Who’s Telling Whom How Many Kids to Have?

In a recent post, Seth Meyers presented a strong case for having two—or more—children. He states, “As the parent of two and a psychologist who has worked with children ages birth to 5 years, I understand the wish to have only one child. I see many parents who decided to have only one child, and they seem awfully peaceful! They often give gobs of attention to the one child, which means that the only child must feel extremely loved and attended to.”

I say, “What’s wrong with that?” We know from decades of research that parental time and attention are invaluable for a child’s development. Meyers then asks, “But is it selfish of parents to have only one child?” Obviously he thinks so when he then remarks that “having only one child shortchanges the only child out of one of the most important relationships an individual can have in this lifetime: the relationship with one or more siblings.”

Of course, while there are many wonderful sibling relationships, there are also tales of hateful, even abusive sibling relationships that can last a lifetime. The research on sibling interactions and the emotional damage that siblings can incur are provoking enough to make parents facing family size dilemmas wonder how crucial siblings are…or are not. See: The Dark Side of Siblings and Who is the Most Violent Person in Your Family?

Certainly, family life isn’t automatically rosy with the addition of another child, a reality Meyers glosses over. If nothing else, Meyers and others seem to continue to fuel only child stereotypes that are long overdue for burial.

One Child: “Not a Disease, but Child Abuse”

Family size is a multi-dimensional decision that affects individuals in unique ways and suggesting that having more than one child is best for all children and all families is too narrow an implication to make.

Meyers is not alone in recommending two-plus child families. In a regrettably condescending tone, Jennifer Graham, a freelance journalist for the Boston Globe, wrote in an op-ed piece:

“In the 1800s, the Harvard-educated psychologist G. Stanley Hall conducted a study of ‘peculiar and exceptional children’ and concluded that being an only child is akin to having an incurable disease.” Graham continued, “He was wrong, of course. It’s not a disease, but child abuse—a cruelty that only gets worse as the Baby Boomers age.”

She believes, as does economist Bryan Caplan, that having more kids is always better. Caplan, a professor at George Mason University, argues that "good parenting is less work and more fun than people think" and that should be reason enough to have more children.

Broad blanket statements about the best family size make me think that neither Meyers, nor Graham, nor Caplan have considered parents who want more children and cannot have them. Nor do I believe that they have sensitively addressed other crucial factors that affect family size: maternal health issues or postpartum depression, fertility problems a couple may face and the heartbreak that goes with them, parents’ ages and other family responsibilities, as well as economic concerns. All these elements make family life happy or unhappy for a child and parents; they should be weighed before positing that the ideal family is comprised of two or more children.

I believe it is crucial for couples to come to their own decision about how many children they raise without being told one family size may be better than another and without being influenced by stereotypes that no longer hold up to scrutiny.

Related: 6 Well-Kept Secrets that Affect Family Size and Why Stereotypes Stick

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Copyright @ 2013 by Susan Newman

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