Shameless Woman

Pursuing an integrated life of sensuality, health, healing and rejuvenation

What if You Could Love Your Sadness?

We are not given permission to be sad.

Most of us are not used to feeling deeply sad. The kind of sad that one might call grief. Most of us aren't used to deep sadness because life events that can bring it on are not often common occurrences. And most people, are willing to do anything to move through these feelings.

I recently encountered grief and it stunned me. The deep sadness was with me, the way the curves of my body was with me. It slid down the curves of my breasts, and ran into my belly before it made it's way over my round hips to the ground that I walked on.

I could not escape it in my dreams or in my day. It was the taste of my food. The words on my lips. I would have done anything to get rid of it. Ditch my life. Burn down the house. Go on retreat. Or make a deal that perhaps I didn't even want, just to end the pain. I was writhing with it.

I was willing to accept the unacceptable just to make the pain go away. Because when you are in this kind of sadness you might be willing to do anything to run away from it. You want it gone. You want it healed. You want it over.

I think we are not given permission to be sad, in the same way we are not given permission to be sexy or passionate. I don't think we are given the tools to deal with sadness the way we are not given the tools to be fully sexual.

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And if I'm committed to be in touch with my sexiness why wouldn't I be committed to be in touch with my sadness? Why couldn't I love my sadness the same way that I loved the curve of my hips? After all, sadness is a part of me and a messenger. So I decided to be open to my sadness the way that I am open to my orgasm.

I sat down and remembered other times that I had been this sad. The sadness didn't last forever even when I thought it would. Eventually deep sadness when allowed to simply hang out until it's heals - leaves.

I have come to realize that my sadness truly is a messenger and a guide post. My sadness just like my sexiness wants to be heard. Sadness does not want to be buried, or covered over. It wants attention and loving presence and honesty. I get it. Sadness makes me incredibly uncomfortable, like my cat who enjoys sitting on my chest in the middle of the night. It can be heavy and make me feel my heart beat. Sadness can tighten my throat and shorten my attention span. Sadness can make me walk in circles and seek out remedies because I am sure at time that sadness will break me. But it doesn't.

Sadness requires my own compassion for me. It demands my time and attention.

Sadness is how I grow wings and embrace my own power.

I feel like I need to permission sadness just the way I permission sexiness.

You can even be sexy and sad. Take it in and live your sadness. Allow it to have it's way with you. After all, it's like a fever isn't it? You toss and turn with it. So sweat it out until the last bit of it is laying on your sheets.

When you are done, the sadness so ripe and hot will feel different. You will see the world differently. You may make different decisions, if you let your sadness have it's way with you instead of making deals to make the sadness go away.

Sadness is the opportunity for change and can bring you up close and personal again with our desires and our truth. You know the questions: Who am I? What do I really want? And what is getting in the way? You may decide to make a U Turn in your life. You may decide to walk away from something big. You may decide to stay no matter what anyone else in your life thinks about your choices. Perhaps your sadness is giving you the opportunity and the forward motion to change.

Just be with it.

Sadness can be opportunity.

And when it is time for sadness to make it's exit. Blow it a kiss. And thank your sadness for coming. I am sure that it's time was filled with gifts.

Pamela Madsen is a fertility/sex educator, blogger, author of Shameless and founder of The American Fertility Association.

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