Shameless Woman

Pursuing an integrated life of sensuality, health, healing and rejuvenation

Tie Me Up Please!

80% of women have a fantasy about being tied up.

The phone rings. It's my mother - you remember her don't you? Yes - the woman who starred in my most read blog ever - "My Mother And The Vibrator". It's early in the morning - I am on my second cup of coffee and her voice has an urgent ring to it!

"Are you watching The Today Show? They are doing an entire hour on SEX!  Hurry! Turn it on!" Ever since I became a  late in life Sex Educator and author -  my octogenarian mother has become like an x rated TiVo gone wild! But like a good daughter - I listened to my mother and tuned in.  Yep it was true - The Today Show was devoting an hour to sex. Kathy Lee Gifford didn't seem that happy about it - but away they went! The best part for me wasn't the edible body glitter, the discussions about warming lubricants or female arousal gels - or even the very expensive magnetic bra and panty set. Nope - that wasn't it. For me - it was the BD/SM for beginners "prime time" moment.

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There it was - right there on The Today Show. I had to blink my eyes a few times. But I was not having some kind of delusional experience. Sitting there - right next to the feather tickle toy was a set of wrist cuffs and a blind fold Of course there was a study to go with the leather! It seems that Cosmopolitan Magazine had done a study and over 80% of the women polled said that they had this secret fantasy of being tied up - but that they couldn't ask for it. They were too embarressed. And over 70% of the men had the same exact desire - and too much shame to admit to their partner that what they really wanted in bed - was to be tied up - asked to surrender - and taken. All of this shame......that's why I wrote "Shameless".  I am so done with shame. We waste so much time stuck in that dark place over our sexual desires instead of exploring healthy sexual pleasure.

And let's face it  - Cosmo's numbers are pretty big numbers - there are so many people that want to be tied up that there is  hardly anyone left to tie the ropes! The majority of the respondants to the survey wanted to be the one in restraints.

We are a society of people who are busy running - and running the show. What turns so many of us on - is the fantasy of just being able to give it up and surrender sexually in a safe and  consensual way.  It is like power play is the forbidden fruit of sexuality - so many of us want it that  simply the desire for surrender makes it to The Today Show.

Well - bravo to The Today Show - for bringing a secret desire that is so cloaked in embarrassment out into the open so that so many people who either play with these sexual energies - or want to and are stopped by shame can hear that the majority of men and women who answered this Cosmo Survey - want it too! They are not alone. How freeing is that?

And if playing with ropes, blindfolds, and power is something that you would like to experiment with - please take the time to explore and understand these phrases -"Safe, Sane and Consensual", and "Safe Words". I can't go into it all in this blog but I can recommend that you read "The New Bottoming Book" By Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.It's a personal favorite of mine.

As for me - I am glad that I listened to my mother and turned on the television. It was a taboo breaking moment.

 

 

Pamela Madsen is a fertility/sex educator, blogger, author of Shameless and founder of The American Fertility Association.

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