Singletons

Thank you for the intelligent discussion and research on a tough topic.

I have one child. I often add the caveat, "Yeah, I'm a wimp, but I'm still married!"
I remember one 2:45am feeding when our son was 6 months old having a conversation with myself, "I cannot do this again. Yes you can, you just need to get through this. You'll come to a point where you can do it again. " I never did. I was done.

Neighbors, family and friends were appalled that we would make that decision. "What about your son? He'll grow up ALONE." Actually, we've intentionally surrounded him with friends, sleepovers, and learning how to get along with a wide variety of people. While he's had our attention, he's had to learn to be alone and enjoy being with himself.

The down side is that we are almost always the initiators, are quickly assumed that our kid is spoiled rotten until they spend time with us, and are often the brunt of comments, "Well, you only have one, you wouldn't understand." We do understand this: we have college nearly saved for, have enjoyed our social network that we wouldn't have worked so hard if we had more kids, and seriously appreciate both getting to watch his sporting events without splitting time between siblings.

Our son is 12 now. We do have fleeting moments of "what if". We also have agreed that there was no window of time where we both felt ready and able to take on another child.

I once heard a quote from a mom of 7 who said, "All you have is 100%. Regardless of how many kids, you still only have 100%." I really enjoy pouring 100% into one.

I'm content, still married, and maybe not so "wimpy" after all.
Thanks again for the article.

I'm interested in the research regarding the happiness of mothers declining after having more than one child. On the one hand, this is not surprising, since having children is naturally stressful. On the other, you ask what made people chose to have more? I have three, and was aware that each child would add to the short-term stress, but intuitively, I felt that many years down the road, having more than one would ultimately pay off in happiness (through having larger family connections, more grandchildren, more kids to visit, and even (selfishly) take care of us, etc). I'm curious as if there are any long term 'happiness' studies that would confirm or deny that intuition.

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but it took me 8 years and numerous medical interventions to get my one child. She's only 6 months old now but I want to try again. I think the first 3-4 years are harder when you have more than one, but after that, if you're lucky, the children play together and build their own relationship. And I really want my daughter to have a sibling to turn to when she's an adult.

Oh, I dunno about families with singletons being happier; this may be a case of being able to research anything and get the conclusion you're looking for. Plus, happiness is a very slippery concept. What IS happy? I don't see my two kids as making me happy -- or unhappy. I knew I wanted more than one, so I guess a natural conclusion of that would be that I would have been less happy if for some reason I had to stop at one. But each child is of course unique; I admit that when I got pregnant with #2 I had a mild panic -- thinking my first son was quite enough and what the hell was I doing?? But now that son #2 is five years old, I can't imagine my life as a mother, or our family, in any other way. Each kid adds something undefinable, each kid takes something away.

Denise
www.confessionsofameanmommy.com

I couldn't agree more with Denise Schipani's comment, most of all this part: "I don't see my two kids as making me happy -- or unhappy."

I think anybody who goes into motherhood expecting their kids to MAKE them happy is in for a rude awakening.

I have five children, and while my life is more stressful in some ways than it was when I had one, it's also easier in a lot of ways, and I'm more relaxed and confident now. Also, I look forward to a time of my life (fast approaching) when having a larger family will continue to add to my happiness by having children of their own. Just as the desire to hold a sleepy, good-smelling newborn (that'll stay that way for all of two weeks) isn't a long-lasting-enough reason to commit to having another child, the temporary stresses that come with each addition aren't long-lasting-enough reasons to steer clear. Keeping expectations firmly in check, I think, could do a lot to stave off any perceived reduction in happiness when having more kids.

And it all comes down to what you most value and crave in your *specific* life, right? If big gatherings don't particularly appeal to you and you'd rather have a quieter family life, then having a smaller family probably is what will make you happy. If the necessary tradeoffs of time, energy or money aren't worth the additional family members in your world, then stopping at one is probably a good idea. I just think it's a pretty big leap to state "mothers with one child are happiest". Happiest how? Happiest according to whom? Happiest by which standards? Happiest for how long?

Meagan
www.thehappiestmom.com

But I'm an only child, and so is my husband, and I can tell you that BEING an only child feels awful for us. Neither one of us liked it. I don't know if our parents are any happier for only having one (not that they didn't try, just weren't able) but I know that my husband and I are missing out on having siblings, and it affects everything about our lives. Nobody else to share responsibility of taking care of our aging parents, and nobody to understand what it was like being raised by our parents. To put it lightly - it sucks. That's our personal experience anyway.

