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Recently I've read some wonderfully instructive tips about how to help children with autism better handle the holidays.
Posts from the Autism Society, National Autism Resources and others have a similar thesis: The holidays are noisy, disruptive and difficult for kids with autism, so plan ahead to make things go more smoothly for your child. Helping the child with autism, of course, makes things easier for the whole family.
When I was a child, my family, as Catholics, celebrated the full advent season and Christmas with all its pageantry.
Here's how we thought ahead about my sister, Margaret, and the craziness of Christmas. We thought, "Christmas. Margaret. Oh, crap."
That's what my three siblings and I did. Of course my parents did much more than that, knowing that every mass, advent candle lighting and social occasion would be terribly difficult for Margaret. (And, consequently, for the rest of us.)
My parents did their level best, and this was back in the day when most people didn't know what autism was, and my folks certainly didn't have helpful tips at their disposal. They were feeling their way in the dark.
In the spirit of better lighting the way, I will make a few suggestions to parents about how to help their neuro-typical kids enjoy the holidays, too.
Religious celebrations: Holiday services are special, but kids with autism can find them over-stimulating. In our case, Margaret loved the music at Christmas mass, but only when the musicians stayed on key. When they failed, as they often did, my sister's perfect sense of pitch sounded the alarm. And I mean that literally. She'd stick her fingers in her ears and screech. This made Christmas mass memorable, but not in the way you might hope.
Consider asking a friend or relative to stay at home with your child with autism while the rest of the family goes to the service. Alternatively, some churches, like ours, have quiet areas where parents can listen to the service with restless kids and still participate.
Mealtimes: As I have written elsewhere, my sister has perfected the Six-and-a-Half Minute Meal. Lounging around the table for hours with the rest of the family is not something that she has ever enjoyed, so why would holiday meals be any exception?
Insisting that she join a table full of relatives and friends for grace, toasts, extended conversation and the interminable passing of the food made her anxious, which often made her scream or throw things. This made the rest of us feel like screaming and throwing things, and Margaret frequently left the table anyway after upsetting everyone else.
We found it advisable to set a place for her and welcome her to sit there when and if she chose to. Sometimes she did. Other times Margaret took her plate to the living room. From there she enjoyed Christmas dinner on her own terms still within earshot of the table.
This allowed the rest of us kids to enjoy the special occasion of a formal meal with our parents and not worry about anyone flinging ham across the table.
Gift opening: Opening gifts for children with autism is often stressful, whether it's because they have to wait their turn or because it is noisy and confusing. Forcing them to participate in a traditional way can be upsetting for them, and their brothers and sisters, who might miss out if forced to rush through this portion of the holiday in an effort to appease their siblings.
Our present opening took place in the living room, which was where Margaret spent much time listening to music. She was always quite happy when we finished up and ceded her space.
Don't get me wrong: My sister loves presents. She just doesn't like the fuss.
Holiday activities: Outdoor activities like sledding and ice skating are really special for little kids. So are indoor events like concerts, holiday parties and performances.
If these are the kinds of activities your child with autism doesn't handle well, don't make her go, but make yourself go - at least sometimes. Find a family member or friend who can do something else that child will enjoy and go with your other kids. Your child with autism will likely grow into these activities, and you won't miss out on this special time with your other kids.
Be patient: With your other kids and with yourself. Remember you are all doing your best, and that's all you can do.
Happy Holidays!
