these babes have legal I.D.). These are not the ones who still order Happy Meals on a regular basis. But if her Dad is closer in age to the guy she pursues than she is and if her Mom has to be called in for questioning at the Vice-Principal’s (or the Special Prosecutor’s) request in order to answer questions about her child’s behaviors and whereabouts, then she is Very Young.
She’s young enough to want to Sleep With The Boss, but not old enough to want to Be The Boss. That’s an interesting part of a woman’s life, let me tell you, and one we need to explore.
What is she (this quintessential Girly RAYW character) going after when she goes after the idolized older man?
I say it’s pride, rather than lust, motivating her. I know for a fact that she’s not talking herself into this, either; she really feels the longing to be on this older guy’s arm, sitting on his lap, lying across his bed. The boss--genuinely, sincerely, absolutely--appeals to the young woman. The girly girl sighs, pouts, and swoons over the idea of him, even when he looks like Yoda. Or, heaven help us, Donald Trump.
Why?
I feel confident about discussing the allure of the boss because I’ve been that RAYW. I’m not her anymore, however, and these days for me to develop a crush on a much older man would involve learning how to use techniques of flirtation most often witnessed on the television program E.R. when the entire team is yelling “Clear!”
But in my day I’ve had crushes on pretty much every guy I looked up to, worked for, or whose class I attended. There was no common denominator between them except for the fact that they all ran the show.
So it’s not that I don’t like older and powerful men. Some are sort of cute. Even the ones who aren’t cute often exude an intriguing mix of power, charm, and savior faire (French for “lots o’ money”), all of which makes them attractive to the typical young woman. Such guys might especially appeal to a significantly younger woman within their circle of influence even when their allure is starting to fade among those ladies who have known them longer, better, or before they joined The Hair Club For Men. Or Limb Club For Men, for that matter.
The young woman in their thrall, however, swears that from a certain angle the boss looks like Liam Neilson, Daniel Day Lewis, Josh Hartnett, or any other alpha male who can act the chin-clenching-but-secretly-vulnerable role to perfection.
This happens to almost every woman at some point in her life: she falls for an inappropriate man. She makes him the center of her attention and desires, and she becomes oblivious to his disinterest. I remember telling a friend that I was relieved to find my therapist unattractive; I described him as a bulky man with thin lips. “Yeah,” she said, “Give it three months and you’ll be talking about how terribly adorable his thin lips are.”
But most women can recognize, after a certain point in the fantasy, that these relationships will not necessarily yield the real-life romance they're looking for. In most cases, the woman will then turn her affections to more realistic visions: the man sitting next to her at a lecture, the friend working beside her in the office, a gentleman who will listen to her without billing Blue Cross.
I’m not the only one making this gross generalization. Remember the wonderful mid-life crisis movie, City Slickers? At one point Billy Crystal explains the whole situation very clearly: “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” And we all remember his other great line, where he suggests that a friend start examining his relationship preferences: “Have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get?” Crystal’s character asks, ”Pretty soon you’ll be dating sperm.”
Let’s face it: some (perhaps not all, but certainly some) fellows regard attempted seduction any new female in their territory as a sort of extracurricular service, regarding as both their right and their duty. And I’m not male-bashing here, or even engaging in the kind of sexual elitism as egregious and damaging as that perpetrated by the worst of the bad old system. Trust me, I am thrilled to believe that things change for the better and that the men who accept positions of authority are respectful in all ways of those younger and more vulnerable than themselves.
I also fully believe--because I have seen it--that male mentors and bosses can encourage, inspire, nurture, and support the women in their midst without ever casting a shadow of inappropriate sexuality, and that the increasing number of women leaders can do the same with the young men who pass through their offices.
But I also believe that if young women fall for the powerful man, there are also powerful men who will fall for the young woman. I know men who believe that a ripe female employee of their very own is one of the perquisites of the job, something between a company car and a really terrific dental plan. I know otherwise quite decent men who lurk near the desk of women whose livelihoods depends in part on following the whims and orders of their bosses, who might feel as if they have to look interested in order to keep their jobs. (This scenario should remind us of Judy Holliday’s classic response to a director who was chasing her around a casting couch: at one point she stopped, removed the falsies she was wearing, and-- handing two spheres of foam rubber to her pursuer--said “I believe it’s these you’re after”).
Their seductions most accurately translate into the following: “I’m attracted to you sexually and would like to begin a relationship. But you must understand that our affair--and make no mistake about it, it will be an affair and not the beginning of a primary relationship--will have to remain clandestine, be short-termed, and run completely according to my schedule. Okay?”
But if our culture encourages young women to go after powerful men, it equally suggests that powerful men have every right to go after young women. A friend of mine was recently claiming a morally righteous stance when I questioned him concerning his predilection for dating women much younger than himself. He brought up the award-winning film with Jack Nicholson, As Good As It Gets, wherein Nicholson is beloved by the much younger star, Helen Hunt. Citing the undeniable nature of this cinematic evidence for the sound nature of his position, I nevertheless suggested that he repeat to himself the following: “I am not Jack, what I saw was a fictional movie, and I should not believe that It Gets That Good For Me.”
Finally, what is most curious about the attraction between publicly powerful men and younger, less powerful women is that, for both, the object of desire is pretty much indistinguishable from any other object occupying the same position.
That's not how grown-ups have relationships.
The fun part about real and grwon-up relationships is, after all, the knowledge that you are loved and admired for who you are, not for what you do or how you look or because you showed up at the right place when somebody was feeling amorous. This is what should make us genuinely proud: the thought that we can, despite the odds, despite all the false allurements out there, construct a meaningful relationship with somebody we actually know.
Simple? Yes. Easy? No.
That’s why it is an accomplishment.
