I just wanted to let you know how much sense your column on the newly empty-nested made. If I read you right, those of us who started loosening the parental controls early in our child-rearing days are surviving the empty nest shock better. And we earned it.
As a layman [non-therapist], I've been covering some of these issues on my blog www.grownchildren.com--passing along sound advice [I'll be posting a reference to your column] and sharing real-life experiences with others.

i think this article is very useful

For starters, I am flattered that my post struck such a chord that Susan made it the topic of her blog. That's the purpose of these posts...to get people thinking and reacting. And it is precisely for this reason I feel the need to respond to this blog.

In my opinion, Susan totally misunderstands the real meaning of my post, Confessions of a Mother in Mourning. I wrote about the sadness I (and apparently many other parents) feel recognizing that a certain stage in one's life is over. The kids have flown the coop. And while it's true that when young adults leave home, it opens up many new horizons for parents, it's also true that endings often bring a sense of loss. Feelings of loss are not unhealthy, they are a sign of love, connection and caring. What is unhealthy is the mistaken but common notion that feelings cause people to act in certain ways. In other words, if I'm sad about my child leaving home, I will behave in ways that will signal these feelings and "lay a guilt trip" on my child.

I can't speak for other mothers, but I can speak for myself. I would never try to slow my children down in their remarkable journeys in life. They are incredible successful, independent and self-confident human beings and of this, I am very proud. I have no difficulty experiencing diametrically opposed feelings at one time- sadness and pride- and feel no compunction whatsoever to act on my feelings of grief other than to normalize it when others share this emotion and encourage them to find ways to fill the void. In other words, it's possible to feel sadness and not behave in ways that are self-centered or that would thwart our children's growth.

But the truth is, if you read my entire post and the responses it prompted, you will see that I'm am really just repeating myself since I already addressed this issue. For example, when a young person asked me what she should do because she felt guilty leaving her single mother behind, I simply responded:

"It's not your job. It is lovely that you care about her feelings. But she is an adult and she must find ways to make her life fulfilling without you. All parents need to do this, even single ones. I know you love her, and you should keep in touch with her. But she should reassure you that she is fine(even if she is lonely), because it is YOUR job to spread your wings right now and fly. Let her know you love her but keep flying."

Don't be afraid to feel. Emotions make life rich. But be mindful about how you treat others. That's the real lesson here.

I am now more than a decade past shipping my two kids off to college. They've graduated, started careers, moved to other cities and coasts, are leading successful and independent lives: just what any parent could wish. I couldn't feel better about them. And yet, I still remember to this day the first month of the empty nest--my children are one year apart in school years and when my youngest left, the house was suddenly so cold, so empty. No dreadful music blaring from the stereo; no basketball being bounced in the living room. My husband and I, who've had a good marriage, became quarrelsome. It took a while to realize that we were both feeling incredibly sad at the loss--it is a loss, no matter how happy we are to see them set those feet on the road to independence. And as in any marriage, it always helps when one is feeling up when the other is going through a down. But here we were, both down. We got through it and started to enjoy the next stage in our lives. But there are competing emotions, as Michele Weiner-Davis points out. Hopefully, we never transmitted the sad ones, only the glad ones, to our kids. Evidently, they felt guilt-free enough to move about the country.

I'm hugely sentimental; we relive moments and milestones with the same sadness and loss felt by most parents at the time and years later. Whether or not you make your children aware of your feelings and how you do that is my point. Clearly penpen you let go without weighing down your children. You wrote: "Evidently, they felt guilt-free to move about the country."

Don't you think this is so typical of us women..telling each other how to be the best kind of mom all of which involves sacrificing more, more more..of ourselves...Of course children should know their parents feel sad when they leave home. The mom advocating expressing only pride and encouragement as healthy is really the over protective parents since she is protecting the child from the reality of nature...i live on a farm and our mummy cows "ball" for days when their 2 year olds are seperated from them! For heaven sakes, its nature and kids should see this reality. The kid who can't handle the burden of a teary mom has got some growing to do? If you've done your job my thinking is that they can handle mom's real emotions! Her teary moments as part of the process. As long as they don't become debilitating for her or her offspring. She's been told since this kid's birth that the best mother's bond, breastfeed, nuture, put their needs second etc and now she's to just feel only excitement when they seperate.A pretty tall order once again.

My mom is exactly like this. I just finished up college and recently married my college sweet-heart. My mom was mortified, still convinced that I am 17 and new to life. We struggled all through college...my parents refused to let me live in the dorms my freshman year, saying that they wouldn't pay for my education unless I lived at home. When I moved away sophomore year, my mom would threaten to call the police to check up on me if I didn't call her every two days. They had access to my bank account, my school account, my social security number and all of my insurance information. If I wanted ANYTHING, I had to go through them. This struggle was hard and never got any better. As a result, I can barely talk to my mom now because every time I do she attempts to strip me of my adulthood. For example, I work as a dermatology PA and am hoping to open my own practice within the next 3 years. My mom told me that I would never get any clients unless I moved back home and she sent her friends to me. I don't know if parents realize this, but those types of statements are really detrimental, especially if someone has heard them for their entire lives. Until I moved away, I felt I was unable to cope on my own. My husband (who is 4 years older) had to show me how to do laundry! My parents tried to control who I was friends with, how I ate, looked, dressed, talked, dated, where I went to school and how I spent the money I earned, and they even tried to control what age I was going to get married (35 in their minds even though I have always wanted a large family and to marry soon after finishing school). Even now, as an adult, I am constantly nervous, I second-guess all of my decisions and I can't handle confrontation. Coincidence? I think not.