I've got a girl and a boy, and I secretly want at least one more child, but I'm a single parent. It's quite true that having only one child bestows the benefit of increased financial stability and a more promising future for your little one. But I have to say that having at least two children benefits in that the child has companionship,learns how to cooperate with others at a very early age, and develops important interpersonal skills that come of learning how to communicate with others within the safety and acceptance of the home environment. I don't advocate for increasing family size without accompanying financial stability. And I try not to make my singleton friends feel disadvantaged for having only one child. But I wouldn't change my set-up for the world. I have a girl and a boy, and watching these two grow up is fulfilling and rewarding. (Of course, being a parent is a thrill, whether you have one child or ten!)

I look forward to reading more blogs from you in the future, ma'am. Keep up the good writing.

You state statistics of the rise in singletons over the years, which I wouldn't doubt the truth of.

But you say "The advantages for a single child outweigh the few disadvantages."

What are the advantages and who says so? Is it about population control? Space?

Because the main focus through the ages has been to bare many children for either hands to work or trying for boys, it's been an important part of many cultures. Women with hips were considered gold because they could bare more children. But as times have obviously changed, doesn't the role of a sibling change as well?

Having only one child seems to be about what the parents want. Having multiples seems to be about 'the kids'. The reaction you receive the most is, "who will they play with?" "they need to learn social skills from each other" "brothers or sisters are there to lean on and grow with all the way up to and through adolescence".

Are you saying (even the social skill aspect - if anything) are not important enough to outweigh disadvantages?

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with your article. I simply feel it is one sided and I'm wondering about the other side.

I want to have 4-6 kids =]
I have 3 brothers and sisters..I had an older brother but he died like 2days after he was born...

I heard that kids with more siblings like have an easier time making friends so that's one of the reasons why I would not like to have one child.

I clearly remember sitting in the back of my parent's station wagon next to my sister on long road trips. There was a definite feeling of "us and them" and I thrived on that feeling. I needed to know that there was someone closer to my perspective of the world that was in the exact same family. In the end, it actually helped me develop autonomy. I could clearly see differences in my sister and I despite our close age and shared enviornment. I don't think a sense of both belonging and individuality can be fostered as easily without siblings. I also feel that the nuclear family serves as a sort of mini-society before kids enter larger social arenas. A family with multiple kids just seems to offer a better opportunity to prepare for the real world.

The advantage of being the sole recipient of a family's resources is a considerable one. However, I have seen a few pretty negative effects as well. The whole weight of their parents' hopes, expectations and attention falls on one child if they are a singleton. Children with siblings get a break as their parents'focus is not on them alone. And later, much later, down the road, when parents become ill or disabled, again singletons are left to carry the whole load without the help of any siblings. They also miss out on the shared memories of childhood when they are only children. Friends are wonderful, but nobody understands your parents and has a better feel for the "culture" of your family than a sibling. It must be lonely to have no one to share that with.

As a parent of an only child (I greatly dislike the term 'singleton'), I wanted to have my say on this topic...

My husband and I had hoped to have a family of two kids but it didn't work out that way. After three failed pregnancies, I had my daughter 4 1/2 years ago. We did try for a second child, but I was unable to get pregnant. I even considered a second round of IVF but at my age (early 40s) the odds were stacked against me. (I had attempted IVF one time prior to conceiving my daughter).

Further, some financial adjustments (spouse losing job and now working freelance while finishing his bachelor's degree) had to be made, which pretty much made it clear that a second child was not meant to be.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I've come to accept it more from a logical than an emotional standpoint. My daughter is a fairly well adjusted child. She is bright, creative and confident -- qualities which children can learn in a stable family environment, regardless of the number of siblings one has. She also goes to daycare and has lots of friends there, and is very close to her cousins (she has several, most close in age to her). My daughter is definitely not lacking for company. Yes, she has asked for a sibling, but I've gently deflected that. Yes, there are those moments when I, too, wish there was a second child for her to play with/argue with/and have that 'special bond" (that us vs. them) that I knew. I also do my best not to overindulge my daughter or make her the center of the universe -- common stereotypes about only children.

My only pet peeve is with people who ask either "Is she your only child" (which assumes that one should have more than one child) or "When are you going to have another?" Oddly enough, it's usually men who ask the latter question.

