Much of Bringing Up Bebe is devoted to why American parents should become more authoritative like French parents, but central to Druckerman's thesis is in the importance of the couple's relationship, putting it in a premiere position ahead of the children.
Druckerman reminds her readers of Dr. Spock, the parenting guru for the ages. He advised American parents to spend quality time with each other, but only after they make "all the necessary sacrifice of time and effort to your children." "Children first" is the dictum of the American parenting culture; bringing the children along on the honeymoon is but one example. A large majority of American parents are caught up in a culture of yes-parenting and in raising "star" children and devote themselves to it.
Because of the pervasive "star" aspiration and the competitiveness involved, middle and upper income American parents whether they have one child or five, become obsessive about their children's success. Life centers around the children and their activities dictate the family's schedule. Unlike children in French households, American children rule family life and the couple relationship can suffer. We know, for example, American parents argue about child related issues more than they do about money. Almost 40 percent of a couple's disagreements revolve around a child or children versus 20 percent that center on money.
In contrast, the French, Druckerman reports, put considerable effort into their marriages and partnerships. The author acknowledges that some parents do focus solely on their children, "but unlike in the United States or Britain, the culture doesn't encourage or reward this. Sacrificing your sex life for your kids is considered wildly unhealthy and out of balance." For the French, romantic life is paramount and many French women follow lengthy perineal reeducation protocols to put their pelvic floors back in shape after giving birth, and the government in some cases helps pay for tummy tucks. In other words, Druckerman notes, "the mother and father are supposed to find their equilibrium as a couple again" as soon as possible after a child is born.
References:
Druckerman, Pamela. Bring Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. New York: The Penguin Press, 2012.
Papp, Lauren, Cummings, E. Mark, E., and Goeke-Morey, Marcie C., "For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home," Family Relations, 2009, Volume 58: 91-103.
Copyright 2012 by Susan Newman
Susan Newman, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and author. Her latest book is The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide.
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