Verified by 
Janay Rice, wife of disgraced NFL player Ray Rice, says she refuses to be stuck in that elevator. In a recent interview with Matt Lauer on Today she talked about the domestic abuse incident that seems to have taken over her life lately. Specifically, Janay spoke about the two now infamous security tapes which show Ray beating her in a casino elevator. She admitted that she did not see either video before they were made public, and still refuses to watch the second, more graphic tape because she is not going to allow "the public [to] bring me back there." In addition, during a press conference this past spring, Janay surprised people when she apologized for her “role” in the fight. At the time she said, “I was ready to do anything that was going to help the situation. Help his image. Help obviously his career.”
It’s a given that physical and verbal abuse do not belong in a relationship, yet we see over and over again that people experience it and decide to live with it. From the outside looking in, it is hard to fathom why anyone would stay in a partnership with someone who would hurt them. In the Today interview, Janay also said when talking about what happened, “That’s not him, that’s not us.” The way we see the person and how their partner sees them, in this case, how we view Ray from the outside and the way Janay sees him, are often two completely different pictures. The public focuses on the bad behavior because that is its only point of reference. However, the other person in the relationship knows their partner on other levels, many of which can be loving and caring, so even though they know the behavior they experienced is destructive, they are able to excuse it. They are blinded by love, which is otherwise known as denial.
Denial is a defense mechanism that everyone has which functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with. While it helps save them from pain and anxiety, it requires a substantial amount of energy to keep up. In many cases, there might be overwhelming evidence that something is true, such as the videos, yet the person will continue to deny its existence or truth because it is too difficult to face. That is exactly what happened when Janay told Matt Lauer that what Ray did to her in the elevator is “not him.”
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines denial as a statement saying that something is not true or real. To put it simply, denial is refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred. The person who is affected basically acts as if what happened isn’t so bad. To take that one step further, denial is when people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth which can appear to other people as an outright refusal to acknowledge something has occurred or is currently occurring.
People live in the land of hope and belief. If the person they love tells them they are sorry, or they will change, they want to believe it. The fact that Janay is not willing to watch the second video, that she is unwilling to view it and wants to forget, is typical of denial. It is too painful to literally see, so the only way to cope is to pretend it didn’t happen and try to look on the bright side.
Sometimes the instigating partner blames the victim for leading him to the anger, for doing something that caused him to become out of control. He might say something like, I got angry because of what you said or did. It isjust as common for the other partner to go along with that, wanting to believe they provoked the situation in the first place. In that way, they can try to believe their partner is not a bad person, that instead they are both responsible and therefore are in it together. That may have been what happened at the spring press conference when Janay said she was sorry for her role in the fight.
Forgetting the bad thing that happened is sometimes the best someone can do. Denial puts hope front and center and allows the hurt person to hold on so they can wait and see if the relationship gets better. Denial keeps possibility alive, and unless or until people are willing to hold onto the pain of their situation so that it can become a catalyst for change, it is hard to break through and give up the wish that things will just get better because that’s what they want. Right now, it seems, that is exactly what Janay is aiming for.
Please tune in to “Let’s Talk Sex” which streams live on HealthyLife.net every last Tuesday of the month at 2 PM EST, 11 AM Pacific. Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com
Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy.