Are onlies lonely? -- I have several friends who were only children (back during a time when it was the exception rather than the rule). They seem to be the types who make friends easily and have lots of confidence, a quality that doesn't come naturally to me (and I'm the oldest of 3 siblings). Further, they also seem to be much closer to their parents than do children from households with siblings.

However, I have noticed that, interestingly enough, most onlies tend to be parents of more than one child. (Although I do know of some onlies who have never married nor have had children.)

As for later life: one can never guarantee that their children will be friends for life, if ever. My mother and her sister were never close (there was a major rift which resulted in their not talking for 20 years) and although they reconciled, they were never the best of pals. My dad is close to his oldest sister (who is my mom's best friend), but has no contact with his youngest sister due to some family issues. My husband and his brothers all get along and live relatively near each other. My sister and I, however, are not that close -- we live about 45 min. away, which isn't bad, but our lifestyles are so different it's hard to have any sort of real bond beyond our commonalities (parents).

And one can't always count on all their children to help out when they get older. I have an acquaintance who is one of five children -- while his father was dying, he was the one who stepped up to the plate, even with his own health issues. None of his other siblings seemed to care or wanted to be involved.

I would be curious to know how many people have only child families by choice vs. circumstance. Further, what about other countries outside the U.S. -- it seems as though European families are becoming smaller, whereas in the U.S., contrary to what this article points out, bigger families (3+ kids) are coming into vogue again, at least where I live, anyway.

Thanks for writing about this topic; there are many nuances involved, and is an emotionally charged one, but one that is important nonetheless.

In her comment, Carolyn and others raised many issues that will be examined as the blog gets underway. One of Carolyn's questions was: Is the trend toward one-child families about population control? Space? Space and population control are very real problems in China, for example. Beginning in 1979, China instituted a one-child per family policy which the government relaxed some 20+ years later. The strict mandate included steep fines for bearing a second child, forced abortions, and sterilization. On the other hand, in recent years Japan, a country with one of the lowest birth rates in the world, attempted to employ government and business influence to increase births. Japanese businesses provided dollar bonuses and government offered monthly subsidies to those who had second and more children. In the US having children, whatever the number, is about choice and circumstances. There are some who would argue that family size should be about preserving our natural resources. Without the need for extra hands to work the farm, the trend toward smaller families is an individual decision having little to do with population control. In general, Americans can have or adopt as many or as few children as they would like and feel they can care for.

I am a 33 year old female and an only child. I don't think my parents intended it to be that way, but they had trouble getting pregnant and after 7 years of marriage, I was finally born. Always dubbed "the miracle child".

Yes, my parents were very focused on me and my socialization skills were a bit lacking in my early years (very shy) - but I did play with my cousins and other kids and when all is said and done, I think I turned out more than OK, winning various academic and leadership awards throughout elementary school and college, etc. I do remember people thinking it was strange I was an only child at that time -- I didn't really know anyone else who was.

I liked being an only child and did not want siblings. I excelled academically and it was easier for my parents to financially provide for the three of us.

The only thing I struggle with today, as I've gotten older -- my mother passed away almost 7 years ago and I feel I have a responsibility to my father to keep him comfortable and moving along in life --it's rough when your parents just have only YOU to rely on. That is when I envy siblings that can pass their parents around...

Our son, now 6.5, was a surprise - we wanted to be married for a few years, but he was born when we had been married for a year. Then when he hit age 2, the constant questioning came "when are you having another?" (Something I will NEVER ask anyone.) We never had thought about how many children we wanted - we figured we'd have 2 or 3 (or until we felt like we had enough). But it was almost like a societal pressure at that time that planted the seed in our head to start trying again (we initially thought we'd wait until our son was 4 or 5 before trying for a second). I've since had 5 miscarriages (going through one right now following an IVF cycle), and I wonder how much more "trying" we can handle. I'm in my mid-30s, so whose to say what may happen in the next few years, but already, I can see the advantages of having one child (and I'm trying to appreciate these advantages as this may very well be the size of our family). He attends a great private school (out of necessity since we live in a city, but if we had many children, this wouldn't be affordable), he travels with us everywhere, he is very comfortable around adults (as well as polite and respectful), he doesn't have (and we don't have to referee) irrational screaming/fighting matches with a sibling, and he's very well rounded - athletic, intelligent, funny, confident and has a lot of friends. Of course, much of this may be due to the personality that he was born with, but we'll never know. Another advantage, in my opinion, is that we'll never favor one child over another -- something that every friend of mine with more than one child admits to doing; they say, "how can you not?" My parents had a favorite and my husband's parents had a favorite - you always know who the favorite is, and that can really hurt when growing up.

