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As a father of four and a professional committed to youth development, I spend a great deal of time thinking about parenting. Specifically, I have been pondering the goals of parenting.
When I ask a parent “what do you want for your child”, he or she will typically say, “I just want them to be happy”. When pressed, most parents seem to understand that their role is to keep their children safe (both physically and emotionally) and to prepare them to be successful, independent adults.
These two goals are at odds with each other: keeping a child safe often shelters her from the experiences that will enable her to grow. Stressing opportunities for independence and skill-acquisition can put a child in a position to experience fear, failure and discomfort.
When I think of these two goals, I see the former (providing safety) as the primary goal of early parenting and the latter (fostering independence and success) as the goal of later parenting. In other words, when the newborn infant is in his parent’s arms, the job is 99.99 percent about safety and protection. When later that same child is leaving for college or the work place, the parent’s job had better be 99.99 percent about fostering independence and success.
With this framework in place, let me share observations on parenting errors stemming from both of these goals. This article with focus on the first error (“Super-Charging Safety”) while the next article will discuss the second (“Struggle to Define Success”).
Super-Charging Safety
The typical American parent is an over-achiever on the safety front. We baby-proof our homes, buy the best car seats and require our children to wear bike helmets. We are more focused than our parents and grandparents were on the safety of our children.
We are also more focused on emotional safety. We worry more about social cruelty, self-esteem and feelings than did our parents.
I, however, fear that we have become too focused on safety and insufficiently focused on the transition to independence and skills.
We have all read about the “helicopter” parent who frets over every aspect of his or her child’s life. From diet (gluten, peanuts, corn syrup, oh my!) to stranger danger to hurt feelings after a poor grade; these incredibly loving and committed parents strive to give their child a “perfect” life. They intercede with coaches to suggest more playing time at second base, lobby the school principal to assure the “best” teachers and even attempt to choose the “right” friends for their children. They are micro-mangers, coaches and advocates for their children in all areas of life.
Over the two decades I have worked with parents, this trend is impossible to ignore. In fact, it is the second most powerful trend I have noticed, followed only by the transformative nature of technology.
Let me be clear, I believe safety is critical. Safety is the foundation that underpins all positive childhood experiences. An unsafe environment impedes emotional growth and can even threaten physical well-being.
But when we transform “safety” into “elimination of discomfort” we also impede growth. Further, while we should strive for safety, we must also understand that “perfect safety” is an unreasonable and even unhelpful goal. To give an extreme example, a parent who strives for “perfect safety” would never put a child into a car. Every automobile ride incurs risk from malfunctions, driver error or the error of other drivers. Yet a life lived in one location without school or other activities is not really a life I think any child should live.
As we strive for “perfect safety” and “elimination of discomfort”, incredibly committed and well-intended parents begin to create more problems than they solve. Let me stress that they are usually unaware of this fact.
As Michael Thompson (co-author of Raising Cain and the author of the upcoming book Homesick and Happy) writes, “I am deeply convinced that the presence of Mom and Dad does not add value to a child’s every experience.”
For example, a parent who micro-manages her child’s friendships is not allowing the child to attain independence and confidence in important ways. Children should be able to work out their own inevitable conflicts in childhood friendships; it gives them practice for relationships later in life. It is also developmentally appropriate for children to strive for a separation and independence from their parents, particularly in the teen years. Choosing friends is an important part of this equation.
As a camp owner, I constantly see parents struggle with the idea of sending their children to camp. They cannot pinpoint the exact nature of their fears, but the idea of their child navigating an unfamiliar environment (even a loving and supportive one) without their help makes them deeply uncomfortable. Each one of them wants his or her child to eventually go to college and have a life (despite a few jokes to the contrary, I do not think parents want to room with their children at college), they seem frozen in protection mode.
Yet how does a child learn than she can thrive independent of her parents unless she has experiences independent of her parents? How does a child learn that he has the “goods” to overcome challenges unless he overcomes a few? Sure, she might get homesick at camp or he might initially fail in his effort to learn a new skill, but those struggles are part of the learning process. Once success is achieved, the child knows that future successes are possible.
In other words, we do not transition well from the protection mode to the foster independence mode.
As a result, these loving parents are protecting their children from experiences that will stretch them, provide true self-esteem (trophies for participation do not count) and cultivate the interpersonal skills necessary to thrive as an adult.
