True confessions. I am a size 14 - the average size of a woman in American. I love feeling sexy, being sexy, and being seen as sexy. But I am one size too big too often to find the sexy, delicious, enticing lingerie that I want to truly capture the spirit of my sexuality. The world is not always kind to big beautiful women (and just so you know - the fashion world sees anyone above a size 10 or 12 as a "plus" size). And for me, wearing lingerie - the dressing of my erotic soul - is not only a seduction for my sweetie, it is also a way for me to come fully into my own desire. And it's not just the unavailability of the good stuff that makes me crazy - it is the messages that it continually sends me.
Just the other day I was in hipster chic Soho in NYC. I was feeling pretty good. I had a swish to my hips and I was happy. My eye was caught by a sexy little something in the window of Kiki De Montparnasse which is an absolutely fabulous, high end sexy store full of lingerie and sex toys. I was lured in the way a kid goes after big red lollipops.
I was not disappointed - the shelves were stocked with the most gorgeous lingerie. I wanted it all - not that I could afford most of it - I still wanted it. I found the most perfect pair of black silky panties. I wanted them. I was going to go deeply into my pocketbook and bring it home. I was not going to be stopped! I asked the sales girl if they had it in "Large" which is usually a size 14. She looked at me - and said "My dear - our large is a size 10". Since when is a size 10 large? I could feel my checks burn. I hated this. This unexpected shame - this reminder that I am not quite right - in such a public way.
The thinner women just looked over at me - piling up their purchases as I slinked out of the store. The message was clear - I didn't belong there.
The message I get when stores don't carry sizes 12, 14 and 16 - is that women who are not thin are not sexy. And having that directed at me is like be kicked in my not so hard stomach - it hurts. The self loathing that can occur can be devastating when I run into these situations unprepared. And it can be hard to deprogram. The thought occurred to me that perhaps I just shouldn't go into these stores alone. Maybe I need a professional with me like "The Lingerie Goddess", Margaret Shrum who puts women on a "Lingerie Diet" and helps them through the lingerie labyrinth without getting battle scars. It can be just too painful to be told that you don't belong.
We wonder why there are so many eating disorders - or why so many women have trouble with their libido. The messages that we get so often is that our bodies are not meant for sexy clothing which can only mean that we are not sexy. That no one could possibly want to see a fuller figure in these types of clothing. And this is also one area where money and the ability to purchase does not seem to be a leveler. I was willing to spend an unseemly amount of money on panties - but it was unavailable to me even if I had the dollars to shell out. It made me wonder - where does Oprah buy her lingerie?