As for the "giving him a sibling" argument -- I agree wholeheartedly with the early poster who said there's no guarantee they'll be friends - or even that he'll take care of us as we get older. I am one of three, my husband is one of five, and neither of us is "best friends" or even particularly close to any of our siblings - if anything, tensions/rivalries seem to come up at family gatherings, causing more stress than enjoyment. So I don't feel like my son is missing out on having a sibling. He asked for a sibling when he was about 4, but now he says he doesn't want one b/c all of his friends fight with their brothers/sisters.

I think at this point, my wanting a second child is a way of proving I can do it - it sounds warped, but it's hard for me to accept failure. And if we did have another child, it would be like a second only child anyway due to the age difference.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading your blog!!

I'm an only child, and I've noticed that all of the people who claim that having an only is fine and dandy, HAVE only children, but never ARE only children. Having an only might be great - for the parents - when the kids are small, but they get older and so do you - and everyone doesn't grow old gracefully.

I'm an only and I've wanted a sibling since I can remenber. I really wish I had one now. My parents divorced when I was seven. When parents divorce, the only reason they have to speak to each other is when it concerns the children, therefore all of their arguments are about the children. When you're an only, the only reason that your divorced parents fight is because of you. In my case, it was because I needed something and they argued about who would pay for it, but from my perspective, they were still arguing about me.

If anything was ever misplaced or done wrong, of course it was my fault. There was no one else. I tried to be perfect so that I wasn't screamed at. Then my parents got spoiled and assumed I shouldn't be any trouble just because I usually tried not to be. So I had to be perfect because they expected it.
So, it's not right to think that "only children are not as much of a bother". It usually means you're neglecting the needs of the only or the only is suppressing his/her needs because he or she has gotten the message that he/she is "not supposed to be much trouble."

Back to the "divorced parents" thing. For a while, neither of my parents were remarried and they couldn't stand each other. So I, as a high-schooler, was concerned about how I was going to care for both of them when they got old because I was sure if they were in the same house (mine) they would kill each other. Granted, as a high-schooler this wasn't a reality that I had to deal with yet, but I hated having to think about it.

Then, my mom got late-onset paranoid schizophrenia while I was in college, so I have a raging mom with delusions who refuses to live with me or anyone else, so she is homeless and on the street. I had no one to turn to. My dad doesn't have any responsibility for her because she is no longer his wife. She would have false memories or no memories and I had no one to "check them" with since I remembered the events differently. It took me a while to realize that she was having delusions - and since her delusions involved me being in danger, I had a few years of hell before I realized that none of it was real. Being able to turn to a sister or a brother and say "What's going on with mom?" or "Do you remember that happening? I don't." Would have saved me a LOT of mehtal anguish.

So now, I'm 35. No husband or kids because I felt like I would be saddling some poor guy with the care of me AND my mom. But I'm not caring for her now either because she doesn't know who I am anymore, so I can't get her off the street to come anywhere with me. The police won't take her to a mental health facility unless she forgets how to feed herself or is a danger to herself or others, so I'm helpless. And alone.

I would love to have a family of my own, but I feel like I'm being selfish because, at some point, I'll probably have to get my mom and bring her in. My dad is remarried and in good health for now, but who knows what the future will hold? I might need to take care of him, too. If I got married and had children, would it be too much? Would anyone even want me when it seems I'm neglecting my mom? Would anyone want me knowing that she'll eventually come, too? Is it wrong of me to just wish my parents could take care of themselves so that I could have a life?

Furthermore, although my grandma had several kids from several marriages, she only had two with my grandfather, and my mom is the only one who reproduced, so I am my maternal grandfather's only grandchild. I've only seen him about 3 times in my life, but when he needed nursing care, his sister didn't want to take him so she called me and tried to guilt trip me into taking him in since I'm his grandkid. I refused, so she put him in a nursing home.

