Shameless Woman

Pursuing an integrated life of sensuality, health, healing and rejuvenation

What's Keeping Your Relationship with Your Sexuality Small?

Are you terrified of failing?

Many people say that they want to do so many things! You want to travel to India, explore Tantra and meditation. You want to find inner peace, have a healthy and delicious relationship with your own body and have an extraordinary sex life.

You say that you want to "find your orgasm", raise your libido, learn how to attract a lover or relight the fire on the relationship that you currently have.

If you want something this badly - why don't you do it?

Enter your ubiquitous companion: FEAR.

You are terrified of failing. So many of you have tried one or two things to create a change in your life — and change is hard! It takes practice and you may not have hit on "The Thing" that is really going to nail it for you. You decide that your efforts have failed, and you don't want to fail again. How you perceive failure is a game changer. What if you saw each step that you took on your way to your desires as a step on the road to success? A great big success! Forget the all or nothing mentality! That, quite frankly, is bullshit.

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Allow yourself the pleasure of all of your small steps, and see each positive motion as a celebration, because it is.

What else do you use to hold yourself back from getting what you really want in your life? You play small.

I know all the excuses: you want happiness, but you are not going to pay fifty bucks for that meditation series by that top teacher that might support your path because, come on, it's fifty bucks! You want happiness-—it's the most important thing in the world to you—but you are not going to pay for it. But go on, buy those new boots!

Money is the biggest excuse that people use to stop them from getting what they want. You want to make big changes, and then you look at the price tag and say you can't afford it. I wonder a lot about that. In my mind, how can you afford not to? People always find a way to pay for what they truly think is important in their lives.

You see, you do not have to be anywhere near wealthy. But to live a big life, it takes something other than money. It takes courage and a desire for more that is way bigger than your fear of what you could gain if you stopped playing small. That's right: "Playing Small". What would happen if you actually healed your relationship with your own sexuality? You might get bigger. Then what? You can remove the obstacle and open the gate. It is really about finding your courage.

Marianne Williamson says it so beautifully in "A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles".

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So, what excuse are you using? Are you waiting to be thinner? Do you think that what you need to help support you is out of your financial range? Do you allow your partner to hold your back? Do you think you are too old? Do you think you can't  have what you want in your life right now because you have young kids?

What excuse are you using for not facing your fear?

Find it. Look at it. And then decide if you really want to live the kind of life that you tell yourself that you want.

Do you want to find inner happiness? Do you want a healthy, extraordinary relationship with your body? Do you want more abundance in your life? Do you want a better relationship with yourself?

Does this scare the crap out of you?

It might. Because changing any relationship with yourself will create feelings and reactions that are not only very scary—they will remove you far from your comfort zone. It is far more comfortable to aspire and complain than it is to actually do anything that will help create the life you say you want. You know where you are and somehow it feels safe to you, even if you know you can have more. Even if you are dying to have something different in your life.

Think about it. Is this true for you? And then decide if you really want to play small. Notice that your excuses are really your fear talking.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?'" Mary Oliver

What to Do After Reading This Blog:


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Want more inspiration?

Watch this short video with me speaking about how you can find your own true pleasure:

Read my story about how I stopped playing small in my memoir - "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner".

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Pamela Madsen is a fertility/sex educator, blogger, author of Shameless and founder of The American Fertility Association.

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