My mom always says she envisioned have three kids "to fill the back seat." Probably because she came from a family of four kids and my dad from a family of five kids. But the time was never right, she adds (and my dad, it seems, never adjusted to how much I disrupted their lives - yes, he hasn't forgiven me for that yet). I was a lonely kid, but never specifically felt a sibling was what I needed. Who knows? When it was my turn, I decided I've have two kids, and then almost decided on another, but my first marriage was terrible by then. Do I wish I'd had more, one way or another? Perhaps, in a very long-term sense, but I don't think I would have remained sane while raising them. Money was tight, patience was at a premium, and the two I had very often didn't get along. Reality, in other words. Not everyone's reality, obviously, which is why such decisions have to be made subjectively.

I can't help but feel that if an honest, accurate and enlightening answer to a question of "Are mothers' with one child the happiest?" is to be established, you would need to ask/survey the whole of our population; every mother in Australia (for example); ask what makes a mother 'happy'; why she is 'happy' and so on.
I personally know many mums who have many children. They are happy. They are happy because they feel blessed to have the presence and the love of their brood; a knowingness of the joy of simple and realistic pleasures that your respective brood can bring to you and you with them and so on. Yet, I know other mums who have one child only for varying reasons, who feel they are equally happy.
Each mum's 'set' of priorities, of what brings them happiness, is different. Some are very similar too.
I know I may not desire alot of money - to buy happiness; happiness is not a tangible substance which can be bought, traded or passed from another. Happiness, for me, comes from within and is influenced by my environment and my own self perception of what enhances my happiness. So, I feel that happiness as a parent doesn't come from the number of children you have, necessariy - it eminates from what brings you warmth and joy in your soul.
So, of course, each to their own.
The greatest joy for me is in sharing my life with my three children (even through the 'ups' and the occaisional 'downs') - wish I was young enough to give the gift of life and love to perhaps a couple more of my own :)
Cheers.

I was 39 and single when my daughter was born and since I always wanted to be a mother, I took on single motherhood without hesitation.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I have a headache everyday, and because I was laid off a year and a half ago, I deal with a lot of stress. But my daughter was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and luckily medical marijuana is now legal.

Oh... I got a job today.

But I still think about having another child. I'm not sure I can give birth again, but I think about adopting a boy in the future.

Thank you for the interesting comments and discussion. My husband and I always spoke of having two kids when we first got married. When my son was born 6 weeks premature with a collapsed lung and pneumonia, it very traumatic for both of us having him in the NICU. It turns out that I have a medical issue which would require bed rest for a second pregnancy. We both knew right away that not only did our son totally fulfill us, but that we did not want to invite a stressful situation into our life by having a second with potential medical problems. My son now has asthma which he has been hospitalized for. I often wonder how I could give him the care he needs, and give a sibling the attention they deserve. I often get comments like, "If you really wanted another you could power through" Or, "What about adoption?" My answer is that, until you have been in my shoes, you can't know how I feel.

My son is three and a half now, and I will be 37 this year, so I am pretty sure this is it for us. Actually Dr. Newman's book "Parenting an Only Child" helped me finalize my decision. It made me realize my son would probably be better off, not deprived, as an only. I know a lot of woman have one due to careers etc, but for me, with one, I can afford to stay home. I am involved in my son's preschool, and am able to take him to fun activities, etc which he loves. If I had another, I would need to work to help provide for them.

Vikki, it was very inspiring to read your post and see that I am not alone in my decision. I too am totally content with one. I am wondering if there is a forum to connect with other parents of only children?

