Shameless Woman

Pamela, I agree with the major point here - that most women want to feel desired, and what turns a lot of women on is being so passionately desired that they are swept away, ravished, taken. But my question is - how do guys do it right? In our culture of sexual harassment policies and rape hysteria, I think a lot of men have been scared into silence - they don't want to express their desire or attraction, lest it be taken the wrong way and they be accused of being a villain.

So what would you advise the guys to do? What are safe, consensual ways to express powerful desire?

Men, have you experienced this struggle - wanting to express desire but holding back out of concern of the woman's reaction?

Good article, and yes, the whole business of "harassment" and what constitutes "unwanted" attention is a thorny one now. I'd also throw in what seems to be a common "dilemma" these days, in what is arguably an increasingly Narcissistic culture.... that alot of women (heck, alot of people!) are too self-absorbed and just aren't all that interested in "intimacy" to begin with!

As evidenced by the frequent talk of their "independence", their "need for space", or their "other relationships" with their dog(s), their grandkids, their adult children, their "girl posse", etc.! None of which exactly shouts "Desire me, I'm available"!

Hi Mateo -

Great comment. All of the comments make me want to go more deeply into this subject. Clearly the article is striking a cord! What I wonder Mateo - is if women are filling the spaces with defenses because they fear that no want will step into and hold them with the loving presence that they so deeply desire and need. Clearly, we have all have to change the way we communicate. There was a sexual revolution - and this is the fall out. Now what do we do to reclaim the good parts of what was surrendered in the battle for the vote.

So women want to be desired but don't want us to desire sex. Sorry when the guys in the romance novels are sweeping the women off of their feet they are looking for sex. Guys want sex and when women continue to try to tell us that its not what they want then we stop trying to sweep them off their feet. Feminism has taught women to want it all when all they really want is a man to take care of them in every way. But first they have to let us.

Dear Anon:

Once again there are multiple issues in all of these responses and it is impossible to address them all - all at once.

So which comes first the chicken or the egg? Who says women don't want sex? Most of the women that I know do want sex.

Is it a first date and attraction that we are talking about? Or is it an established relationship? The rules of different. They are different animals.

I enjoyed reading the article from from the POV of a newbie kinky person. About 2 years ago I researched into polyamorous relationships (the ability to love more than one), open relationships, bdsm and kink in general. What I found was a missing piece of my sexuality puzzle. I love to be dominated by a man. My husband of 20 years is the love of my life btw but I realized talking to people that making the 'one' person in your life responsible in fulfilling all your needs was a very high expectation indeed. I love my husband but he didn't met those needs. Fast forward and now I have 4 regular play partners who I get to beat, kiss, dominate, others submit to. We don't 'do' sex with each other but we do full fill a need. My sex life with the husband is better than ever and I've come to accept my passions in an open and respectful manner with all the people who now share my life.

It's not easy btw and requires an enormous amount of trust and respect from everyone involved but both my husband and I love our new expanded lives.

I think your article hit on an important piece of the puzzle. We women sometimes love to be dominated. There is nothing like a man grabbing your hair, looking into your eyes while doing what he pleases. hmmmm

... the issues of "chemistry", "compatibility", finding Mr/Ms "Right", etc., I agree that alot of it does come down to the ability to be able to finally "let go" and allow somebody else "in". As to Pamela's question re: "filling the spaces with defenses", if you can find a solution for that, then you've basically solved the problem of Narcissism. Some folks like Christopher Lasch ("The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations") think that modern culture is actually creating a society of cool, manipulative, self-absorbed and emotionally dis-connected individuals, with each of us dependent on "finding" just the "perfect" car, pet, house, clothes, friends, etc.. to complete our "have-it-all" personas. So perhaps all these substitutes for an inability to allow anybody "in" (emotionally, sexually or otherwise), are only a reflection of a culture where safety, security and personal "control" (aka "choice") are always paramount.

Wow and Yes, Yes, Yes, Mateo! Perhaps it is a solution that we each have to find within ourselves. And I am not being simplistic. I went on quite the journey to get there. To let go. To trust. And it was there that I found the true nature of my desire and what was possible for all of us....

Thanks for such an informative article! I think what you're on to here is totally correct. I'm glad you bring attention to the contradiction that surrounds female sexuality. However, societal expectations are so strong that even when women are open about their desire, it's looked down upon. Did you see the NY Times article about how certain media outlets refused to channel Zestra's (an all-natural female libido enhancement oil) ads because of their open female sexuality content? It blew my mind that the ads -- which are tame, in my opinion -- weren't put on Facebook, etc. because of their content when I feel like all I see on television is male enhancement advertisements. The article makes a clear point that talking openly about female arousal is still taboo, so even when women are honest and stop conforming to one stereotype of hiding their sexuality, coming on too strongly is just as bad.

I agree with your point, but I would go further and say that most people--women and men-- in a long-term relationship want to feel desired. Yes, men will usually take sex any way they can get it, but if sex is going to play a positive role in a committed relationship, the man needs to feel that he is not begging for it all the time. Most men love for a woman to hungrily undress him and treat his penis as if it were the most desirable object on earth. This is why blow jobs are extremely important to many men, and it is why men go nuts when a woman swallows. There is nothing better than feeling delicious and irresistable. I think most men and women could agree on that.

One of the unintentional side effects of forty years of feminism is that it has trained thinking men in the art of not being masculine. The training starts in the worlds of noncompetitive elementary schools and takes right into liberal ender-neutral colleges and universities where masculinity is just devalued.

Do not get me wrong. I'm a good liberal. This feminism has largely been a great thing for the world. It helps in many aspects of our national, social, economic, and educational lives, but it doesn't help at all in the realms of desire and the erotic.