A Shift of Mind

Rethinking the way we live.

Falling in — and out — and Back in Love

Is falling out of love inevitable?

The experience of falling in love is truly a thing of marvel. It's a remarkable and incomparable feeling. In this state time seems altered and our senses become fervently alive. Each moment has meaning and intent. This experience is a peak moment in life. Yet, over time, we tend to fall out of love as easily as we fall in love. We may say that we still love one another but we're not in love. Let's explore why this occurs and what this phenomenon is that we call love.

The notion of falling in love is one of the most dominant and powerful themes in our lives. It sells movies and books, fashion and cosmetics. It drives the gross national product and it is a central theme in our fantasies. Along with achieving material wealth it is the primary driving force in our lives. Yet, it is so poorly understood. The euphoria felt by falling in love is actually a profound merging of energies.

All animate beings are energy fields simply manifesting in physical form. Mere physical attraction to another is predicated upon sensory stimulation. Being in lust is not quite the same as being in love. Falling in love requires that our energies coalesce with one another. When this occurs our energy field literally resonates with our partner's energy field, resulting in a synchronization of vibrations. Picture a tuning fork that has just been struck. Imagine both ends of the tuning fork resonating in perfect harmony. This is what falling in love feels like. This shared energy manifests in a partnering that feels soulful and deeply loving. There may be no greater and more fulfilling experience in life. And yet, sadly, most people also experience falling out of love.

Any disturbance or disruption of the harmonized energy that I spoke of causes us to feel either not loving or unloved - if not both. When our energies become blocked by any host of impediments we no longer feel in love. We might just as well speak of a disruption in our energy patterns. When I work with couples who are experiencing conflict, I often have them set aside the symptoms, which are the things that they argue about and engage in conflict around. These symptoms are simply smokescreens. We need to look underneath the conflict and search for what has disrupted their loving energy. It is this shift in energy that manifests the conflict.

There are many elements that impede our maintaining the loving energy. Often the disruption is due to hurt feelings, resentments or anger. Without the authentic communication skills that permit these issues to be lovingly resolved, the energy system of the relationship is at risk. Many people believe that it's natural to fall out of love. It is not natural. Natural should not be confused with commonplace. Regrettably, it is altogether common. This is due not to a natural tendency, but more directly to the fact that we are unschooled in the art of relationship and communication. We are literally illiterate in this area. No one ever taught us how to thrive in relationships and so we tend to fall out of love as our energies become disparate.

When you become mired in the downward spirals of relationship cycles try looking at how the energy shifts our perspective of one another. Try to remember that they are probably the same person with whom you fell in love. The likelihood is that they haven't changed, but the energy of your relationship has. Focus on re-creating the positive energy and the results may indeed be loving once again. Being in love or falling out of love is a matter of how our energies are relating.

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Mel Schwartz, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist and marriage counselor who works toward creating resilient relationships and fostering authentic communication. His website is Melschwartz.com.

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