Shameless Woman

Pursuing an integrated life of sensuality, health, healing and rejuvenation

Three Secrets That Women Won't Tell You about How to Make Sex Better

Telling secrets that might help people have more fun in bed.

I still get shocked by the anger that sometimes comes at me when I write or talk about female sexuality. Obviously, I hear more from grateful people (both men and women) then I hear from the folks who I manage to shock and upset. But it is the folks who are upset that stand out for—simply because I am a gentle person—and I don't wish to upset anybody. 

Right now, I am traveling around the country visiting retreat centers—learning about how we rejuvenate our mind, body and spirit. In fact, at this very moment I am sitting in an airport waiting to go to The Chopra Center. As at all of my past workshops, I know that sexuality will come up (it always does once we go around the table and talk about what we do for a living). It doesn't matter who is at the table. But these days I am very careful about how to have these conversations as I have come to realize that there is still a tremendous amount of taboo around female sexual desire. It amazes me and stuns me everytime I trip over another gate that is keeping women in a place of uncomfortable sexual endurance rather than a place of delicious sexual pleasure. And there are so many gates—and so much anger still around women and pleasure.

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The only way that we can break these taboos is to talk about the things that can make some people uncomfortable. So I do it—and some folks may squirm—but in the end gates go down, and I find myself to often be the most popular table at the retreat centers!

At my latest retreat I was asked what were the three most common secrets and desires of women that they might not tell you. So pull up a chair—sip your coffee, and I will tell you all about them.

1. You just can't have too much lubricant. That's right—for many woman adding a lubricant to love making can make sex go from uncomfortable to ecstatic. Want to make things even better? Combine the lubricant with some female topical arousal gel like Zestra. And this is really not just about women who experience "vaginal dryness" which can happen quite normally in women as they age —this can be about adding pleasure to women who lubricate quite normally. Lubricant's can enhance female pleasure. One more word about aging women and lubricants: If we are going to be comfortable talking to men about "ED" and supporting lots of older men with their erections—we better get comfortable talking to older women about lubricants! It takes two! There I said it! Is everyone doing okay?

2. Women can suffer from sexual boredom just like men. I know—this is a hard one to believe. After all—according to way too many experts on relationships and female sexuality—if a woman is feeling emotionally connected and loved—she is turned on forever and ever! It is the men—those beasts— who need sexual variety! Hold on to your knickers....here it comes—this is simply not true for all women! Recently I heard this story about Calvin Coolidge and his wife (told by a relationship expert). The legend goes that the Coolidges were at a farm and Mrs. Coolidge was watching Mr. Coolidge standing in the barnyard with the chickens. A rooster was vigorously servicing a hen. She alledgedly sent a note to Mr. Coolidge asking him to come up and service her the way the rooster was taking care of the hen, to which Mr. Coolidge replied "My dear, look at all of the hens the rooster has to choose from." Well you know, I know a lot of hens, and sometimes after many years of relationship and marriage, some of us look over at the couch and think "Not the same old rooster"!

In this case I recommend that women look to themselves first. Seek out sexuality coaching, pick up some sexy books to open new horizens and think about attending some tantra workshop with or without your spouse. Lots of women do this alone. In fact there is a wonderful, inspiring workshop just for women coming up called Zest Fest 2011 in Vermont!  I highly recommend it. I promise you that you will come out with a lot of fire!

3. Many women's sexual experiences could be remarkably improved by learning how to receive pleasure as opposed to developing skills on how to give pleasure. If you look around, there are a million courses on how a woman can learn to please a man. It is embedded in our culture going back to the beginning of time. Sure, I know that there are also lots of books and videos for men about pleasing a woman in bed. But I am actually talking about something radical. What if the sexual partner told their female lover that tonight was just all about them? Have you ever tried that? What if the partner told their female lover that you did not want her to touch back—that your pleasure was simply to give her pleasure. You might meet with resistance, both your own—if you are a woman reading this article, or as the partner who may be told that she doesn't want to do that. That her pleasure is YOUR pleasure. Push on and insist!

We have created a culture of women "doers" as opposed to giving permission for women to simply receive. It is an unimaginable pleasure and concept for many women to simply lay back and receive pleasure. So the last secret about female sexuality is also a sex tip—try it. See what happens...

So there you have it...some of the things that women could tell you if they could. Use the information wisely! Use it!

Pamela Madsen is a fertility/sex educator, blogger, author of Shameless and founder of The American Fertility Association.

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