But on paper I'm college educated with a good job and my own condo, so everyone who knows me would say I'm an "only-child" success story. Like education and income are the only things that matter.

I know my family situation is probably a worse-case scenario, but I hope I've added some perspective. I can't help that I'm an only child. I would NEVER have an only child if I could help it.

I just want to say that I have decided for myself that I am much more suited to having one child. It is what I set out to do and what I have done. I am happy, my daughter is happy. What bugs me is the latest comment I recieved and trust me I get many but this one was a a biggie. I guess my decision to have one child is a direct connection to how much I enjoy children and being a MOM. My well meaning sister in law said " Well, I guess I just enjoyed every minute of being a parent that is why I had more!" Like, excuse me that makes you better mother than me because you decided to chooose to have more kids...honestly please shut up!!!

Proud Mom to a lovely only child!! and guess what I would not change a thing!

I am an only child, and I have only one child. The thing that is most disruptive to me is not the fact that my son doesn't have a sibling, but the constant questions from other people. It was my decision and everyone has a reasons for choosing what the do. Be it beyond their control such as illness or financial, or personal such as lifestyle. Personally for me I had severe postpartum depression. I still have depression and I was always scared of what it would be like again and I wanted to avoid the suffering and also the strain placed on my family and also my child. But this is not something I want to discuss with strangers...nor do I feel they should ask me at all. I hate the stereotypes and I love our little family.

Dear Susan,
I have an only child, but first let me start with....
I am the oldest child (there were only two of us - four years apart). Our parents divorced when I was 8 y.o. and I had jobs since 11 y.o. to buy food and clothes for my little sister and I, but mostly for her. I took care of her for several years, until I left home at 14, never to return. Our mother wanted to party and be out and never took care of her responsibilities. Responsibility has been my middle name since as far back as I can remember.

Unfortunately & fortunately, I was 16 when I had my daughter (did not marry the father) and it had been just the two of us until I met my husband, when she was just 4 y.o. We married when she was 11 y.o. and she was very happy for all of us. Since she turned 12 and now she is 16 y.o., she has gone through the normal "teenage" emotions. She is a very good and happy kid, both in and outside of school.

My husband and I are now talking about having a baby and adding to our family and my daughter gets upset at the idea, saying she hates babies and doesn't want me to have one. We only want one, as my husband doesn't have any children of his own and we are very happy having our family of 3 and only want to add to the enjoyment - hers and ours. I don't think she is 100% concerned that she will not get all of the attention, I think there are deeper concerns that she is not sharing. Of course, I will have her see our family therapist soon, but in the meantime, I want to find out more about how teens are handling/dealing with these situations and better yet, how are the parents handling it all?

Thanks in advance!

Signed,
hurt & frustrated

First of all i truely agree with your facts supporting the growing trend of one-child family.It has obviously now become difficult for many families to bear the lumpsum expenses of even a single child in such an inflationary era.Secondly,now a days most of the people no longer rely on male child for their support in old age,since youth of current era has become quite selfish and are usually concerned about their own future even for which they could sacrifice their parents and family.So that era has passed by when girls were considered to be just a responsibility for parents which they just have to bear with and who yield no return for the parents in their later life.However,keeping those facts apart,one can not deny the fact that there is always some generation gap which exists between parents and children in most of the cases due to which most of the children feel isolated and this can also lead to their depression.In order to overcome that,a child does need a sibling to share his/her feelings with.Since not all the things could be shared with friends and outsiders,close blood relationships are required for this purpose.

I often wonder what is the hoo haa of having single child or double. In the end when they will reach 18 years, they will leave you to have their own life. The people in Borneo live as one big family in the long house and it does not matter if they have one or 2 or 3 or more as their singleton will always have companion to socialise with. So it's more of the issue if you provide the social circle when your child is at the early age. Having an additional child is liken to the extra companion vice versa. In the end it boils down to the childs ability to interact and mixed. A child with a social disorder will still be lonely despite having many siblings. Having additional sibling does not gurantee he or she will have a wonderful life, it may even be just the opposite. It mean having resources divided and diluted compared to if he or she is alone.Morever there is more than a million singleton in the world. If you can get all singleton to join up in a big family, it issue of single lonely child is no longer a real issue.