I'm not surprised that a short term study would find mothers of just one happiest. In most families, however, that accounts for exactly one-third of the equation.
As for the youngest third, I was convinced the opposite is true by an [accidental] survey of kids. While it would never qualify as scientifically rigorous, I think most researchers would have trouble matching the size of the sample group. I was in charge of an online writing program at a large private educational organization in Asia. The question was a standard opinion essay-- 'Would you rather have siblings or be an only child?' We ran the topic for three trimesters, nationally, before retiring it. Each time, more than 10,000 students submitted essays. When I surveyed the army of instructors we had correcting these essays, the [yes, informal and fuzzy results] showed that nearly all of the respondents, whether they had siblings or were singletons, explicitly stated that they would prefer to have siblings—I’m talking around 99%. Some wished they could trade in their siblings for better ones or wished for separate living arrangements, naturally, but among better than thirty-thousand answers, there was a conspicuous absence of enthusiasm for being an only child, especially among the only children. You can argue that some of that is cultural, but it would be a weak argument, with only children being the rule rather than the exception now in East Asia.
I am an only child, and growing up, I hated it. I am currently, and without apology, actively lobbying my wife for a second child. I think it might be true that she would be less stressed, if not actually happier, if we stopped with one. I don't believe that would be true for our son. Sometimes considerations conflict in a family. I'm confident that my son would probably prefer having a sibling that drives him crazy to growing up without one, and I’m taking sides on this one.
While I applaud support for families that choose whatever they choose, I don't like media stances that treat mothers' considerations as the only valid ones.

Thank you for weighing in. Is there a report of any sort that summarizes the essays/"findings"?

"Taking sides." You should. However, the decision to have a child be it the first for fourth or more should be a joint one. The only family members who should not have a "vote" are children. Children are not the people who will be raising or supporting the family. Enthusiasm on the part of both parents for adding to the family is the ideal...and is what will ultimately make everyone happiest.

Thank you for the interesting and thought provoking article.

I have four children and wanted that many for as long as I can remember. They bring me so much joy, but whether or not I'd "be happy" was not really my motivation. To be honest, part of my reasoning was that statistically speaking with four, the odds are good that at least one or two will outlive me!

As the daughter of two "interesting" older parents, I am so grateful for the friendship I have with my brother and sister. As children of the same parents, they can relate to some of the issues I am dealing with my parents like no one else. I'm sure the years when we were small was as busy for my mother as my recent years have been, but I am so grateful for the gift of those relationships.

In fact, I have jokingly suggested that when my kids are in their thirties and forties I will go all haywire just to help my kids cement their relationships! The decision about one child or many is deeply personal and should be based on something beyond one's own happiness. Sometimes I think that if one has one child, the best gift we can give them is an ally in growing up in a crazy world with odd parents.

I am an only child, now in my early twenties. There are pro's and con's to most situations, as there are for this topic. Growing up and seeing my friends live alongside their siblings - they were never without a playmate when desperate, they had someone to toughen them up from the constant elbowing... I liked having my own toys, but now I see that having a sibling would have taught me to share, to not be so uptight when a toy of mine was broken, shirt was returned with a stain, etc. (Yes, I'm female.) This world is a pretty tough place, and I think that most children with siblings are in some way pre-disposed to be a little tougher as adults than those without siblings, and they learn to not take things so personally.

I would have loved to have had an older/younger brother/sister growing up, someone to share a such an intimate bond with. I have several friends with siblings, and I envy the guaranteed companionship that they have - the unspoken closeness they share.

But then again, I don't have a little brother or sister asking to crash on my couch, borrow my car, or borrow money from me. I focus on these pro's, and try not to think about the guaranteed friend that I might have had.

Thanks to the Forrest Gump marathon that was played on TV all weekend: Brothers and sisters are like a box of chocolates - you never know what [kind of sibling relationship] you're gonna get. :)

I hated being an only. I always saw my friends and the wonderful families they had - all loud and bustling and crazy and fun. My husband is an only too, and now we have FOUR divorces parents to take care of between us.

Thanks for subjecting us to that Mom and Dad.

We're having two or three, so at least they can share all teh good things and bad things, and not be so alone.

Never for a second have I doubted my decision to stop after having one child. I enjoy connecting with my daughter and being able to devote time to her. She is 13 and is turning into a pretty cool person. Some of my friends have several children. They are beautiful families...but I've noticed they are way more stressed, financially strapped, and exhausted than my husband and I. Its easy for us (just us 3) to hop in the car to go for a drive, take in a movie, go for a hike, or go out to eat. Those spontaneous activities are nearly impossible for some of our friends with more kids. We were selfish. We stopped with one. We envision a day when she is done with college and enjoying her own life...and we are on vacation running our toes into the sand. If my daughter is angry with me for not having more children and wishes to have more for herself when the time come...that's cool...when her time comes it will be about her and her decisions. When it was my time it was about me and my decisions. Life is great that way. I am happy. Very happy.