As I read Sandeep's response to my blog, I had two thoughts. First, I agree with him entirely. Second, I wonder if he really read my blog.
To read his response, you would think that I espoused absentee parenting. Or, if not that, I at least believe that children should suffer and fail to toughen them up.
I think he missed my point. My article was interested in a trend of parenting that attempts to protect children from pain, fight their battles for them and desperately try to give them feelings of success without allowing them to have the experiences that allow for true success.
I agree that children need love, support and consistency. Attachment is critical. I am all for that.
I also know that children must leave the home. The critical challenge is to decide when to validate and when to challenge.
If I were writing an article for early 20th Century England, I would be stressing the need for love, attachment and support. That culture created independent people. It also generated many emotionally unavailable people.
We, however, are not in London in 1930. We are in the United States in the 21st Century. The parenting pendulum has swung toward overprotection. Many parents attempt to persuade teachers to go easy on a cheating child, they provide meaningless trophies for sports and they eschew experiences that stretch their children.
As a youth development professional that sees over 1200 children a year, I can attest to this trend.
Let me be clear. These parents deeply love their children. In fact, I think their deep love is the source of their over-parenting. There are many contributing factors to this trend that make it understandable: media hype of parenting mistakes, competitive parenting and reduced family size (providing more time per child). Despite the easy to understand reasons, it does not change the trend.
Sandeep also suggests that I see virtue in failure and suffering. I do not. I am not an aesthete. I, however, am a realist. I know that live has both thrilling victories and challenging moments. We also live in a world that sees some efforts as successful and others as failures. I would like my own 4 children (and my campers as well) to live a life without failure, but I know that to be a ridiculous wish. If that is not attainable, I wish instead that they have a framework that enables them to see failures/challenges as growth opportunities; to see struggle as a necessary part of life.
Having said this, I must take responsibility for the fact that my thesis might simply have been poorly articulated. Let me summarize it.
- As a nation, the parenting pendulum has swung toward over-protecting our children,
- Children need love and consistency, but they must also learn to grow apart from their parents
- Failure is inevitable; successful people develop a framework that accepts this and makes them resilient.
Having said all of this, I want to thank Sandeep for writing his piece. If, as his response suggests, I wrote unclearly, I appreciate his letting me know and giving me the opportunity to articulate my views better.
